Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 98 – November 2008

Having now seen what a complete and utter dim-wit Sarah Palin really is I’m beginning to have second thoughts that the Republican Party can possibly win the next presidential election. My earlier thesis a month ago was based simply on the fact that being female (an unusual scenario for vice president) she would pick up a lot of female floaters. There are Americans of course who will vote Republican anyway because father, and his father before him, has always voted Republican. I met some of them on a cruise ship this last month when I spent seven days with Nora sailing around the Mediterranean. They looked like normal human beings most of them and showed no visible signs of either dementia or madness; except for this peculiar trait of always voting for the same party despite the terrible things that they’ve done. A lot of the passengers (and they were mainly Republican) were under the correct impression that Americans had lost favour with the remaining population of planet Earth. Unsurprisingly too, considering they were Republican, they were at a complete loss to understand why! Time will tell; but it’s a more than sobering thought (suicidal in my case) that should the Republicans win; and then should McCain be assassinated, or simply die from old age, the world is going to have a winking You Betcha as president of what is still (but perhaps not for long) the most powerful nation on Earth. Could things be worse than Bush? You betcha! But they won’t be surely; will they?

Back in Britain Jonathan Ross, along with Russell Brand, has shown his true colours. I’ve always disliked comedians (Michael Barrymore was another one) who get their laughs from belittling people; and as such I seldom watch Ross even when presenting his film programme. So in a way I’m delighted that the little shit has come up trumps leaving nasty messages on a real actor’s answer-phone. I had hoped he would be banned from the BBC for the foreseeable future. But in an inconceivable move the BBC have fired Lesley Douglas Controller of Radio 2 and simply suspended Ross for 12 weeks. Where is the justice in that? At least the man has now apologized and says he deeply regrets his actions. At £6,000,000 a year – I bet he does. But where is the compensation for Lesley Douglas who could never have conceived even in her wildest dreams that Ross and Brand would not only say on air that one of them had f****d another actors granddaughter; but also leave the message on the old actors answer-phone. I understand Ross is still to host an ITV awards programme soon. I hope he gets a very cold reception. I doubt if I will watch it – I seldom watch these programmes anyway.

There are a couple of web pages I urge you to view. A few months ago I mistakenly urged Pete Seeger to give up performing. Having seen him at his peak captivate 5,000 people at The Royal Albert Hall it seemed a pity to see him on You Tube singing to a handful of people whilst a woman pushed a push chair past the stage oblivious that God was on stage behind her. I was of course, as I often am, wrong; and one or two of you were kind enough to point this out. Further proof of my stupidity is evident if you click the following. Remember he’s 89 years young.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4yKFsanqSo
Another wonderful old timer still trotting his stuff is Oscar Brand who has run a folk music radio programme in New York almost continuously since World War 2! He daren’t give up on the grounds that a silent Oscar Brand will herald World War 3. Oh crikey; I’m back with Sarah Palin again.
Whilst on the subject of WW2 you might care to look at someone very much like Adolph Hitler being rude about banjos. How very dare him!
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=HY-EuyEsYTE

At the end of the letter section I have included a disturbing letter from David Sampson. David’s daughter was raped a number of years ago; and David has fought a long hard losing battle with the authorities ever since. It has been many years (over 20) since I last met David so I don’t have any proof about his mental health; other than I am sure that this terrible story of injustice will have done him no good whatsoever. His determination to see that justice should prevail however shows him to be a remarkable man of incredible courage. David has written to me about 20 times during his ordeal; and whilst I’ve always read his letters I’ve kept them out of the Ramblings as I’ve felt that the subject matter was inappropriate for this column. The whole sad story is however now here for your consumption. I have to say that whilst I endorse his sentiments I have no actual proof that any of it is true insofar as I’ve only his word on the matter. However I’m deeply inclined to believe each and every word and I would be delighted to receive letters of comment from policemen, ex-policemen and especially masons on the content herein. Take time, despite the length, to read it all; it is disturbing and if true (as I suspect it is) it is a terrible indictment on justice in this country which runs in parallel, if to a lesser degree, with the execution of innocent prisoners in Texas.


Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

2008
Nov 7th (KM) Bingham Folk Club, Nottingham.

Nov 12th (Joe) Mount Bretton Working Men’s Club, Barnsley. - Valparaiso
Nov 15th (KM) Puzzle Hall Inn, Sowerby Bridge. (Get there early).
Nov 18th (Joe) Private Function in Sheffield – Valparaiso round the Horn
2009
Jan 12th (Joe) North East Leeds Probus Club – Valparaiso round the Horn
Jan 16th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Festival, County Clare
Jan 17th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Festival, County Clare
Jan 18th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Festival, County Clare
Feb 7th (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax.

Feb 25th (Joe) Durham, North Carolina. US
Feb 26th (Joe) Calvert Marine Museum in Maryland.
Feb 27th (Joe) Pickers Supply Concert Hall, Fredericksburg, Virginia, US.
Feb 28th (Joe) Washington Folk Song Society. US
Mar 1st (Joe) South Street Seaport Museum, New York. US.
Mar 7th (Joe) Philadelphia Folk Song Society. US.
Mar 10th (Joe) Montgomery College, Bluebell Hill, Philadelphia US (Lunch time).
Mar 10th (Joe) The Mermaid Inn, Winston Road, German Town, Philadelphia. US
Mar 14th (Joe) South Portland, Maine. US.
Mar 15th (Joe) House Concert, Boston, Ma. US
Mar 16th (Joe) The Cantab Lounge, 738 Massachusetts Ave, Cambridge, Boston, Ma. US
Mar 17th (Joe) World Performance Center in Essex. Ma
Mar 28th(Joe) Fiddlers Dream Coffeehouse, 1702 East Glendale, North Phoenix, Arizona.
May 2nd (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester
May 3rd (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester
May 4th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester
May 8th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
May 9th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
May 10th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland

May 11th (Joe) Leeds
May 20th (Joe) Menston Retired Mens Forum, Kirklands. (Paul Robeson)
Jun 12th (KM) Falmouth Festival of the Sea
Jun 13th (KM) Falmouth Festival of the Sea
Jun 14th (KM) Falmouth Festival of the Sea
Aug 28th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 29th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 30th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 31st (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Sep 4th (KM) Hull Festival of the Sea - Provisional
Sep 5th (KM) Hull Festival of the Sea - Provisional
Sep 6th (KM) Hull Festival of the Sea - Provisional

Sep 9th (Joe) North Bradford Men’s Forum. - Valparaiso
Sep 11th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 12th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 13th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 18th (KM) Deal Maritime Festival - Provisional
Sep 19th (KM) Deal Maritime Festival
Sep 20th (KM) Deal Maritime Festival
Oct 25th (KM) Scrag End Folk Club, Shoulder of Mutton, Oakthorpe, Leicestershire
2010
Sep 25th (KM) The Castle Inn, Combe Martin, High Street, North Devon.


Letters

Hi, Joe,
Still enjoy the Ramblings. But I was dismayed by your bleak outlook on our upcoming election.
I and hundreds of thousands of my fellow Americans are working for Barack Obama, in hopes of having a more civil society, if only for four (or hopefully eight) years. I feel that John McCain's selection of the moronic Sarah Palin as running mate will, in the long run, help our cause. And while it is true that GW Bush didn't actually win an election, (if you recall, the Republicans gimmicked Florida's ballots in 2000, and again in Ohio in 2004), we hope we will prevail in 2008.
We just learned that John McCain has decided to pull all of his election workers out of Michigan, basically conceding the state and its electoral votes to Barack Obama. Once again I am proud to be a Michigander. We were one of the first states to abolish the death penalty. In lots of ways we are a very progressive state.
Anyway, I had to brag to someone. And I still have my hopes up to see you in concert. Pennsylvania is only a 10 hour drive or so.
Let's keep a good thought.
And by the way, the cost of the Iraq war is now approaching 600 Billion dollars. That's the American Billion ($600,000,000,000).
Thanks,
Merrill Falk,
Michigan


