Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 151 – April  2013

 

I'm constantly finding two advertisements on television harder and harder to watch, and for varying reasons.  Both are asking me to part with just £2 a month.  One is to help starving children in Africa, the other to help abused and frightened children here in Great Britain.  I could afford an extra £4 out of my pocket each month quite easily.  So why have I not done it?  I make a donation each month to cancer research. But should I ask be doing more?

 

The African children do look pitiful and they are dying in their hundreds, if not thousands,  from starvation and disease by the month.  I deter from helping these little mites for two main reasons, neither are reasonable if you take a humanist point of view; but both, in my opinion, have a sound logical basis.  In the first instance there are too many of us on this planet as their is, and especially so in Africa where the rise in population is resulting in a scarcity of wild animals.  Soon we will have no elephants, no rhinoceroses, no apes, no chimpanzees, and no lions left.  I think we need elephants, rhinoceroses, apes, chimpanzees, and lions, and we need them at the expense of humans, especially as it is humans who are wiping them out.  The more children we save the quicker these species will disappear.  It's cruel but it's also logical.  The other reason is the growing population in the parts of Africa where these problems are occurring most frequently is the parts of Africa where Al Qaeda is at its strongest.  Why save a child's life to have it bomb some other innocent human being in 15 years time?  An unsound argument perhaps, but if you disagree with my second reason, you will not be able to argue against the first.  There are too many of us on this planet right now.  What the human race needs long term, and we might not find this particularly nice, is a bloody great world war to wipe a huge tranch of us out.  Make more space.  And we might not be far from that point too if the North Koreans have anything to do with it.

 

So what about the abused children here in Britain?  All the NSPCC wants me to part with is £2.  I suppose I should get on the telephone next time I see that advert and make a donation.  But will you?  How many of you reading this have seen the advertisement and done something about it?  If I get any letters at all it will probably only be from those of you have.  Is it our responsibility?  Do we not already pay enough in taxation?  Do we not have social workers in this country that you and I have helped fund through college and university?  Isn't the real problem education?  Shouldn't the government be doing something more than its doing already?  Will an extra £2 a month from me help if nobody else helps?  None of these are reason enough not to help, but to my shame I haven't yet picked up that telephone.  I know of course if I do I will get another telephone call in two months time asking me to double or triple the amount.

 

And whilst on the subject of television advertisements will somebody please throttle that screaming lunatic encouraging you to place bets with Ladbrookes.  To have advertisements encouraging people to bet on football, racing whatever is absolutely obscene.  And I'm appalled that an actor the quality of Ray Winstone should sink so low as well.  I'd rather see advertisements for cigarettes on TV than advertisements encouraging people to spend money betting and gambling.

 

 

Has Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister  of Australia, got it right? 

I think she has.

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
Separately, Gillard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying she supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: 'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT... Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.'
'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.'
'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!'
'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainlyappropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'
'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. Al l we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'
'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'
'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'

 

 

 

Finally.  Would you trust this man?  He is after all a Knight of the Realm

Sir Norman Bettison Chief Constable for West Yorkshire

 

 

 

The former chief constable of West Yorkshire Police, Sir Norman Bettison, would "have a case to answer for gross misconduct" over his dealings with his police authority in the wake of the Hillsborough disaster, the police watchdog said today March 28th.

 

Sir Norman Bettison was accused of attempting to influence public perception following the publication of a damning report on the April 1989 tragedy, in which 96 Liverpool football fans died.   The Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) has been investigating his relationship with the West Yorkshire Police Authority in the period after the release of the Hillsborough Independent Panel report, which laid bare police attempts to shift blame for the tragedy to the victims.

It found that he had sought to influence the authority whilst it was deciding whether or not to refer him to the IPCC.

 

The report said: "While it was evident Sir Norman made no attempt to prevent the referral happening, the IPCC investigation concluded that he attempted to manipulate the public perception of the referral process for his own self-interest."

 

Sir Norman, who was a chief inspector with South Yorkshire Police at the time of the disaster, attended the match at Sheffield Wednesday's ground as a spectator.

He resigned as chief constable of West Yorkshire last year, claiming that the controversy surrounding his actions had become a "distraction to policing in West Yorkshire".  Which was a very clever move.

 

In a statement issued through the police authority at the time, Sir Norman insisted that he had never blamed the fans for the tragedy.   And he dismissed a claim that he once bragged to a student in a pub about "concocting" the police version of events, describing the allegation as "both incredible and wrong".

