Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 66 – March 2006

Those of you fortunate enough to have seen the BBC4 presentation of Folk Britannia will probably agree with me when I congratulate the BBC for a quite excellent production. It was presented in three one hourly slots, with plenty of re-runs for those like me who were sometimes stupid or careless enough to miss the original, and it took the viewer from the mid nineteen fifties through to present day. What we saw was very good. But what did we miss? Well some of the old film in the first two chapters was absolutely wonderful, and for someone like me who was visiting folk clubs in the 1950’s very romantic bringing back many wonderful nostalgic memories. I remember the Skiffle Cellar in Greek Street, and if meeting Paul Robeson personally at a garden party in Kidbrooke in 1958 did not turn me on to folk music, then Robin Hall, Jimmie McGregor, Margaret Barry, Michael Gorman and Ramblin’ Jack Elliott along with Pete and Marion Gray certainly did on those dreamy Tuesday nights; and all for half a crown. If you were not around in those halcyon days you were probably surprised by the split in the folk scene that occurred when bands went electric, a period that coincided with MacColl’s pragmatism towards the genre. But I do have reservations about some of the exposure certain performers were given in the first three BBC4 programmes and the incredible omissions of others. The first two chapters gave us glimpses of Anne Briggs, and then Anne Briggs, and then Anne Briggs yet again. Martin Carthy might have been impressed the first time he saw her as a 15 year old singer, but surely Anne Briggs had very little to do with the evolution of the British folk scene. I have to confess the one time I dashed off some 40 years ago to see her that I found her incredibly boring and her quick departure from the folk scene leads me to believe that a lot of folk club organizers thought likewise. Her comeback some twenty five years later was littered with cruel criticism too. Enough of Anne Briggs; it was not her fault that the BBC were guided to her back door; the fault lies with the consultants and researchers who took them there. I suppose lack of existing documentary film (remember Sir David Frost, when head of ITV, is responsible for the re-use of thousands of hours of film in the 1970’s when many gems were lost) could be some explanation for the absence of Alex Campbell, Steve Benbow, Stan Hugill, Alexis Korner, Cyril Tawney, Wizz Jones, Sydney Carter, Long John Baldry, Leon Rosselson, Ralph McTell, Dave and Toni Arthur, Johnny Silvo (although there was a glimpse of him with Sandy Denny in a photograph), Diz Disley, John Foreman, Don Partridge, The Dransfield’s, John Pearce, Tony Rose, Nic Jones, Vera Johnson, Pete and Chris Coe, Johnny Handle, Mike Absalom, Malcolm Price, Brenda Wootton, John the Fish, Johnny Collins, Martin Wyndham Read, The MacCalmans and many, many more who were singing then and either performed for many years up until their deaths or are still singing today. And where were the folk comedians – Jasper Carrott, Billy Connolly, Bernard Wrigley (considered traditional enough to be on Topic in the early days), Derek Brimstone, Jeremy Taylor, Jon Isherwood, Stan Arnold, Shep Woolley, Noel Murphy etc? Were they not too a part of the folk scene and responsible for the upkeep thereof. I suppose Colin Irwin the main consultant decided to not include them. (I think Irwin always did consider the comedians a bit of a misnomer and the short derisory comment of them in chapter three was both unnecessary and totally unwarranted). Well I realize of course that Alex Campbell and Co listed above couldn’t all be in the programmes – someone had to be left out; but thank you for showing us Weston Gavin – he certainly influenced the British folk scene. (Sorry sarcasm is a poor form of journalism). Other than that it was a delight in the first two chapters to see Karl Dallas who worked for a decade or two for the Melody Maker and links such as Carthy, Jansch, Harper, Martyn, all of whom spoke eloquently and mostly made sense. Joe Boyd, the entrepreneurial American, unfortunately appeared more than once and one is left to ponder if the first two programmes were actually no more than a publicity exercise for him as we went through a roster of the British artistes he managed. The inclusion of those not under his management and guidance might somewhat disprove this theory, although they mostly came in the earlier sequences before he arrived on our shores. Surely Bill Leader had more to do with the evolution of the folk scene than Joe Boyd, but of Bill there was not even a whimper. Then suddenly we had Donovan, pretending he knew nothing of Bob Dylan until he was already in the charts himself and the similarity between dress wear and song content was merely a coincidence. What was Donavan doing in the programme at all? Come on Donavan you were always a very poor excuse for a folk singer and still you hide behind pretence today, and your one song (or was it two) could never stand up against some of Dylan’s even poorest poetry. If you knew nothing of Dylan you were either stuck with your head in the sand like an ostrich, or you had your head stuck in another proverbial hole. Chapter three was excellent, but again incredible omissions. I suppose Downes, Beer, Knightly (latter two – Show of Hands) Robb Johnson have had absolutely nothing to do with the folk scene getting where it is today. Plenty of the Pogues though. Far too much in fact. If ever folk music was bastardized they were the culprits, far more so than the folk comedians and if they were so damned important then the comedians who lasted for a far longer period and still appear at folk festivals today should have had a respectful mention. And remember of those listed Connolly, Wrigley, Brimstone, Isherwood, Woolley, Murphy and others, also included traditional material within their performances and still do today; and frankly I consider the Kipper’s to be just as important in the folk tradition as the Copper’s. I never did approve of performers on stage singing from books, and if it’s classified as an artistic abnormality in their case then it’s taking it to a ridiculous level of pretentiousness. Perhaps coming from a rustic background their memories aren’t so good. So why so much of Donovan, Boyd and Briggs when there were so many others who could and should have been included? Answers on a postcard please, I don’t want too many rambling speeches!

