Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 44 – May 2004

I spent a week in Nerja on the Costa del Sol at the start of April. I don’t speak very much Spanish, but whilst on the Costa del Sol it doesn’t really matter very much as all the natives speak English better than we do anyway.

I actually only know three phrases in Spanish, but they are the important ones!
“Donde esta el pub?”
“Puedes hablar en ingles?”
“Estas hablands ingles ahora?”
Which in turn mean
“Where is the pub?”
“Can you speak English?”
“Are you speaking English now?”

For those wanting a cheap and relaxing holiday in Spain I would recommend Nerja and in particular I would point you in the direction of Paul Downes who has two apartments in a beautiful part of the town a mere 2 minutes from the sea. (Even less if you jump off the cliff – this is not recommended). Anybody interested in going should contact Paul Downes on ><. Americans who want to get away from their terrible government for a while (and their must be tens of thousands of you) should make for Malaga airport, probably via Madrid. Paul will tell you what to do, but you can hire a car from a company called ‘Lessagro’ and take time out to visit the local caves and Granada. Highly recommended – I’ve been four times now.

The RNLI have just issued their Top 20 musical sales, which reads as follows. It’s really nice to have my own CD in the top ten and the Kimber’s Men CD nicely placed at number 14 in the top 20. I’ve never made the charts before!
1. Christmas Festival 1
2. Songs for Seafarers
3. Christmas Festival 2
4. Will Your Anchor Hold?
5. Ashokan Farewell
6. For Those in Peril
7. The Seafarers
8. Valparaiso Round the Horn – Joe Stead
9. Under the White Ensign
10. Big Band Sound
11. They That Go Down to the Sea
12. Fisherman's Friends Home from the Sea
13. Uffa Sings
14. See you when the sun goes down - Kimber's Men
15. Plymouth Sound
16. Trafalgar
17. Ashokan Farewell
18. Salty Tales
19. A Place in the Sun
20. Big Band Sound

Meanwhile talks are now vaguely underway to take Kimber’s Men on a lightning seven day tour of South America in the autumn. If the deal comes off we will be doing concerts in Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay and Chile all in 7 days. Why do I leave it until I’m 63 to become a truly international star? When I was 33 I thought The Isle of Wight was an adventure!

OK. In the meantime here’s the present gig list to whet your appetite. If you live near any of the venues please call in and say hello. We are not too proud to talk to our friends and fans. The workshops at Bradford and Stony Stratford are open to the general public but some of the other workshops are open only to specified audiences. Please check with me by e mail before making a long journey. If I know you are coming I can probably make a special case for you.

May 1st (KM) Sweeps Festival – Rochester
May 2nd (KM) Sweeps Festival – Rochester
May 3rd (KM) Sweeps Festival – Rochester
May 12th (KM) The Cross Keys, Uppermill.
May 14th (KM) The Grove, Holbeck, Leeds
May 15th (Joe) Bradford Day/Dance – Life and Times of Paul Robeson (Lunchtime)
May 15th (KM) Stirk Bridge, Sowerby Bridge. (Evening)
Jun 2nd (Joe) Sowerby Bridge Concert Hall - Life and Times of Paul Robeson 10am!
Jun 9th (Joe) Cock Hotel, Stony Stratford - Life and Times of Paul Robeson
Jun 12th (Joe) Laycock Village Hall, Nr Keighley – Valparaiso round the Horn 2pm
Jul 10th (KM) The Norwegian Church, Cardiff.
Aug 28th (KM) Bridgenorth Folk Festival
Aug 28th (KM) Bridgenorth Folk Festival
Oct 16th (Joe) Shep Woolley’s 60th Birthday Party - Portsmouth
Oct 18th (Joe) The Three Tuns, Staines
Nov 11th (KM) Topic Folk Club, Bradford
Nov 20th (KM) The Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax
Nov 24th (Joe) Sandholme Fold Res Home, Hipperholme – Life + Times P Robeson
Dec 14th (Joe) Barwick in Elmet Probus Club- Valparaiso Round the Horn 10am!
Feb 5th (KM) The Square Chapel Halifax
Feb 10th (Joe) The Square Chapel Halifax – The life and times of Paul Robeson
Sep 2nd (KM) Hull Sea Fever Festival
Sep 3rd (KM) Hull Sea Fever Festival
Sep 4th (KM) Hull Sea Fever Festival
Nov 23rd (Joe) Whitkirk Probus Club, Leeds. (10.30am) – Valparaiso round the Horn.

Susie Stockton put me onto a web page that is really very wondrous! I suggest you all look it up. Hopefully it is still in operation.