 

The IPCC said in a statement today (March 28th): "The IPCC concluded Sir Norman had a case to answer for discreditable conduct and abuse of authority, breaches which, if proven in a disciplinary hearing, would amount to gross misconduct as they would justify dismissal.

 

"However, as Sir Norman left the police service in October 2012 he cannot face a disciplinary hearing in which the evidence could be tested.

 

"Instead, the IPCC is publishing its findings for the public to judge."

 

IPCC deputy chair Deborah Glass said: "The Hillsborough disaster and its aftermath have become synonymous in the public consciousness with allegations of police attempts to cover up the truth, manipulate messages and deflect blame.  "Sir Norman is facing investigation in relation to allegations that he played a key part in this.  "We do not prejudge the findings of that investigation. However, given the effect that those allegations have had on the public perception of him and policing generally, his attempts to manipulate and manage the perception of the referral of complaints about him, for his own self-interest, is particularly concerning.  "It is also conduct that falls far short of what should be expected of any chief constable.

 

"It was the IPCC's view at the start of the investigation, as it was the view of his Police Authority, that Sir Norman's actions, if proven, fell so far short of what is expected of a chief constable that dismissal would be justified. The evidence uncovered during the investigation supports that view.  "While we cannot bring this case to misconduct proceedings, we can publish the evidence and our conclusions, so that the public can judge for themselves.

 

Today (march 28th), Kevin Robinson, the former chairman of the Hillsborough Justice Campaign, told BBC Radio 5 that if Sir Norman had broken the law or done anything to corrupt the law he should be prosecuted accordingly.  He said: "There's no exemption for him, it doesn't matter what he is or who he is. We are all here to obey the law and he is no different."  He added: "If he has got nothing to hide, then he has got nothing to worry about."

 

However one thing we do know almost for certain.  All male top ranking police officers have connections with Masonry.  And by Jove they know how to look after each other.  So watch this space!

 

Sir Norman has always denied any involvement in a cover-up or any wrongdoing.  But he would, wouldn't he?

 

 

Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead

 

2013

Apr 10th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Bernard Wrigley

Apr 7th (Joe) Gosport Folk Festival

Apr 7th (Joe) Gosport Folk Festival

Apr 20th (KM) The Buccleuch Centre, Langholm, Dumfriesshire, Scotland.

May 8th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Martyn Wyndham Read

May 17th (KM) The Bacon Arts Centre Whitehaven

May 23rd(KM) Barn Village Hall, The Playing Field, Main Street, Baston, Lincs.

Jun 12th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Martin Simpson

Jun 21st (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

Jun 22nd (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

Jun 23rd (KM) Scottish Traditional Boat Festival, Portsoy

July 6th (KM) Rhyl.

July 7th (KM) Doddington Hall, Lincolnshire LN6 4RU - Provisional

Jul 10th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge

July14th (KM) Leighton Hall, Lancashire, LA5 9ST - Provisional

Aug 3rd (KM) Arbroath Festival of the Sea

Aug 4th (KM) Arbroath Festival of the Sea

Aug 23rd (KM) Bie Daip International Shanty Festival, Holland.

Aug 24th (KM) Bie Daip International Shanty Festival, Holland.

Aug 25th (KM) Bie Daip International Shanty Festival, Holland.

Sep 6th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival

Sep 7th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival

Sep 8th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival

Sep 11th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge

Sep 21st (KM) The Astor Theatre, Deal Festival of the Sea.

Oct 4th (KM) Portmagee Festival of the Sea - Provisional

Oct 5th (KM) Portmagee Festival of the Sea - Provisional

Oct 6th (KM) Portmagee Festival of the Sea - Provisional

Oct 9th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge

Oct 11th (KM) Banbury Folk Festival

Oct 12th (KM) Banbury Folk Festival

Oct 13th (KM) Banbury Folk Festival

Oct 25th (KM) Lichfield Arts Centre, Lichfield, Staffordshire

Nov 2nd (KM) Marine Theatre, Lyme Regis

Nov 8th (KM) The David Hall, Roundwell Street, South Petherton, Somerset.

Nov 9th (KM) Epsom Playhouse

Nov 12th (Joe) Thorner Probus Club, The Fox, Main St.  LS14 3dx

Nov 13th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge

Nov 25th (Joe) Ilkley Probus club.

Dec 11th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge. Christmas Party.