Dear Joe,
Thanks for the CD you gave us when you stayed with us in Shrewsbury recently.
I particularly liked "Valparaiso" as there was a good story to tell amongst the shanties.
The Ramblings make some interesting reading and although I have been politically inactive for several years I have no plans to change. Most of the big decisions and major legislation are taken in the EC and our Houses of Parliament is just a rubber stamp.
Why we are at war with anyone is beyond me and I prefer the way it was in the time of Henry IV when he took the decision to go to war he led his troops into battle. If the politicians had to lead us onto the battlefield i think most wars would stop instantly.
The world is very, very, very complex and it is not easy to comprehend what effect any action we take in the UK has elsewhere.
On another matter why do we want the cost of the Olympics, we are mainly best at the sports they do at Public Schools (which is fine by me) or at sports where you need specialist and costly equipment like sailing and rowing. The idea that spending 30 billion that we cant afford will leave a legacy is a joke just spend it on what we need without all the profits going into the hands of a few major contractors.
Any way before i really get going i will sign off and look forward to seeing you again soon
Regards
Nigel Hinton

Joe
Only got as far as the first paragraph. The point about Martin Carthy is that you can go and see him in places like Ripponden folk club - he hasn't exactly abandoned doing what he's always done. In the last 3 weeks I've seen him twice with Dave Swarbrick -utterly marvelous. What's wrong with an experiment like that. Paul Weller is on the album - isn't it good that some of his fans might discover traditional music by him doing this. I found folk music through Fairport and things like Donovan - its part of a journey- an evolution but not an abandonment. I don't like every folk song or performer so I don't bother listening to them. If your culture is internally strong, why worry about it? They aren't exactly setting out to destroy you - that's the government's job!
All solid mature trees have good roots and many branches. Sit on the ones you like the view from - but don't fall off.
Elliot Smaje


Hello Joe,
Have just read the Ramblings and am absolutely horrified at the amount of space you've given to football. Even as an avid football loather I did the polite thing and read the whole lot and I have to tell you that I don't have a bloody clue what you are going on about! I hope you aren't going to make a habit of waffling on about football in future Ramblings.
Rhonda Tauman
Tenerife

Joe
You are a bright light before the winter sets in. I love your 'stories' the only one I don't understand is the football they pay loads of money to their players do we really need to do that ????
I never watch for that reason
Jill Fielding xx


Joe
I enjoy your ramblings on the whole, and made sure I signed up for a Nobel prize for Pete Seeger. I share most of your political views, too, and love to have a rant about the stupidities and downright dishonesties of our politicians. But I do object to your final joke this time about the Jewish woman complaining about sex. Come on, Joe - not filth and racism at the same time! You can do better than that.
Steve Rostron (whose record you produced in 1974).

Joe,
Thanks for sending me the Ramblings every month, as an ex-pat I really enjoy reading them.
Just out of interest the last two months went into the 'undesirables' bin as Spam on Orange.fr and I only found them by accident. You may want to check with any other friends you contact in France or on Orange anywhere else. I think it may have something to do with the hyphens in the title--------- but I am no expert!!
Regards
Josephine Washington
Laroque de Fa


