Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 153 – June  2013

 

It would be fair to say that May 2013 has been a nightmare month, although I suppose the bad luck really started on Christmas night when the lights suddenly started tripping out.  Now I realize that hard luck stories are boring at the best of times.  But what do I care?  These are not the best of times anyway, and as a land owner with a little if not a lot of wealth why should I court your sympathies when you've probably got countless problems of your own?  But I'm going to tell you anyway.  First off it appeared that my house at Providence Place needed completely re-wiring, it had the original wiring that had worked since candles and gas lights were abandoned, and this brought about great inconvenience and a bill of £2,500.  Obviously the house then needed re-decorating which cost a further £1,500 and further inconvenience that lasted until the end of March.  Then one of our tenants did a runner owing us £300 and the other tenant was forced out of his house by having suddenly acquired the Neighbours from Hell.  (This house is presently under re-decoration at a cost of over £1,000 and of course the lost revenue of no income).  The car decided to break down in April which brought about another bill for £1,600 and then the burglar alarm went tipsy topsy and a much smaller bill of £90 suddenly arrived on the doorstep.  And what of May?  Well May has (not) been fun without a telephone landline since May 1st.  A problem that persisted until May 25th.   There was a time before privatization of the telephone system when British Telecom supplied communication for everyone.  These were not bad times but like a lot of people I chose to move to Tiscali who seemed like a nice little company based in Bristol, easy to talk to, easy to deal with and competent with it.  Tiscali got bought out by 'Talk Talk' who stopped sending me printed invoices and moved communication to India where they could employ cheap, cheap labour. This made communication more difficult, but to be fair not impossible although getting somebody to repeat each sentence four to five times is not ideal.  (Of course BT are there as well, but why stop with a company that leaves you high and dry for a month?)  The problem with my landline, according to my 'Talk Talk' engineer, appeared to be outside the house and beyond his jurisdiction.  "BT will fix that" he said happily.  But BT said they did not have responsibility for the piece of electrical wiring that extends from the house to the telegraph pole.  It appears that responsibility was suddenly abandoned by 'Talk Talk' when they took over Tiscali, and as a consequence I've been without any form of internet communication for nearly one month.  Will it ever end?  Anyway I'm over £7,000 worse off than I was on January 1st; so I must continue looking forward and not backwards to keep sane; but I thought I would remind myself by telling you anyway.  Oh.  Did I tell you I won a million pounds on Premium Bonds?  No!  Well that's because I haven't.

 

We should not be too surprised at the quite recent popularity in UKIP.  Governments, both Labour and Conservative, have collectively for 30 years ignored the rise every year of the immigrant population in this country.  Everywhere in towns and cities people are now voicing their resentment at the slovenly attitude of past governments on this subject.  Little surprise then that UKIP has seized the opportunity.  Hopefully this and the next government will do something about it.  It has been prophesized that by 2065 white people in Britain will be in the minority; and this is not simply UKIP and BP propaganda.  UKIP of course will attract the far right loonies who support BP, bound to; but this will not deter people fed up with a shortage of jobs nationwide running parallel with an influx of foreigners voting UKIP next time around.  I'm not sure that leaving the European Union will be a good thing despite all the ridiculous rulings the European Courts might make.  Which brings me around to the subject of Abu Qatada who suddenly appears to be more relaxed about returning to Jordan.  Countless home secretaries have tried countless times to evict the man only for The European Courts preventing us from doing so.   And at what cost to you and me I might ask; but on this occasion I'm not going to - I'll let you tell me!

 

Meanwhile the Ministry of Justice intends to clamp down on drugs in jails.  Special swat teams are being built with the intention of preventing drugs getting into prisons.  Dead pigeons and tennis balls suddenly appearing over walls will be scrutinized more carefully.  Interesting conception this.  I visited 7 prisons in October last year during Black History month lecturing on Paul Robeson and I discovered unreal unrest in one prison simply because they had had their breakfast toast ration cut.  What will happen when the marijuana dries up will be interesting to watch.

 

I see Jessica Ennis got married in May.  Well I guess that rules me out!

 

A little bit of music attached this month.  No offense meant.  The song was recorded about 50/60 years ago.  Just thought it applicable.  Pete always was ahead of his time.

 

Meanwhile Ed Milliband wants to take Google to task for avoiding tax.  Isn't that rather ripe?  A politician complaining that firms are escaping tax, when they spend almost every living moment making un-taxable money on the side themselves.   Mind you we are all guilty of that given the opportunity.

 

And what of the poor soldier, Drummer Lee Rigby, murdered, indeed beheaded, in the streets of my old manor by couple of brain washed Brits?  Sleep well Tony - you started all this.  It's not a comical matter I admit but I had to smile when John O'Dowd (Sinn Fein) in response to this murder on Question Time said that such actions could not be justified.  Apparently it's never right to kill a soldier because you believe you are fighting a war against the British.  Pardon me?