 

2014

May 23rd (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 24th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 25th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

May 26th (KM) Ostend Shanty Festival, Belgium

 

OBITUARY

 

Sooty Broughton passed away during March.  An enormous part of the Pompey Folk Scene in the 70's into to the 90's organising the Railway Folk club for the best part of 20 years.  He was head honcho for the Portsmouth Shanty Men until illness caused his retirement.  He drifted away from the folk scene some years ago with some form of ME and he became very depressed and suffered memory loss.  He was great company before his illness set in and I spent many a late night in various curry houses in Portsmouth and Southsea after gigs at The Railway.  I lodged with him quite frequently when in town.  When he was eventually forced away from the Railway by its closure he continued to run the club at the Festing, the Alma Arms and Railway Social Club.

His final years were spent in a rest home in Fareham - he was 65

 

The funeral service will be held in Portsmouth on April 2nd at Portchester Crematorium , Upper Cornaway Lane, Portchester, HANTS. PO16 8NE
01329 822533  3.30pm
The Wake afterward at Broad Oak Sports & Social Club, Airport Service Road,
Portsmouth, PO3 5PB

 

 

LETTERS

 

Joe

I did Paddy's night at the Dunstable Orish Club

The poster read "Irish songs, some country and a drop of 60's Stuff"

I had already sung Whiskey in the Jar, Mursheen Dur-kin, The Mary Anne Mackew, Danny Boy, then I did Tell Me Ma and then for a change Zimmie's Rocking Chair........

The woman in the Green sweat shirt and the Guinness speckled chin rose from her chair (all 6ft of her)

"I am Nat Feckin 'appy" she cried "Datis not Irish Music! Today is Paddy's Day! Sing sometink proper!"

"Sorry" said I "Maybe you should read the poster madam"

"Feck the poster." She retorted " Anyway it Say's lunch will be Boiled Bacon and Champ"

"There must be two posters" I said, " I meant the one above your head that say Entertainment for St Patrick's night"

" Well feck em both "- she howled as glob of Guinness missed my ear, but landed on Steve's bass.

"Free drinks" he whispered, "Maybe you could ask her to have a drop of Caffery's next, if she'll let you get a word in."

"Well, I'm sorry if you're not happy but we will try to please you all."

For some reason she clapped Bobby Magee and Your Cheating Heart (my Favourite) and she bayed in ecstasy when we launched into " She wore no jewels, No costly Diamonds etc etc..."

"Dat Galway Shawl is the proper stuff, now feckin stick to it." She shouted in between the words of the chorus

I played the Blackbird, the Stack of Barley, I was halfway through Rodney's Glory and the Irish Linnet's tears - when the woman started crying "I love this song! You sing it feckin great, now no more fecking Beatles !"

The door opened and in came the son with the biggest stack of Pizza boxes.

The woman filled her mouth with a mixed meat and mushroom slice

"An wumb her shodder wob du gulway shore ...................."

"Put that down!" Boomed the steward, backed up by his wife waving the rules of the Club

" No outside food to be consumed in the bar she wailed!"

"Ah feck yourself!" said the woman and her husband and a small grey lady who looked like R2D2 in a floppy Guiness hat and a kniited cardigan

"Yeh ! feck off......."

I was just about to sing the line about hitting the road for Donegal, when the steward's wife got a slice of mixed meat and mushroom across the cheek

" Get Hout Noi " said a committee member who obviously came from the North of the Island

"And you can feck off too - Bluenose..... " said the woman "We're never coming in here again !"

As they left the man said to me "We really like your singing."

Steve pointed to the banner across the ceiling. It read "St Patricks Day - The happiest day of the year."

"............. And round her shoulder was the Galway shawl ... whoeee Ride me High.........................."

Theres no bizness like show .

Shep Woolley.

 

 

 

Hi Joe,

Another of your Rambles recently to hand and as ever interesting reading. Sometimes I find myself agreeing with you and then I find something disagreeable!

 

For instance, why do you and some of your correspondents hate the French so much? I am a Francophile and I do not understand why you have this attitude. Is it because France gave in to the Germans at the beginning of World War II? You will have to accept that the German military machine was unstoppable at that time – as the British found out when they were driven into the sea at Dunkirk. Someone is supposed to have said that that was Britain’s worst ever military disaster with thousands of men captured and thousands of tons of military stores, weapons, vehicles, etc. left behind.

 

I think that we have to go back to World War I to perhaps get an understanding of why France gave in so readily. In that war, England lost 886,000 men – both military and civilian. France lost 1,397,000 – half a million more than England. And then there was the horrific destruction of infrastructure – villages, towns, cities, roads, railways, bridges, etc. And the awful damage done to farmland. I can well understand why France did not want to go through that again.

 

All the best, keep on rambling,

Rudy Sunde. New Zealand

 

 

Hi Joe,

I found the list of Nobel prizes in the latest Ramblings interesting.

