Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 74 – November 2006.


To veil, or not to veil, that is the question; and a very vexing question I find it to be.

I’m sitting on the fence, not knowing which way to jump. My heart (my liberal side) tells me that I should be accommodating. If a woman wants to walk around dressed in a tent, looking quite ridiculous then that is entirely her business. She doesn’t look ridiculous to other Muslims, so it’s my problem and not hers. I would be happier of course if I could be convinced that every woman walking around dressed in black from top of head to tip of toe actually wanted to do it themselves and were not simply doing it under instructions from a husband or an elder. I’m sorry but I have to add that I’m not completely convinced they all dress that way because they want to. But I also have to accept that the Muslim society here in Great Britain has no real conception of liberation for women and it will be many years before the males look upon the females as equal beings. My wife spent many years teaching in a Church of England Primary School that accepted an intake of 30% Muslim children and the Muslim boys all treated her as an inferior human. So, as I understand the mentality and I have no real problem in this quarter except to add perhaps that I find it disturbing that the number of burkas seen on the streets of Bradford and Halifax has risen considerably in the last couple of years. And I have to ask myself why this should be.

Then I have my conservative side (this is ruled by the head). My conservative side questions whether in the first instance young children (or any children for that matter) can adequately be taught by a woman whose face, apart from the eyes, is completely hidden from the pupil’s view. A young Christian child would surely be terrified. I have strong suspicions that the Dewsbury school teacher is a plant. She is deliberately and unnecessarily causing a problem. So suddenly I find myself wanting the veil removed.

But there is an altogether more sinister side to this. The Taliban have officially confirmed my warnings in Ramblings past (2/3 years ago), that Britain would be specially targeted for unlawfully attacking Iraq. We voted Blair into power, now we must face the consequences. I can fully understand the logic. You only have to look at the mess we’ve made in Iraq and the trap we’ve entered in Afghanistan to appreciate we’ve messed up big time. Here in Britain suicide bombers are on the increase (apparently there are over 1,000 queuing worldwide – and that is from an official source) and there is no better anonymous way of walking the streets of Bradford than dressed in a burka. How will the security forces know who or what sex walks beneath? Will it be a cucumber or a bomb they carry in their bag?

You can mark my words, especially if you’ve marked them before. There is a suicide bomb walking beneath that burka; and I mean that literally, metaphorically and allegorically as well as coincidentally. The increase in burkas must indicate an increase in hard line religious beliefs and with it the danger of a considerable increase in terrorist attacks. Of course we should never have gone into Iraq in first place. We chose to surrender the moral high ground. A million people marched in London (myself included fresh out of hospital with a new knee) to protest against the war; but Blair – whom I consider to be nothing short of a war criminal - led this country with lies and untruths into the mess we now find ourselves. What is more amazing and annoying is that he has the gall to stand in front of the public still insisting he was right and his supporters continue to follow him. We talk about the fanatics who follow Bin Laden. What about the fanatics who follow Blair?

Meanwhile Mr Blair has suddenly decided that we need to save the planet! Well Pete Seeger told us that 35/40 years ago. Regrettably only a few listened to Pete. Apparently we have to cut back on carbon emissions! I wonder how much carbon he emitted attacking Iraq? We have to pay higher taxes now to save the planet. The man is extraordinary!!

I received the following Newsletter from the ‘Stop the War Coalition’. I make no apology for printing relevant parts in their entirety. I think you should read it.

I’ve also received the following http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9coHJ5iNcY&NR from the same source. It is a 10 minute clip from the controversial film – Death of a President. Take it with a pinch of salt.


STOP THE WAR COALITION NEWSLETTER No. 2006/39 - 04 October 2006
Email office@stopwar.org.uk
Telephone 020 7278 6694
Web: www.stopwar.org.uk