 

Finally golf is not a game I know very much about.  I've only had a couple of rounds in my life; although I did manage to shoot a 2 on a very short hole many, many years ago with David Qualley, Jasper Carrot and Harvey Andrews (The Midland Mafia).  It was somewhere near Birmingham.  I don't remember much more about it really, but I don't think we mentioned fried chicken at any time, although I'm sure we did talk about the curry we had the previous evening.  I do hope that any Pakistani taxi drivers on the course that day were not offended.

 

Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead

 

2013

Jun 12th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Martin Simpson

Jun 21st (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

Jun 22nd (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

Jun 23rd (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

July 6th (KM) Rhyl - Opening of New Harbour Concert

July 7th (KM) Rhyl

Jul 9th (KM) Halifax Masonic Lodge.

Jul 10th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Lisa Knapp

Aug 3rd (KM) Arbroath Festival of the Sea, Angus, Scotland.

Aug 4th (KM) Arbroath Festival of the Sea, Angus, Scotland.

Aug 23rd (KM) Bie Daip International Shanty Festival, Holland.

Aug 24th (KM) Bie Daip International Shanty Festival, Holland.

Aug 25th (KM) Bie Daip International Shanty Festival, Holland.

Sep 6th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival

Sep 7th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival

Sep 8th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival

Sep 11th (KM) Works, Sowerby Bridge with Damien Barber and Mike Wilson

Sep 21st (KM) The Astor Theatre, Deal Festival of the Sea.

Sep 22nd (KM) Deal RNLI Sing.

Oct 4th (KM) Portmagee Festival of the Sea - Provisional

Oct 5th (KM) Portmagee Festival of the Sea - Provisional

Oct 6th (KM) Portmagee Festival of the Sea - Provisional

Oct 9th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Stephan Grossman

Oct 11th (KM) Banbury Folk Festival

Oct 12th (KM) Banbury Folk Festival

Oct 13th (KM) Banbury Folk Festival

Oct 25th (KM) Lichfield Arts Centre, Lichfield, Staffordshire

Oct 31st (KM) Royal National Maritime Museum, Greenwich.

Nov 1st (KM) Plaza Theatre, 40 Winchester Rd, Romsey. SO51 8JA

Nov 2nd (KM) Marine Theatre, Lyme Regis

Nov 8th (KM) The David Hall, Roundwell Street, South Petherton, Somerset.

Nov 9th (KM) Epsom Playhouse

Nov 12th (Joe) Thorner Probus Club, The Fox, Main St.  LS14 3DX

Nov 13th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Chris Wood.

Nov 25th (Joe) Ilkley Probus club.

Dec 11th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge. Christmas Party.

Dec 12th (KM) The Red Deer, Pitt St., Sheffield. S1 4DD 

 

2014

Jan 15th (KM) The Met, Market Street, Bury, Greater Manchester. BL9 0BW

May 23rd (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 24th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 25th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 26th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

 

Letters

No letters this month on account of a breakdown in my internet services since May 1st resulting in no letters being received.  This should be resolved shortly.

 

Funnies

 

Do you ever worry about the NHS?

The following sentences are purported to have been typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

 

1. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pounds weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

7. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

8. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

9. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

10. She is numb from her toes down.

11. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

12. The skin was moist and dry.

13. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

14. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

15. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

16. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

17. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

18. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

19. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

20. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

21. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

22. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

23. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

25. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

26. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

27. Between you and me, we outhg to be able to get this lady pregnant.

28. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

30. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock-broker instead.

32. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

 

An Esex girl goes to the council to register for Child Benefit.                               

"How many children?" asks the council worker.                                                     

"10" replies the Essex girl.                                                                                     

"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"                                   

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."                                            

"Doesn't that get confusing?"                                                                           

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout - WAAYNE,  YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."                                                        

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. 

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their Surnames."                                                    

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

 

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.                       

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.                                                     

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."                                                   

 

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.                                                   

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."                                                 

She says "I'll take the red one."                                                                             

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."                                                   

 

 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

 

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.        

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some Questions?"       

Girl: "OK"                                                                                                            

Medic: "What's your name?"                                                                                   

Girl: " Sharon ."                                                                                                   

Medic: "OK Sharon , is this your car?"                                                               

Sharon : "Yes."                                                                                                     

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"                                                             

Sharon : "Romford, mate." 


                                                                                                                       
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her,           

"Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13.

Please be careful!"             

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking hundreds of them!"

 


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. 

The paramedics arrive and drag the girl  out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.                                                               

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."                                         

Sharon : "Ok."                                                                                                       

Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"                                                     

Sharon : "Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!"   


                                                                                                               
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl

Notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your

wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"                                         

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, I'm a little

bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is

for me Left foot"                                                                                                     

"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!       

 

 

Keep smiling, keep singing.

 

Joe Stead