Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 121 – October 2010

Thus the summer comes to an end. We (Kimber’s Men) started at Clennell Hall in Northumberland in early May and we’ve since travelled to Southwell in Nottinghamshire, Cleckheaton, Stonehaven in Scotland, Fano in Denmark, Shrewsbury, Great Yarmouth, Swanage, Exmouth and Combe Martin in Devon. So hearty thanks go out to Dave Forshaw, Mike Kirrage, Dave + Janice Minich, Ann + Ron Gardner, Erling + Sven, Alan + Sandra Surtees, John + Sue Griffiths, John Butcher, All the Exmouth Shanty Crew and finally but not least Tom + Barbara Brown. We still have the Harwich Sea Festival to visit in October courtesy of Pam + John Fitzgerald. CD sales at all festivals have been amazing and we were stunned at Combe Martin to discover fans travelling from Padstow, Falmouth, Taunton and Shrewsbury for just one show. The power of Facebook should not be overlooked. I have to confess I’m wary of Facebook myself as I found I was being inundated with ‘friends’ I didn’t know. I found it a bit unnerving to be honest, but Neil Kimber looks after our Facebook site and it seems to be working a treat.

I’m going to prison in October. Grendon Prison to be exact to give a lecture on Paul Robeson. Tell you more about that next month.

Delighted to see and hear Ed Milliband the new Labour leader denounce the Iraq War as a mistake. It was of course the best thing he could possibly have said at this time. Certainly better now than in some obscure interview in 6 months time. Will this leave a little egg on the face of WC Blair? I would like to think so. Just like Suez, Iraq will be remembered for all the wrong reasons.

The most recent news that NICE want to reward overweight people to slim by offering them financial gain to do so is grossly maddening! I have to confess I’m fed up to the hind teeth with smelly overweight greedy people who take up two seats on busses, make sitting in theatres and planes a nightmare and waddle around supermarkets and high streets stuffing their faces with in proper food. Why the fuck should they get financial reward to lose weight? Why should I, or the rest of you slim people, pay additional taxes to reward these greedy buggers? It’s a totally crazy idea. I have to confess to being somewhat overweight myself, but I have managed to lose 20 pounds since May and I intend to keep this weight loss movement going in a downward direction; and I certainly don’t expect payment to do so. The way to make grossly overweight people lose weight is to hit them in the pocket where it hurts. Hit them where the donuts come from.

Basic operations, such as knee replacements, hernia or any non-life threatening operation should be delayed until the patient has at least made an effort to lose some weight. Plane fares should have a basic rate up to a certain weight. All passengers should get onto the bag weighing machine and pay extra for being over a certain weight, so much per pound. Busses could have computerised fares and a weighing platform, thus overweight people pay more to travel. I’m astonished and at the same time angered at the sight of children waddling around with thighs and knees rubbing together totally out of condition before they even reach adulthood.

Cricket! An uninteresting topic to a lot of you I know; but it’s intriguing to again discover that not only are the Pakistani’s being accused of match fixing they are trying to implicate other nations as well. I’ve been accused of being racist before I know when daring to suggest that our Asian neighbours here in Great Britain are by nature liars. Unfortunately I base my accusations on personal knowledge and that of Nora my wife who has seen Asian children commit an offense and then blatantly tell her they didn’t do so when she’s actually witnessed it herself. White kids don’t do this, and it’s very unfortunate that Asians (not all of course, just the majority) tend to this. Being honest about something is not being racist however much you overtly liberal people might try to otherwise tell me.

So here is some sports news just in...
India has beaten Pakistan by 5 wickets in Mumbai ...............................next Thursday *!*

Rugby League! Not one of my most favourite sports I have to admit, but I find it incredulous to discover that tributes are pouring in from all over for a 31 year old prop forward who committed suicide this weekend. Apparently he was found guilty of taking illicit drugs to make him more powerful on the field of play and as a consequence had been banned for 2 years from playing. If I drink too much and drive my car don’t forget to feel sorry for me when I lose my license. What is this world coming to?