IN THIS NEWSLETTER:
1) WHAT TONY BLAIR DIDN'T SAY
2) A DAY TO REMEMBER: 23 SEPTEMBER 2006
3) LEBANON: INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE
4) LEBANON AND GAZA: EYEWITNESS REPORTS
5) BLOCKADE TRIDENT: 365 FASLANE
6) TROOPS HOME NOW: BRIZE NORTON DEMONSTRATION
****************************************
1) WHAT TONY BLAIR DIDN'T SAY
On 27 September 2006, a war criminal addressed the Labour Party Conference in Manchester. He has been compliant in the deaths of tens of thousands in Iraq and Afghanistan. His refusal to call for an immediate ceasefire in Lebanon and Gaza sanctioned Israel's barbaric attacks, which destroyed much of the infrastructure of those countries, killed nearly 1500 people -- one third of them children -- drove 250,000 people from their homes and scattered one million deadly cluster bombs across southern Lebanon, which every day are killing and maiming civilians.
The war criminal's speech was acclaimed by nearly all the mainstream media as "brilliant" (BBC), "electrifying" (Telegraph) and "majestic" (Guardian).
HERE ARE 10 THINGS THAT TONY BLAIR DIDN'T SAY IN WHAT THE INDEPENDENT CALLED "THE SPEECH OF THE CENTURY":
* The majority of Iraqis want the immediate withdrawal of US troops from their country, saying the departure "would make them feel safer and decrease violence."
* In Iraq, one attack on US forces takes place on average, every 15 minutes.
The majority of Iraqis approve of attacks on US forces.
* Reports to the US and British governments show that the Iraq war has acted as a "recruiting sergeant" for extremists and increased the threat of terrorism.
* The security situation in Iraq is so out of control that over 240,000 Iraqis have fled their homes in the past six months and registered as refugees.
* Only 20 percent of Americans "have confidence" in George Bush's Iraq policies.
* The Iraq war is currently costing US taxpayers around $2bn (£1.07bn) a week.
* The United Nations says over 6,600 Iraqis were killed in the months of July and August, September brought the highest level of civilian casualties since the war in 2003 and UN Secretary General Kofi Annan says Iraq is on the brink of all-out civil war.
* British soldiers fighting in Afghanistan are six times more likely to be killed in combat than soldiers in Iraq. Only 31% of British people support the war in Afghanistan.
* According to senior military sources, Britain's armed forces are "arguably losing or potentially losing" in Iraq and Afghanistan.
* Only 31% of British people support the war in Afghanistan.

THE SOURCES FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE STATEMENTS ARE LISTED HERE:
http://tinyurl.com/jjqjs
****************************************
2) A DAY TO REMEMBER: 23 SEPTEMBER 2006 While the newspapers showered Tony Blair with praise for a speech of breathtaking dishonesty and deception (see http://tinyurl.com/gklmw, if you can stomach it), they gave hardly any coverage to the event which brought up to 50,000 protestors from across Britain to Manchester on the eve of the Labour conference, calling for an end to the Bush/Blair wars and opposing the replacement of Trident nuclear weapons, the cost of which is now predicted to be ?75 billion.
The broadcast media was much better, with good reports on Sky News and BBC News and repeated radio reports through the day. Unfortunately, most of them gave the size of the march as 10,000 -- the first figure given out by the police, who by the end of the day had raised their estimate to 30 000.
Only on the internet will you find a full record of this memorable day of protest that filled the streets of central Manchester and surrounded the G-Mex Centre, where the Labour conference was held. FOR A SELECTION OF REPORTS, PICTURES AND VIDEOS, INCLUDING FILM OF ALL THE MAIN SPEAKERS AT THE TIME TO GO RALLY, SEE: http://tinyurl.com/pp7vn
****************************************
3) LEBANON: INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE
The last Israeli soldier left Lebanon this week. This followed the three week war in August, when Israel -- using the capture of two of its soldiers as an excuse -- was given the green light by George Bush and Tony Blair to unleash a long planned onslaught on Lebanon, which ended in terrible death and devastation for Lebanon but without Israel achieving any of its objectives.
Effectively Israel was defeated for the first time in its history by the resistance of Hezbollah fighters, who were supported by the overwhelming majority of Lebanese people. This defeat has opened up new prospects for the anti-war movement internationally. Trade unionists, campaigners and anti-war activists now have a new chance to deepen their links, co-ordinate action and to redouble their efforts to end the imperialist policies of the US and its allies in the Arab region.
An International Solidarity Conference in Beirut on 24-26 November has been called by the Cairo Conference in association with the broad based Samidoun relief organisation in the Lebanon. The Stop the War Coalition is supporting the conference on and believes that all anti-war movements around the world should make sure that they encourage the greatest number of activists to attend this crucial conference.
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE INTERNATIONAL SOLIDARITY CONFERENCE IN BEIRUT ON 24-26 NOVEMBER, CONTACT THE STOP THE WAR OFFICE: EMAIL office@stopwar.org.uk
****************************************
4) LEBANON AND GAZA: EYEWITNESS REPORTS Some of the best reporting from Lebanon and Gaza in recent months has been through the eyewitness accounts of freelance journalists and photographers.
A slideshow and talk by photographer Guy Smallman and reporter Penny Quinton will take place at the National Union of Journalists head office on Monday
9 October at 6.30pm. The meeting is organised by Media Workers Against the War and all are welcome. To view Guy Smallman's pictures, go to:
http://tinyurl.com/l23to
EYEWITNESSES IN LEBANON AND GAZA
MONDAY 9 OCTOBER AT 6.30PM
TALK AND SLIDESHOW with:
Guy Smallman, photographer
Penny Quinton, reporter
NUJ, HEADLAND HOUSE
308-312 GRAYS INN ROAD
LONDON WC1
More information: 07801 789 297 or email mwaw@btinternet.com
****************************************
5) BLOCKADE TRIDENT: FASLANE 365
From October 2006, there will be a year-long continuous peaceful blockade at Faslane in Scotland, the base where Britain's nuclear weapons are deployed.
The blockade is particularly timely because Tony Blair is hoping to push through a replacement for the Trident nuclear missiles -- at a cost now predicted to be up to ?75 billion -- before he leaves office within the next year. (See http://tinyurl.com/nyab2 for details of Faslane 365.)
Groups and organisations from Scotland, England and Wales, and beyond will shut down the base for at least one 48-hour period each during the year.
November 6/7 are the days when Stop the War will blockade the base. If you would like to be part of the Stop the War protest in Faslane on those days, email office@stopwar.org.uk with your contact details for further information.
****************************************
6)TROOPS HOME NOW: BRIZE NORTON DEMONSTRATION RAF Brize Norton in Oxfordshire is the main transport base for sending troops in and out of Iraq and Afghanistan. In August this year it was used by US planes taking munitions to the Israeli Defense Force to bomb Lebanon.
A national TROOPS HOME NOW demonstration at Brize Norton been called on Saturday 2 December. It will have a simple message:
? Stop using British bases to support the occupations of Iraq and Afghanistan.
? Bring the British troops home now.
FOR MORE INFORMATION, GO TO http://tinyurl.com/kp2u2