If correct it indicates that since 1974 Jewish and Islamic people have won an equal number of Nobel Peace prizes; since 1995 an Islamic person has won a Nobel prize for Peace while zero Jewish people have; since 1997 an Islamic person has won a Nobel prize for Medicine while zero Jewish people have.

Personally I'm a humanist and don't fall on either side of the discussion but it is interesting how the same statistics can be used support two very different sides of an argument isn't it?

Cheers,

Pete Wardle

 

 

 

Hi Joe...the problem with the 'horsemeat scandal' is not horse meat per se. As it was not supposed to be added, it clearly hadn't been passed as fit for consumption. If it was so easy to add, then so would unfit beef, and all manner of nasties. Your Spanish journalist seems to have forgotten that for centuries Spain was ruled by Muslims who built the wonders of Alhambra opened Universities and libraries and introduced civilization to a barbaric nation.

Jeff Lewis

 

 

Hi Joe,

 

Thanks for your newsletter. I've just had a quick scan of it. Some interesting points… I just think it important to point out that the Nazis also persecuted the following groups: Germans with mental and physical disabilities, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Roma ("Gypsies"), Poles, and Soviet prisoners of war.

 

Also, that to say that the 'German people looked the other way' is not totally accurate either. This denies how oppressed the Germans were under Hitler's rule, and also does not acknowledge that many Germans tried to help the Jews, they just couldn't admit it - or they too would have been killed. I know this because my own family were on of many families that hid Jews in their houses, which was hugely risky to themselves

 

With love,

Heidi Tidow x

 

 

 

Joe

When I was in Paris in ‘63, as an au pair, horse was always on the menu, a staple diet! Susan Head

 

 

 

Dear Joe,
I always enjoy your Ramblings. Everyone should read your Auschwitz section.
All best,
Geoff Bartley
Cantab Lounge
Cambridge MA

 

 

Hi Joe,

I try not to be bigoted, but stories like this make me weep for humanity :-

Just Google - Aesha Mohammadzai

Regards,

Rob Townshend

 

 

Hi Joe

The England rugby team's training session was delayed last Wednesday before the Wales game for nearly two hours at Cardiff.

One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.

Coach Stuart Lancaster and Chris Robshaw immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.

After a quick field analysis, the South Wales Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the English players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the English officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

Dave Pugh

 

 

 

 

Good Morning Mr Stead

Would you be good enough to add us to your ramblings list, assuming you're still rambling of course. Historical rambling are an interesting mix. !

I first saw you perform at Hadlow College way back in the Cretaceous, and then occasionally at Birthday Parties at Well Hall Pleasuance thereafter, I drifted away from "Folky" things, getting " good " and a couple of rubbish jobs for which I was singularly unsuited, I don't really give a monkeys wotsit about another 1/2% on the bottom line . Sorry.. not an attitude to endear me to management.. I eventually came to my senses about 10 years ago and qualified as a driving instructor, enabling us to spend more time being involved with music and particularly French and Breton dance and other interests. . ( I would take the liberty to direct you to www.buzzniks.co.uk. www.dansez-francais.org )

I finally let myself be persuaded to have Piano Accordion lessons. I found i could read music with good tuition, and I found I could play an instrument, quite averagelly, but the only way is up, innit! I'd been cured of any such musical ambitions by that bastion of educational excellence Eltham Green School.!

I reckon the Ropetackle Arts Centre here in Shoreham by sea would be a good venue for Kimber's Men. Easy enough to find on the web. Hope to see you there one day..

Best wishes for the future

Ian Sawyer.. Shoreham by sea

 

 

 

Funnies

 

Church Ladies With Typewriters

 

They're Back!

Those wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences apparently appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

 

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

 

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

 

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.........
"What........You coming empty handed?"



The Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa,I really don't like guns..How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money ,a big-a home and maybe a couple,of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotherr man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say ,'times up'"?

The Irish blonde...

 

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland ,arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. "with that, she stripped from the neck down ,rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed."Yes!Yes!I won,I won!"She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally,one of them asked,"What did she roll?"The other answered,"I don't know-I thought you were watching."


Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex-right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.
You hang in there, sunshine!

 

Theater seats for Seniors

 

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
Then the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,  "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the old man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
 "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".
Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.
They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."

 


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”
Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”
Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”

 



There's an annual contest at the Griffiths University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'political correctness'.
The winning student wrote:
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'

 

 

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your licence please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see, can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the licence quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a licence, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too!

 

 

Keep smiling, keep singing.

 

Joe Stead