Dear Friends of the Justice4us Campaign
Both National and local newspapers have carried the story of the Sampson family's fight to gain justice following a serious attack on my daughter These have included a number of articles in The Mail on Sunday see www.wurzelbush.co.uk/p.htm and a headline front page in The Birmingham Post see attachment. You would not believe that what I now reveal has happened to me, Could be happening in England but I can assure you it is true............. They have arrested me and held me for 3 month's without charges or access to a solicitor. In April this year I believe I made legal history when I brought a civil case online against notorious local criminal David Hoskins for "Intimidating a Witness who was helping police with their enquiries and using damage to my Vauxhall Astra as an instrument of his intimidation. I was awarded 800 pounds plus 60 pounds court cost. I also brought a case for damages against former Labour county councillor Phillip Blundell who is Chairman of Warwickshire Police Authority for his part in breaking Article 12 of The 1948 UN Convention on Human Rights. According to Liberty’s website it is not clearly defined what claims can be made in the small claims court and that it would thus be a matter for the court to judge whether damages can be awarded. I did this not for the prospect of financial gain but to hopefully establish the principle that members of a public body such as the police have a duty to observe human rights agreements. At a time when my 17 year old daughter was a key witness and Warwickshire police were investigating a very serious crime involving David Hoskins and Jarrod Large. The 2 men had come to our home at 2am in the morning and terrorized my family threatening to kill both my daughter and myself. I watched as David Hoskins threw a large concrete bolder at the rear windscreen of my already badly damaged car. I chased both men off my drive but they turned and stood on the roadside stepping and yelling abuse at my daughter and me. Less than 12 hours earlier my daughter had been at the police station and had asked that the 2 men face charges. It was very clear from what they were saying that they knew what had gone on at the police station. (I have since found out that a civilian working for Warwickshire police has a habit of leaking confidential information to people in our village. Usually warning heavy drinkers when police are planning breathalyzer checks.) The 2 men left our house just before the police arrived from Rugby. My car was an insurance right off but PC Donna Newsum the officer in charge said that this was a minor offence and that we should concentrate our statements on the fact that the men had tried to” Pervert the course of justice by intimidating a witness" She told us not to bother about the car damage as the 2 men would already be in very serious trouble. The other officer PC Belbeck added that if found Guilty in court they would receive long prison sentences. PC Newsum told all present that they had more than enough evidence for a conviction. (There was even a sound recording of the 2 men making threats.) 6 weeks went by and we heard nothing from Rugby police. Patrick Mears who was a reporter on The Rugby Advertiser was the first person to tell me that the charges against the 2 men had been dropped. My entire families were stunned by this we could not understand how they got away with such a frightening attack especially when 3 of the 5 main witnesses had identified both men as being David Hoskins and Jarrod Large. Shortly after we found this out I asked the police to make a separate statement purely about the criminal damage to my car and the fact that I had seen David Hoskins actually doing some of the damage. Shortly after I had done this we received a visit from Warwickshire police authority Member County Councillor Phillip Morris Jones. He came to our house with some newspaper cuttings about Freemasonry. He warned that we were not likely to achieve justice because of the people involved. I subsequently went to his Pailton home to ask him more about what he had told my family. He invited me in and showed me a video about how police officers who are Freemasons corrupt the justice system. The video was of a Channel 4 Despatches programme originally broadcast circa 1990. At the time I did not quite know how to take the councillors remarks. A month later I found out that photographs which I had handed to PC Fletcher at Rugby police station for the attention of Chief Inspector Brian Donnoly had gone missing and also the 999 tape which contained a running commentary by my wife of what was going on at the time David Hoskins and Jarrod Large had smashed the car up had been wiped. There was another incident where my car was damaged by David Hoskins about a year later. This time it went to court and Hoskins pleaded Guilty to a public order offence. He was fined 80 pounds and ordered to pay me 400 pounds. During the court case CPS prosecutor David Everett made a public attack on me. He said, "The court would find David Sampson a less than creditable witness" I was amazed at this remark from a man who I had never even met. My wife and I went to see a local solicitor told him about what had happened in the past and how I had made 2 statements about the witness intimidation and car damage. The solicitor told us that the CPS man had believed I had made the second statement out of malice or in other words made it up, A few days later I phoned PC Newsum she said she remembered coming to our house and how it was a serious case of witness intimidation. She also said that senior officers had switched the charges. This was some 18 months after the incident and 10 months after a senior officer Chief Inspector Michael Slater had taken charge of a reinvestigation of the evidence after we complained to our MP Mr Olner. At a meeting with Chief Inspector Michael Slater he had told us there was insufficient evidence to prosecute either man for any offence. What we hadn't realised then was that someone had switched the charges. The reinvestigation was not looking for evidence for "Perverting the course of justice" but for evidence for "Criminal Damage to a car" and because I had made 2 statements as far as the CPS were concerned I was a liar. Just after the second incident my wife and I appeared on BBC TV News (Midlands Today) complaining about how we had been terrorized by David Hoskins and his family for over a year. I was approached in the village club by a man I didn't know. He said he was aware of the media attention and had been at a gathering where he alleged that David Hoskins father had boasted that "His friends "The Chief of police" and "Councillor Blundell" had pulled strings in order to fix evidence to keep his son out of trouble. I later found out that the man who told me this was the father of a convicted murderer. Through no fault of my own I had been publicly attacked in Rugby magistrates court by CPS prosecutor and when I complained to Mark Lynn Chief Crown Prosecutor for Warwickshire he told me in writing that his man David Everett had made this remark and couldn't see anything wrong with it. The CPS and senior members of Warwickshire Police and Warwickshire Police Authority have refused to accept my word that I had given evidence to PC Newsum for perverting the course of justice by intimidating a witness. Thus Article 12 of The 1948 UN Convention No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks. As a respectable member of the public who had no criminal record and had never been suspected of any crimes I believe both the CPS and Warwickshire police authority had breached