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By the way, have you ever been bothered by telephone salesmen? The attached mp3 should make you smile, assuming you’ve not already opened it.

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If you are the director of a folk festival, or run a folk club, or an Arts Centre you should read this…..

I have been contacted by some good friends who live in Valparaiso – Chile; who intend to tour Europe at the end of August through into mid/late September (2007). They are called Banda Celtamericana and they can be visited at:
http://www.myspace.com/bandaceltamericana
I will be sending a separate email about this in a few days time. Suffice to say however they are brilliant musicians who either lecture or are students at The Valparaiso University for Music. They specialize in Celtic music but have a very South American feel to them. They play guitarras, bozouk, banjo, gaita gallega, bodhran, panderos, mandolinas, zamponas, charangos, bozouk zas, whistles, flauta traversa, acordeón and uileann pipes.
If you run a festival, a club or an art centre you should contact me immediately. They’ve only sent me 3 CD’s to date.


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Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

2006
Dec 2nd (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax. (Matinee and evening)
Dec 14th (Joe) St Paul’s Church, Harrogate Men’s Forum. – Valparaiso
2007
Jan 12th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Music Festival, County Clare
Jan 13th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Music Festival, County Clare
Jan 14th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Music Festival, County Clare
Feb 15th (KM) Darlington Arts Centre, Vane Road, Darlington.
Feb 20th (Joe) St Aiden’s 50 Club, Mirfield, Huddersfield.
Mar 5th (Joe) Rossett School, Harrogate. (Life and times Paul Robeson)
Mar 7th (Joe) Morley Probus Club, Morley, Leeds. - Valparaiso
Apr 16th (KM) Bacup Folk Club, Conservative Club, Bacup
Apr 19th (KM) Black Swan Folk Club, York
May 5th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester. – Provisional
May 6th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester. – Provisional
May 7th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester. – Provisional
May 11th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
May 12th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
May 13th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
Jun 15th (KM) Alcester Folk Festival
Jun 16th (KM) Alcester Folk Festival
Jun 17th (KM) Alcester Folk Festival
Jul 7th (KM) Jersey Sea Festival – Provisional
Jul 8th (KM) Jersey Sea Festival - Provisional
Aug 11th KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival
Aug 12th (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival
Aug 13th (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival
Sep 7th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 8th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 9th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 15th (KM) Halifax Traditions Festival
Nov 18th (KM) The Open Door Folk Club, The Royal Oak, Werneth, Oldham.