Finally I came upon this photograph which travelled to me from Rhonda Tauman via Paul Downes. It is of course Paul and me with Phil Beer. The question being. What year?

Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

2010
Oct 8th (KM) The White Horse Inn, Edwardstone, Suffolk
Oct 9th (KM) Harwich Shanty Festival
Oct 10th (KM) Harwich Shanty Festival
Oct 16th (KM) Puzzle Hall Inn, Sowerby Bridge.
Oct 27th (Joe) HM Prison Grendon, Near Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire.
Nov 12th (KM) St. Michael All Angels School, Meadow Close, Shelf, Halifax HX3
2011
Jan 11th (Joe) Burley in Wharfdale Probus Club – Valparaiso round the Horn
Jan 13th (KM) Trades Club, Hebden Bridge.
Feb 5th (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax. – Valparaiso round the Horn
Feb 8th (Joe) Fox Pub, Main Street, Thorner, LS14 3DX. – Valparaiso round the Horn
Feb 26th (KM) The Market Theatre, Ledbury.
Mar 19th (KM) Rhos-y-gilwen, The Oak Hall, Nr Rhoshill, Pembrokeshire.
Apr 8th (KM) Oxford Folk Club – Provisional
April 9th (KM) The Quay Theatre, Sudbury, Suffolk
May 1st (KM) Liverpool Shanty Festival
May 2nd (KM) Liverpool Shanty Festival
May 13th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
May 14th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
May 15th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
Jun 17th (KM) Falmouth Shanty Festival
Jun 18th (KM) Falmouth Shanty Festival
Jun 19th (KM) Falmouth Shanty Festival
Jun 25th (KM) Wirral Folk Festival
Jun 26th (KM) Wirral Folk Festival
Sep 14th (Joe) Barnsley Probus Club. – Life and times of Paul Robeson.


Review
Heave away, lads – key of sea…

Seventeenth-century sea battles, albatrosses, doses of the pox and donkey riding (certainly a “nudge-nudge” there) are far from the expected fare for RC’s review pages, but this release from one of the country’s most established shanty men gives a welcome chance to indulge in some variety.
Shanties and associated sea songs are a long-established musical tradition rooted in the struggles and dangers of working lives on the sea, while the songs’ enduring appeal recognises the unchanged nature of the form. Kimber’s Men have a rich variety of lead voices as well as a fine unison blend, which affords them the ability to add much light and shade to the songs through varied arrangements. Rio Grande and Blood Red Roses are rich, solid songs, while Lord Franklin has a completely different folk storytelling feel underpinned by guitar accompaniment and a lead voice not a million miles from Richard Thompson’s. Lest you think these are all old songs, Don’t Take The Heroes tells the harrowing tale of The Mousehole lifeboat disaster of 1981, reminding us once again of the social importance of this music’s social importance.
Talking Elephant | TECD 163
Reviewed by Kingsley Abbott
RECORD COLLECTOR


Obituary

Singer-songwriter Don Partridge was found collapsed in Ashington Gardens, Peacehaven, on Tuesday afternoon of last week. Paramedics tried to revive him but he was pronounced dead at the scene. He became an unexpected chart star in 1968 when his self-penned single Rosie reached number four in the UK singles chart. He was spotted busking in the West End of London, a one man band with a drum on his back. His follow up song Blue Eyes peaked at number three the same year.
Before his brief period of chart success, Don, who was born in Bournemouth in 1941, travelled around Europe with his guitar to busk on street corners.
He was signed in 1967 to EMI’s Columbia label by Don Paul, a former member of rock ‘n’ roll group The Viscounts, with Breakfast On Pluto becoming his final chart hit in 1969.
Although the hits dried up, he continued to perform and record, most notably recording the album The Highwayman in 2004 with Herbie Flowers, Nick Pynn and Richard Durrant.
Eventually he returned to busking, in and around his Sussex home.
A post mortem has established that he died from natural causes related to his heart, he was 68 years old. It is suspected he had a heart attack.
I only met Don once and that was at a charity gig we gave together at the Royal Albert Hall in London on Saturday June 21st 1969. Others on the bill that evening included Deena Webster, Johnny Silvo, Malcolm Price, Cliff Augier, Barry Skinner, John Foreman, Barry and Robin Dransfield, The Tinkers, The Overlanders and Jeff Dale.
The matter has been referred to the coroner's officer and an inquest will be held in due course.