the UN convention on Human Rights. A barrister working for the charity Liberty had advised me to take the police to the Human Rights court. When I told MP Bill Olner this at his Saturday morning surgery he told me public money could be found to take such action. However, in a letter I received from him a week or so later he appeared to have changed his views. In fact it seems that Tony Blair had removed any chance of me obtaining legal aid for such a case. The government had just announced an online petition scheme on the Number 10 website so I put up a petition calling for funding for ordinary people to bring Human Rights cases against public bodies such as the police see Number 10 website http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/justice4us/ Over 200 people were signatories to this petition including the wife of County Councillor Phillip Morris Jones. Peace Campaigner Roy Bailey, the chairman of Nuneaton Conservative Party John Waine and magistrate and folksinger Jill Fielding JP. (She like me is a musician. She has studied the evidence in this case and has said that under 1985 Prosecution of Offences Act the 2 men should have stood trial in the criminal court.) In August last year I tried to contact MP Mr Olner after I had a phone call from Mr Hyde of HMCPSI about this issue. Mr Hyde is the deputy chief inspector for Her Majesty Inspectorate of The Crown Prosecution Service. He told me that my MP should take up the matter with The Attorney General's office. The MP had gone on holiday and as he wouldn't be back for some time it was suggested that I spoke to one of the Labour councillors on the police authority. I choose Councillor Rob Hicks who I spoke to on the phone. It was he who suggested I went and spoke to Chairman of Warwickshire Police Authority Phillip Blundell. Mr Hicks had told me that Mr Blundell lived in Newbold upon Avon, which was a few miles from my home. As Mr Blundell was unto recently Chief Executive of Rugby Hospital Trust and had previously been Mayor of Rugby I had no difficulty finding out from locals where to find him. It was a warm August evening at about 6pm when I called at his house. I am well known in the Midlands as a Folk-Comedian something I have done for over 30years so I wasn't that surprised to find that Phillip Blundell knew who I was but what I had not expected was the hostile reception he gave me. He ordered me to leave the premises. I didn't argue with him I left. A few days later I received a threatening letter from Phillip Blundell on police authority headed paper (See Attached.). I showed this letter to Lord Denbigh he said that in his opinion they were illegal and that he should not be using police authority headed paper to issue threats. . Thursday May 15th 2008 was a normal working day. I work for MEL Secure Systems in Coventry. It is a small company and I was working along side a number of my colleagues on a project for a local council. All my colleagues will confirm that I was acting and behaving perfectly normally and carrying out my duties as per normal. I was woken the next morning by the doorbell ringing endlessly. I went to the door in my dressing gown. It was the police they said I was under arrest for harassing the Chairman of the police authority Phillip Blundell I told them that I had a legal right to bring civil action against Mr Blundell and that it was an offence to intimidate a plaintiff who was involved in civil court action. The officers took no notice of what I had been saying. I wasn't allowed time to wash, shave or even comb my hair. I was taken to Rugby police station and locked in a cell all day without access to a lawyer. Then this psychiatrist saw me and sectioned me under the mental health act. I was held in a mental hospital with no access to any lawyer for over 3 months. When I eventually got a solicitor I was released from the section almost immediately and was soon discharged from the hospital. However because I was unable to attend the civil court case against Phillip Blundell he was able to claim costs against me of circa 2500 pounds. Even though by his police forces actions he had prevented me from attending the court. Mr Blundell had been The Chief Executive of our local Hospital Trust. I strongly suspect that the psychiatrist who sectioned me had previously worked for or knew Mr Blundell. On Monday 8th September after phoning me to arrange a meeting the Chief Executive of the Police Authority Eric Wood came to my home and tried to blackmail me into remaining silent about the attack on my home and giving up on my family's campaign for justice. He said that unless I removed the Justice 4 Us website from the Internet and other items on You Tube his authority would insist on me paying them the 2500 pounds for Mr Blundell costs. I believe I have a basic Human Right to pursue my family's campaign for justice and that I have a legal right to take civil court action against anyone and that my arrest was illegal. See letter attached Until David Hoskins became a problem for my family I had never had any real dealings with the police. I had never been arrested and most local people would have regarded my family and myself as pillars of the local community. I have since found out that Warwickshire police authority had reported me to The Fixated Threat Assessment Center in London and that is the official reason I was arrested. This was the second time I had been arrested by Rugby police. On the previous occasion in September 2004 Kate Hoskins mother of David Hoskins made a series of unsubstantiated claims against me. Mrs Hoskins also claimed that she had medical qualifications in psychiatry. As a result of this I was locked up in a police cell for over 14 hours not been able to be interviewed by a detective until a Psychiatrist had given the OK. I have since found out that Mrs Hoskins is not medically trained and that it is a serious criminal offence to falsely claim to be medically qualified. Warwickshire police have not prosecuted her for this offence. In November 2004 Brinklow police officer Phillip Growden pleaded Guilty to misconduct at an IPCC tribunal at Warwickshire police HQ at Leek Wootton in connection with his failure to deal properly with the alleged rape of my daughter Caroline by 2 local men. Since then evidence has come to light that this officer was feeding false information to the CPS at a time when he was under investigation and was nothing to do with the police ongoing investigations at that time. In August 2007 a senior Warwickshire police officer accused the CPS of being negligent after a magistrate had told me that evidence ignored by the CPS was important enough to require the two men to stand trial for rape. This evidence is contained in a letter written by Superintendent Nigel Short in August 2005. Warwickshire Police Authority have done their level best to stop my family exposing what I believe is a major police corruption case. See attached front page story of The Birmingham post. The attached documents are a small selection of evidence I hold to substantiate my claim of serious corruption involving police officers and others in Warwickshire. I really hope you can help me bring this out in to the open. It should not be happening in a civilized country. No one should be so powerful that they can have someone locked away with out trial in order to stop the truth coming out in a court of law.
I would urge you to write to your MP about the Fixated Threat Assessment Center or even better if you know someone in the media ask them to take up our story.
David Sampson. 81 Heath Lane, Brinklow, Rugby. CV23 0NX
Email dave@davidsampson.co.uk
Mobile 07840-802302