Reviews
Kimber’s Men – Don’t take the heroes – APL11
Kimber’s Men is a shanty group, formed in 2001 comprising Neil Kimber, John Bromley, Joe Stead and the late Roger Hepworth (replaced by David Buckley). This CD has 25 tracks, mainly sea shanties (like ‘Blow the man down’, ‘South Australia’, ‘General Taylor’) with three self composed songs and a couple of other songs ‘Northwest Passage’ and ‘Lovely Nancy’.
It is very listenable to and should have wide appeal – even if you’re not a dyed in the wool shanty person.
The heroes of the title are Lifeboat Men. The album was commissioned by the RNLI and the charity will benefit from every sale.
Folk London

Letters

Dear Joe,
I have not even finished reading your latest newsletter, finding myself so in accord with your views on reviews that I had to respond. I write contentious books about medicine, the most important of which was published in 1993 and was called Dirty Medicine. In all I have written 9 books, 4 about medicine, all of which have grown out of my political activism.
I suppose that the alternative book market is a little like the folk circuit. There is one difference, however, reading books is hard work whereas listening to music is delightful fun. I know that reading books is hard work, harder than writing them it seems, because I haven't had more than 3 good, bad, or indifferent reviews to my last 4 books. Despite this, you can find scattered across the internet, hundreds of times the paragraphs I have written for the back cover blurb of my books, sometimes mixed with lists from the contents pages.
The real problem is of course that many reviewers, not only can't do their job, as you say, but don't realise the need for their job. The reviewer has a very serious role to play. Although my books go out to a number of readers before they are published, I absolutely depend on reviewers to create a discussion about my writing and what I write about. The reviewer is the goal keeper who saves the book from going down the black hole, lost to history, without comment or publicity.
Like you, I would never think of complaining if a review made out my work to be poor or even bad, I'm glad these days, about any well written and considered review longer than one sentence. Alas, I think that I had better not hold my breath for these, ultimately, I think this lack of criticism and discussion is yet another sign of the frighteningly lazy approach and lack of values that many have not only in cultural circles but in society generally.
Regards,
Martin J Walker

Hi Joe,
Thanks for your Ramblings. Always pleased to get it, though sometimes I don't manage to take it all in!
I agree very much with your attitude to Bush & Blair, but there are some things you say that give me the impression that you have not looked into the "conspiracy" theories re 9/11. To me they are much more compelling than the official story, and add a huge number of suspects to the terrorist list. http://www.nineeleven.co.uk/ is where you should go and look, even more so if you are really sceptical. (Building seven fell a few hours after the twin towers, despite no attack from a plane or anything else). "Loose Change" documentary, which you will find on the front page under "media" is very well worth watching.
Anyway, keep up the good work. Hope to see you around sometime. Sorry I missed Paul at the Topic, I was away - did you go? Still think of you often when I look under my kitchen table!!
Bless you.
Maggie Boyle xx