But as February rolls slowly into March BBC4 appears to be continuing with a series of up to date concerts. The first entitled ‘Which side are you on’ was compered by Billy Bragg and featured Martin Carthy, Dick Gaughan, Andy Irvine, Robb Johnson, Callum and Neill MacColl and, amongst others who deserved to be there, suddenly we again saw Donavan who appeared to be heading the bill. What is it with the BBC that they have this incredible obsession with a singer who had very little to do with folk music and now rides on the back of Woody Guthrie? I suppose Carthy, Gaughan, Irvine, Johnson, Bragg and MacColl simply aren’t big enough names to pull in the audience! Donavan bounced his way through his songs as if he was still singing Puff the Magic Dragon. He really showed his sincerity though in ‘Hard Travelling’ when he forgot his words. Strange the word he forgot should be ‘vagrancy’. Ironic in a way, don’t you think? Anyway, who cares about the words, let’s bounce through it, nobodies going to notice! Wrong Donavan, wrong!

I have to admit I was slightly amused (but pleased at the same time especially as his son’s were featured) to find that Ewan MacColl’s determination to stop English performers singing American music, especially that of Woody Guthrie and Pete Seeger, has at last been ignored. Ewan MacColl did many fine things for folk music, his public abhorrence of English singers performing American compositions was not however one of them.

By the way for uninitiated the title ‘Which side are you on’ is the name of a song written by Florence Reece around about 1932 when gun thugs broke into her house looking for her husband who was trying to organize the coal workers. Florence wrote the original words on the back of a calendar she took off the wall after they had left. She took the tune from an old Baptist hymn tune although originally it was an old English ballad. Now can you tell me is the title synonymous with Martin Carthy? I think so. Does it fit Gaughan, Irvine, Johnson, MacColl, Billy Bragg? I think so. But does the name of Donavan spring to mind? Again; answers on a post card please!

So again full marks to the BBC for bringing folk music back onto our screens after so many years in the wilderness. But please can we have folk singers; not worn out pop stars who have done nothing in the last 40 years to help the movement? And can we have a few of the names I’ve listed above? Can we see the Brimstone’s, the Silvo’s, the Woolley’s, the Handle’s, the Coe’s, the Beer’s and the Downes’ and all the other true folk performers of this world who have kept the movement alive. Can we please remember that every fine building in this country has strong foundations and the foundations are actually more important that the penthouse suites that sit above them. And please, please, please can we not see Donavan again?

%%%%%%%%%%%

The recent exposure of British soldiers cruelly beating young Iraqi teenagers in Southern Iraq is of course offensive to all civilized readers of this column. It filled me with dread, not only for the bestiality involved, but because of the whiplash after effects this episode might bring. Again it will add fuel to the words of Abu Hamza who is calling for the destruction of all cockroach infidels. I suspect more suicide bombers are queuing up and indeed the Iraqi lads involved might have joined the ranks and become martyrs already. Tony Blair’s cries for an investigation to discover the perpetrators has a hollow ring to it when you consider it was he who is responsible for the destruction of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, and he (along with our ‘friend’ across the Atlantic) who is responsible for completely destabilizing the status quo in the middle east. It is Blair and Bush with their misleading lies about weapons of mass destruction who lead us into this mess in the first place; and whilst I am still banging on the same old drum I feel it is necessary to do so considering the foolishness of the British public. We are all guilty for allowing Blair to proceed down the path he took. Some of us who marched against the war before it started, some of us who voted for the Liberal Democrats or any other political party that opposed the war, can I suppose claim a degree of innocence; but we too are guilty of not shouting loud enough at the time. Which is why I continue to shout now. Those misguided souls who voted Blair and Bush back into power for yet another term of office need to seriously consider visiting a therapist; to either discover why they were so completely stupid or to cleanse the remorse they should so clearly be feeling. Those who hid behind the smokescreen of disposing the world of a cruel dictator should start by looking at home, realize their own leaders are also killers, own up to the fact that things are actually worse now than they were before, and admit that the dictator scam (and in America the lies about 9/11) was simply a ruse to cover the guilt factor for attacking a completely innocent country. The time to dispose of Saddam was missed some 15 years ago when he attacked Kuwait. Whilst I’m opposed to war I can understand the necessity at times; and that was the time if ever there was one to act.