Hi Joe
Thanks for keeping me on the list!! I am still enjoying the Kimber's Men CD. I also really like the humor at the end of the newsletter. I've forwarded them to many of my buddies (and my in-laws, who are rabid supporters of GW).
I'm really writing to express my support for your position on the Mel Gibson bloodfest served up as a pre-Easter money maker. Like you I haven't seen it, nor will I. The reviews and personal communications from people who have seen it have been enough to deter me.
Now to another matter. A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer......Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
Keep singing. Keep up the great work,
Merrill Falk,
Physics Teacher,

If they REALLY wanted to bring the Western World to its knees, they'd head for a small 'an un-named volcanic island off the coast of N W Africa' with every ounce of high explosive they could muster. They'd take it to the top and place it along the n / s fault line, then stand on the EASTERN side of it and press the plunger.
Once the western side of the island had all slid into the sea, North America would have 90 - 120 minutes before the 600 foot high tidal wave hit the continental shelf....and it wouldn't be much of a picnic on any coastline in W Europe either.
Shall we keep that one to ourselves, then?! Although half the population with an IQ over 110 will have watched it on 'Horizon' anyway!
Susie Stockton-Link

Bravo Joe!
I agree with everything you say about the new movie, they are my thoughts exactly.
These long lists always make me wonder where the facts are drawn from. I certainly know some of its true just from watching the news, but I wish there was a better way to verify them, because I would love to use this type stuff in my arguments against him with his supporters. My Mother for instance, is a Bush Supporter. Nothing I can say can convince her or my Dad that Bush is a shady character. My father grew up in the US Navy during WWII and believes the American Government is always right, honest, and he should do what ever they tell him to do. My opposition has been a thorn in his side ever since I was about 16. My Father believes to this day that I think this way because of the dirty communists who were teaching in my public school. These kind of people, I'm afraid, are just so pig headed, you can't get through to them. Fortunately they are starting to die off, but there seems to be more of them, than there are of us sometimes. I was never a big fan of Clinton, but in hindsight, he seems to have been a pretty good president. I heard something the other day, that they didn't attack where they thought Bin Ladin was one time, because they were not certain of the intelligence! Oh my! Doesn't that seem like the wise choice? Rather than just blasting away killing everybody for a city block in hopes you might get him? The Value of human life has dropped in this administration. That can't be a good thing.
Ted The Fiddler
The Colonial Theatre

I suggest that pedophilia against PP&M is rather a strong charge in this case. Information on the incident, which apparently took place 35 years ago, is extremely scarce, making me wonder if it's even factual. I don't ever recall hearing anything about it at the time, even though PP&M were high on the celebrity scale in those days. You'd think the media would have had a field day and their career would have ended then and there. Anyhow, from what little I could turn up, a Peter Yarrow was accused of an ill-advised dalliance with a 14-year old girl, and served a very brief jail sentence. I couldn't turn up any specifics, but whatever happened may have been consensual, and if she looked anything like some 14-year-olds I've seen, it might have been a difficult situation to turn away from. I don't know about you, but I still find a woman's body attractive, even if it happens to have a 14-year-old girl inside. Does (or should) a healthy male ever get over that? Most of us just have better sense than to touch one, but I can easily imagine situations where that could require considerable moral stamina. That doesn't excuse it, but I wouldn't hold it against him after all these years, and as I said, I haven't seen convincing evidence that it actually happened, or that it wasn't someone else by the same name. In any case I wouldn't advise spreading it around without more complete and convincing information.
Bert Coffman

Thanks your nice piece on Pete Bellamy, I was beginning to think I was the only one left alive who remembered that talent, also laughed my tits off about the stuff on Martin Winsor. I remember a night when I was brave (or foolish) enough to book Winsor and Murphy on the same night. At 9.30 I realised that one singer might have to accept a reduced fee. I took Murphy to one side, explained, and we agreed that I would pay Winsor his full fee. I would pay Noel at some other time, on one condition "Don't tell Winsor.” I do enjoy a good row!!
Tim Justice

I received mail from you and I wonder how you got my e-mail address. The only name I recognized on you list was Bill Zorn who played a gig in my barn with the Limeliters and also a gig I arranged with the Limeliters for the Art Council I am program director. I know the thoughts you express are similar to mine. I enjoyed your comments and those that sent comments and jokes to you.
Do you travel the States? If I know well in advance I may be able to book you.
Bob Flath

The following are apparently some answer given by school children in various tests. I don’t know how true they are – but it makes great reading.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes the water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When a farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A: The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A E IO and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp earlier this year with a picture of President GW Bush to honor his achievements while in office. However, it was found that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. A commission to determine the reason for the defect was formed.
After thorough testing, the commission published the following findings:
1. The stamp was found to be in perfect order.
2. There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People were just spitting on the wrong side.

New Words for 2004
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks

Try the following:
Below are four (4) questions.
You have to answer them INSTANTLY!
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
Let's find out just how clever you really are.

GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
> >>
> >>
> >>
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
> >>
> >>
> >>
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!
> >>
> >>
You're not very good at this are you?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
> >>
> >>
> >>
Scroll down for answer..
> >>
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
> >>
> >>
> >>
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
> >>
> >>
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

Keep smiling, keep singing

Joe Stead