Funnies

Subject: New terrorist group?
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.'

They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Beware of Management Consultants, Blonds, Mormons, Australians and Irishmen.

Management
For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well', he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen, instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'


Blonds
A blond was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. “I'm sorry,” St Peter said; “But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.”
“That's cool” said the blonde, “What does the Entrance Exam consist of?”
“Just three questions” said St Peter.
“Which are?” asked the blonde.
“The first,” said St Peter, “is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?” The second is “How many seconds are there in a year?” The third is “What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda? Now,” said St Peter, “Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.”
So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, “I have.”
“Well then,” said St Peter, “which two days of the week start with the letter T?”
The blonde said, “Today and Tomorrow.”
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. “Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?” St Peter went on, “how many seconds in a year?”
The Blonde replied, “Twelve!”
“Only twelve?” exclaimed St Peter, “How did you arrive at that figure?”
“Easy,” said the blonde, “there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.”
St Peter looked at the blonde and said, “I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.” And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. “I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”
The blonde replied: “Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.”
“Really!” exclaimed St Peter, “And what is the answer?”
“It's Andy.”
“Andy?”
“Yes, Andy,” said the blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked “How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?”
“Simple, ” said the blonde, “Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited ‘til his billy boiled.”
And the blonde entered Heaven...


Australian
The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bloody bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!


Mormon & Irishman
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


Republicans
I saw one young lady on television declare that she was voting Republican because that was the party that cared about ‘life’. Well that’s the funniest joke of them all.

Keep smiling, keep singing


Joe Stead