And now Blair appears on television his face tired and worn with the weight of responsibility he carries. But do you know; he really is surprised at the outcome of the war! He actually expected it to be all sweetness and light after the downfall of Saddam Hussein. Strange isn’t it? Our leader so hapless and so unfortunate. How could it all go so wrong? Do you feel sorry for him?

Meanwhile it is now firmly believed in Washington that the shooting of a fellow hunter by Vice President Dick Cheney was also caused by faulty intelligence. Vice President Dick Cheney has revealed that he shot a fellow hunter while on a quail hunting trip because he believed the man was the fugitive terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri. Mr. Cheney acknowledged that the man he sprayed with pellets was not al-Zawahiri but rather Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old millionaire lawyer from Austin. "I believed I had credible intelligence that al-Zawahiri had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of spraying me with pellets," Mr. Cheney told reporters. "Only after I shot Harry in the face and he shouted 'Cheney, you bastard' did I realize that this intelligence was faulty."
Moments after Mr. Cheney's assault on Mr. Whittington, Mr. al-Zawahiri appeared in a new videotape broadcast on al-Jazeera to announce that he was uninjured in the vice president's attack because, in his words, "I was in Pakistan."
An aide to the vice president said he believed that the American people would believe Mr. Cheney's version of events, but added, "If he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it's a shame it wasn't Jack Abramoff."
At the White House, President George W. Bush defended his vice president's shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack sent "a strong message to terrorists everywhere." "The message is, if Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent American citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he'll do to you."

Elsewhere this month, aviator Steve Fossett completed his three-day journey around the globe, setting a world record for wasting both time and money.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Two very different dates for your diary if you live anywhere near West Yorkshire. On Saturday April 1st Kimber’s Men are playing the infamous Trades Club in Hebden Bridge. We start at 9pm (ish) and will probably go on until quite late. Entrance fee is £5 for members. Then on Sunday April 2nd at the same venue at lunch time I am giving my talk on ‘The life and Times of Paul Robeson’. Entrance fee is £3. The talk lasts for about 2 hours and you can learn about Robeson from his birth in 1898 until his death, whilst listening to at least 25 of his songs. The man whom the American State Department once dubbed as ‘The most dangerous man in the world’, loved everywhere but in his own country, the man who single handed started the civil rights movement but was ignored by Martin Luther King. He died almost in obscurity in 1976. Probably the finest bass voice America has ever produced, persecuted for his colour, his beliefs for peace and his somewhat misguided regard for the USSR.


Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

2006
Mar 15th (Joe) Polish Club, Bradford, Private Luncheon – Life/times of Paul Robeson
Mar 20th (KM) Bacup Folk Club, Conservative Club, Bacup.
Mar 23rd (Joe) Spen Valley 41 Club, Liversedge. - Valparaiso
Mar 31st (KM) The Irish Club, Huddersfield.
Apr 1st (KM) The Trades Club, Hebden Bridge.
Apr 2nd (Joe) The Trades Club, Hebden Bridge. (1.30pm – Life, times of Paul Robeson)
Apr 3rd (Joe) Menston Women Institute 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Apr 29th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
Apr 30th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
May 1st (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
Jun 7th (Joe) Baptist Church, Oakes, Huddersfield 1.30pm - Valparaiso
Jun 7th (Joe) The Cross Keys Folk Club, Uppermill.
Jun 8th (Joe) Luddendenfoot Women’s Institute 8pm Life/times of Paul Robeson
July 1st (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
July 2nd (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
July 5th (Joe) Sowerby Bridge Probus Club 10am – Valparaiso round the Horn
Aug 25th (Joe) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 26th (Joe) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 27th (Joe) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Sep 26th (Joe) Bilton Men’s Forum. 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Sep 27th (KM) The Cross Keys Folk Club, Uppermill.
Sep 28th (Joe) Cleckheaton Probus Club – Valparaiso round the Horn
Sep 30th (KM) Halifax Traditions Festival
Oct 3rd (Joe) Hove Edge 65 Club. 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Oct 4th (Joe) Garforth Probus Club 10am – Valparaiso round the Horn
Oct 6th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 7th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 8th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 20th (KM) Minstead Village Hall, New Forest, Hampshire.
Dec 2nd (KM) The Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax.
Dec 14th (Joe) St Paul’s Church, Harrogate Men’s Forum. - Valparaiso
2007
12th Aug (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional
13th Aug (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional


Letters

Greetings Joe,
I've been delighted to read your Ramblings as I've received them at Mystic Seaport, but want to ask if you could send them to this address instead. I'm only at the Seaport one day a week when I'm in town, which is less and less as I get out on the road doing my own music. I turned the administration of music programs there over to Craig Edwards five years ago, and have been pursuing my solo career with some fair success since. In fact, I'd like to send you my latest CD, if you'll supply me with an address.
That recording was done at my local UU church, which leads me to report some fairly recent ramblings with Pete Seeger. I was approached by organizers of the annual UU General Assembly to see if I could get Pete to do a concert. After some discussion, particularly about not wanting to sing alone, he agreed and I put together a gathering of Kim & Reggie Harris, Pat Humphries & Sandy O, myself and a quartet from NYC made up of two UU women ministers (Hope and Janice Johnson) with a bass/baritone and piano. We then got Pete and Toshi down to Fort Worth, TX for June 23 and 24. Pete and I participated in the Opening Celebration on the evening of the 23rd, and we had a glorious hour and a quarter concert the next morning with the assembled performers. It really was a grand event, and what a privilege! Pete was in great form. In any case, I thought you'd like to hear about this adventure, knowing your own connections to Pete.
Are you headed over here at any point? I'd love to have the chance to sit down and talk over the state of the world.
In peace and harmony,
Geoff Kaufmann (Mystic Seaport Museum)
Connecticut. USA.

Joe
From a sleep apnoeac, par excellence!
Thanks as ever, Joe for your latest edition of RoaOC. There is solid mental food within.
Nice to know I can quote YOUR name along with Billy Connolly's. Up until now, when I've shown folk the CPAP machine that I have been using nightly since 1997, I have always said that this is the same machine that BC uses. Now I can add your name.
Kindest,
Dai Woosnam

Joe
I woke up to find Rambles volume 65 waiting to be read. All this after five weeks in Hospital waiting for Dr's to decide whether I was going to be a one legged person, or to continue with two legs for now.
Both legs are intact even though owner is totally insane.
I spent about 10 minutes browsing the web for Joe Stead, I was shocked to discover that he has found out how to trim a beard, 30 years ago at Bath folk Club (The Ring o'Bells) Joe had never heard of such nonsense as scissors. I then looked up another name from the past "Noel Murphy", again some one had found out about scissors, as for Christie Moore I had totally forgotten the bearded version.
Is there a "I Collect Grey Hair" club about if so what is the website? So pissing my self in laughter I went to the toilet, and caught a glimpse of my self in the mirror. What happened to us all.
What laffs on a Saturday morning before the pub opens.
Must go now. Psychiatric nurse is due with the tablets
PS Glad to hear that your son is home!!
From all of us Coffin Dodgers good luck and keep up with ramblings
Tim Justice

Hi,
Please forgive the blind email but Ian Southworth suggested you may be able to offer some advice.
I live in Colden (above Hebden Bridge) and whilst I have a 6 string Tanglewood acoustic guitar, I have no idea how to play it! I came across Ian on the Woven Wheat Whispers forums as we share a passion for folk.
I posted on that forum that I was searching for a tutor who may be able to show me the basics of folk guitar (just enough for simple pleasure) and someone who would be patient - I'm not a quick learner but I am eager to learn.
Ian suggested you may know someone in the area who may be able to offer Folk Guitar lessons. I'm currently at home suffering from a broken back so have limited ability to go out. However, I am mobile enough to take tuition at home which is ideally what I'm looking for at the moment.
Thanks again and best wished on your musical journey.
Regards
Simon Smith
[mailto:simonjohnsmith@btinternet.com

Funnies

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting......... Well, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in the High Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi bastard. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care too much. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


A woman called a local hospital . . . . “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”
The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”
”Sarah Finkel, room 302.”
”I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . . “
”3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?”
”I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”
”Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”
The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic . . . that’s wonderful news!”
The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”
”Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++


Golden Phone
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest, who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando, and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to England to see if English had the same phone. He arrived in England, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "20p per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in England now, son - it's a local call".


**********************


I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.
A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"
I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied "Yeah, not too bad thanks."
After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to mate?"
Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"
I then heard the voice for the third time ..... "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dick head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."


“”””””””””””””””””””””””””


Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
>>------------------
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command:C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,Tech Support
------------------
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Scam at Tesco’s
I don't how if you shop at Tesco’s, but this may be useful to know.
I want to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Tesco’s and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking girls probably in their twenties come over to your car as you are packing your purchase in the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to Sowerby Bridge. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start kissing each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts kissing you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday and also yesterday.

Keep smiling, keep singing.


Joe Stead