Joe
My new radio programme of protest songs, What’s goin’ on, goes out on Bradford Community Broadcasting (106.6FM if you’re in the Bradford area, otherwise on www.bcbradio.com over the Internet). Having a theme sung by Marvin Gaye indicates that this won’t be the same old same old, though the first show does include Pete Seeger, Woody Guthrie et al more usually associated with protest. There’ll be a unique Soviet recording of Brother can you spare a dime, and a rare recording of Florence Reece, composer of Which side are you on. Maureen Galvin, one of the organisers of next year’s Raise Your Banners festival of political song in Bradford, chooses five of her favourites. Having a guest to choose his/her favourite music will be a regular feature, so if you’d be interested in making a selection, please let me know. If you can’t come into the studio, we can do it over the phone (but you’ll need to give me good notice so I can lay my hands on the tracks).
I plan to put the programme up on the Internet, and leave it there for 28 days before a new one takes over.
Other things that are happening:
My mammoth selection of the past 60 years of writings goes on apace. You can check out the latest selection at www.karldallas.com/WorksInProgress. As the title indicates, these are very much Works in Progress, and not all the links work perfectly, but it’s totally searchable, so if you want to know what I think of matriarchy (it’d be a good idea, as Gandhi said of democracy), then just type in the search term on the main www.karldallas.com web page (it actually searches the entire site, which includes the text (including deleted scenes and background material) of my Iraq play, Into the war zone, and my section of The Electric Muse book, the roots of tradition.
Also up on the web is my commemoration of the Twin Towers, which went out on BCB on September 11: hear it at www.karldallas.com/9-11.
Next big thing will be Faslane 365, which has just begun, but I’ll be leading a group I’m calling Guerrilla Broadsides to join the Bradford/Leeds contingent of this year-long blockade of the Faslane nuclear base in Scotland on November 15 and 16. If you’d like to join in, please let me know.
Also, don’t forget to tune in to my jazz programme, Swing Easy, which goes out on BCB every 28 days from 8pm to 9pm. Next show is on Tuesday October 24 and will be devoted to jazz diva’s. Again, this can be heard over the web (address as above).
Tomorrow I’ll be singing at the CND demo at Fylingdales base, which is a key component in the Star Wars “nuclear arms in space” programme. Please come. If this is too late a notice, then please make a note of November 11, when I’ve assembled a wonderful group of performers for the CND Peace Fair in the Victoria Hall, Saltaire, 11am to 4pm.
Finally, to all those who saw me on BBC2’s Folk Britannia show, thanks for your comments. Please note that I hope to launch the CD of Works in progress in the New Year and I’m available to talk, sing, act the fool, for festivals, club nights, Christenings, Bar-Mitzvahs etc. Contact details below.
Karl Dallas
Tel: 01274 823949
Mobile: 0790 487 8013
My website: www.karldallas.com
Personal blog: www.kd2006.blogspot.com.


Well Dad!!
I must say that I clearly disagree with you. People who abuse are not ill, they clearly know right from wrong. If they were abused as a child then they know that what they are doing is most upsetting for the victim. People who abuse love to be in control and intimidating their victims.
Being a Mother, if my daughter ever had to endure what those poor young girls went through I would want him or her to rot in prison. Hopefully getting lots of grief from other prisoners who will torture him/her for what they did. Ian Huntley is probably a main target in prison and is being tortured everyday for what he has done. With the evidence which the police are provided with these days, it is probably 20 times better then in your day when criminals were sent to the gallows. I think is should be up to the victims loved ones to decide on the punishment of the criminal.
Would you of been so forgiving if that was me, your only daughter! Tortured, raped, cut into bits and then burned to hide the bodies. If he was ill, he clearly wouldn't be in the state of mind to hide their poor defenseless bodies, he would of probably killed himself. Ian Huntley should stay alive and serve his sentence. He was in control and he knew what he did was wrong.
The only persons that he wanted to punish was Maxine Carr, Holly and Jessica, all because he didn't have control of his girlfriend. Whom got off very lightly for concealing evidence. Maxine is now living a life with tax payers money with a new identity. She should be rotting in prison too.
I would still stand by my opinion and say that Ian Huntley is NOT ill or any other pedo!! If you label it as an illness then surely they would use that as an excuse. They know that these actions they are doing on their victims are completely wrong. These poor children will have lots of problems as they grow up. As we both well know.
Suicide is never an option for them, they shouldn't have a choice. They should be committing suicide for even having those thoughts of damaging young children. I've now been working with children for over 12 years, so much damage can be done in their early years which could effect them for life.
Social, emotional, physical damage to their development. All because some freak wants to take away their innocennce. It makes me sick.
Of course you can put this on your ramblings. I would like to hear what everybody elses thoughts are on this.
Take care love you toooooo
Dominique xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Dear Joe,
I am writing to complain about the latest ramblings as I found nothing to disagree with - poor show!
Cheers
Elliot Smaje

Funnies

Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an old Jewish man sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Jew kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Jew, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the man's left shoe and spat in it.
When the old man returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the old man obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the man's other shoe and spat in it.
When the old man returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the old Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes? When will it end??

((((((((((((((


A fellow goes into a bar in Dublin.
"What's the quickest way to Cork?" he asks.
"Are you driving or walking?" asks the barman.
"I'm driving", replies the man.
"Well, that's the quickest." says the barman.

**************

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


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Elderly Couple
An older couple go separately to the Doctor who asks the husband if he has any questions.
In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly?"
Surprised the husband can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the elderly wife. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replies that she has no questions or concerns.

The doctor then says to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

Crazy old *****," she replies. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.


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A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No, certainly not!" she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"......................
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

WWWWWWWWWWWWWW


Australians
An Australian, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Australian. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Australian took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Australian had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, so they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Australian started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"


Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy....... The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.


Keep smiling, keep singing.


Joe Stead