LETTERS

Hello Joe
A long time no hear!
This is partly my reason for contacting you, as it has been some months now since any news of your activities has reached me.
I seem to recall that some time ago, in one of your newsletters, you were a little upset that your mail bag was growing smaller and smaller.
Has this poor response from your readers made you decide to stop compiling your 'ramblings?' Or could it be that the powers that be (names supplied if required) have leant on you so heavily, that your personal, political views are no longer allowed to be aired?
I am glad to see that your summer has been a busy one and that your travels have taken you as far as Denmark.
The new 'Kimber's Men' recording seems to be getting some good publicity of late and I hope that this reflects the sales.
You received a very favourable review in the October issue of 'Record Collector' and were given a very worthy four stars'!
Well done, you old groover.
Keep on rambling.
Paul (Muggins).


Joe
Congratulations on the ten years you gorgeous old codger!
Rhonda Tauman.
XXX


Dear Joe:
There's a point about the release of the Lockerbie bomber which no one seems to have noticed.
Before he was released, an appeal was on the way, and if it had gone ahead a lot of unpalatable truths about what really happened might have come out (since the initial conviction was very unsafe). So he was hustled out of the country before that could happen.
There's an appendix to my novel, The Fourth Step (on sale for reading on the Amazon Kindle ebook reader [advt]), which reads as follows:
Lockerbie – a tangled web
According to Wikipedia
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pan_Am_Flight_103_conspiracy_theories), “US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) agents . . . set up a protected drug route from Europe to the United States—allegedly called Operation Corea—that allowed Syrian drug dealers, led by Monzer al-Kassar (who was involved with Oliver North in the Iran-Contra scandal) to ship heroin to the U.S. using Pan Am flights, in exchange for intelligence on Palestinian groups holding hostages in Syria. The CIA allegedly protected the suitcases containing the drugs and made sure they were not searched. On the day of the bombing, as the theory goes, terrorists exchanged suitcases: one with drugs for one with a bomb.
“Time introduced another version of this theory, claiming that the American intelligence officers on PA 103 – Matthew Gannon and Maj. Charles McKee – had found out about the drug operation, and were headed to Washington to raise their concerns about its impact on their hostage rescue plans.
“Juval Aviv introduced a variation of this story in October 1989. Aviv was the owner of Interfor Inc, a private investigation company based on Madison Avenue, New York. Aviv claimed to be a former Mossad officer who led the Operation Wrath of God team that assassinated members of Black September who were believed to have been responsible for the Munich Massacre in 1972. According to his theory, the CIA knew in advance that the baggage exchange would take place, but let it happen anyway, because the protected drugs route was a rogue operation, and the American intelligence officers on PA 103 – Matthew Gannon and Maj. Charles McKee – had found out about it, and were on their way to Washington to tell their superiors.
“After PA 103, Aviv was employed by Pan Am as their lead investigator for the bombing. He submitted a report (the Interfor report) in October 1989, blaming the bombing on a CIA-protected drugs route (Barrons, December 17, 1989). This scenario provided Pan Am with a credible defense against claims for compensation by relatives of victims, since, if the U.S. government had helped the bomb bypass Pan Am's security, the airline could hardly have been held liable. The Interfor report alleged inter alia that Khalid Jafaar, a Lebanese-American passenger with links to Hezbollah, had unwittingly brought the bomb on board thinking he was carrying drugs on behalf of Syrian drug dealers he supposedly worked for. However, the New York court, which heard the civil case lodged by the U.S. relatives, rejected the Interfor allegations for lack of evidence. Aviv was never interviewed by either the Scottish police or the FBI in connection with PA 103.
“In 1990 the protected suitcase theory was given a new lease of life by Lester Coleman in his book Trail of the Octopus. Coleman was a former journalist-turned-intelligence agent working with the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) while employed by Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) in Cyprus. Coleman claimed to have seen Khalid Jafaar in the DEA office in Nicosia, Cyprus once again implying that Jafaar was a drugs mule, but this time for the DEA instead of Syrian drug dealers. In 1997, Coleman pleaded guilty to five counts of perjury in a Federal court after admitting that he submitted a false testimony in a civil litigation brought on behalf of the families of passengers killed in the bombing.
“Coleman's theory gained impetus when British journalist Paul Foot wrote a glowing review of Coleman's book for the London Review of Books. But on March 31, 2004 — four months before his death — Foot reverted to the orthodox Iran/PFLP-GC theory in an article he wrote for The Guardian entitled "Lockerbie's dirty secret".
“The . . . 1994 documentary film The Maltese Double Cross – Lockerbie, which included interviews with Lester Coleman and Juval Aviv, seemed to favour a hybrid version embracing both the CIA-protected suitcase and the drugs mule versions of the theory. Shortly after the film was broadcast by Channel 4 television on 11, May 1995, Aviv was indicted on fraud charges. Aviv was quick to claim that these were trumped-up charges, and in due course they were dropped.
-----------

Go well.
Karl Dallas

Bloody Hell Joe!
What a strange gig schedule.
Have you never heard of Southampton or Portsmouth, or indeed anywhere on the central south coast?
I mean to say. The Kimbers Men in Halifax! In Hebden Bridge! In Burley in Wharfdale!
I mean, just how far from the sea do you want to get! Most of those living in these places have never seen a bigger wet patch than a pavement pizza or the dribbled remains of their last shag with Slack Alice round the back of the mill, let alone actually having been to the seaside. In these places they sing of their burning love for the black faced northern ewe or the pain of the unrequited love the mountains or what a great life they had in the mills with rickets and no tea break.
They do sit atop Scafell and sing songs of the sea. Trust me. I know these things. I know you agree with me. You sang the ***king songs! “I’m a rambler from Manchester way” was one of them. So was “Aragon Mill” and “Keep that wheel a turning”.
So why not fix a few gigs at the maritime museum in Portsmouth, or somewhere in Southampton or in Bristol Docks. They have some excellent festivals of the sea in these places.
And they are much nearer to my place.
I am still enjoying your songs although it really does piss my kids off in the car. They will understand………eventually.
Pip Pip
Andrew Lutter

FUNNIES


An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".
"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"
"Well" the vet replied, “IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!".



These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient ' s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.


££££££££££


An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are stupid..
Not all blondes are dumb,
But all men are men.


Top Ten Country Western Songs.
10.. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day Long!


ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from thegolf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, RON

EDITOR’S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when, through a gap in the the door, he sees Mick doing a slow and sensuous striptease in front of an old Massey Ferguson tractor.
There was Mick clenching his buttocks and performing a slow pirouette as he gently removed his right boot, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and, in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his work trousers. Grabbing his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea-stained vest beneath and with a final flourish he hurls his hat on to a pile of hay.
“What the feck are yer doin’ Mick?” says Paddy.
“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ bejasus out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Mick, “but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and me therapist suggested I do somethin’ sexy to a tractor.”


****************


Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a bush fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE:

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day," replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.
When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had
this huge erection. Anyway, I went up - and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed
with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," said his wife - "but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."

Keep smiling, keep singing.

Joe Stead