Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 70 – July 2006


I like it when I get a lot of letters and June brought a bundle. It appears that immigration is a subject that a lot of us have been thinking about recently and there are many different view points. One thing in my mind (which is a certainty as far as I’m concerned) is that it has got to be stopped – and preferably today rather than tomorrow. We are running out of houses, we are running out of land, we are running out of water, we are running out of gas, petrol prices have reached an all time high and will only get higher. Coal is long gone. We are running out of room. We are running out of resources. Any fool can see this, you don’t need to have a degree or go to college. It is plain obvious.

Yet in Kent alone (where there is already a water shortage) they are planning, I heard recently, to build another one million houses and likewise in Essex. This means there will be another three million people living in Kent when the houses are completed and within 10 years another 3 million living in Essex. More water, gas, electricity and petrol to be consumed. Where is it all going to come from? Think about the sewage. Where will the people come from? Here in Sowerby Bridge houses and apartments are being built on every possible land site. When I moved here 20 years ago I lived in the country. Now I live in a suburban sprawl. Just outside York they are building 1,000 houses on a flood plain which is a site of historical interest. Where is the common sense in that? Houses, houses, houses; everywhere you look new houses.

Thanks to modern science we are all living longer and more children grow to be adults so in Kent and Essex a lot of the people will simply move within the county whilst other houses will be taken up by people from elsewhere. They in turn will leave empty houses behind them and whether you like it or not a percentage of these houses will be taken over by immigrants – whether they are legal or not is beside the point. This country has reached a maximum of mouths to feed and bottoms to empty. For every two new immigrants accepted into this country today there will be at least ten descendents in fifty years time. This figure reaches fifty in a hundred years time. Where are my descendents going to live? Sod the boat people of Africa? Well I’m not happy if they are starving and we should do all we can to help the underprivileged of the world but I have a duty first to my family and secondly to my country; and yes this includes people of all colours; I’m not talking white here, I’m talking British.

At some point a line has got to be drawn and I firmly believe we have reached that point. The BNP have the same views you tell me? Well the BNP flies the National Flag but it doesn’t mean that I have any racist leanings because certain areas of their policies are correct. People who are not BNP haven’t suddenly started burning the National Flag; so it doesn’t mean I’m a racist because I believe some of their policies are correct. If the BNP or LePenn in France say something you agree with it does not mean you have to disagree with it on principle because it’s been said by someone whose policies you normally detest. I don’t consider anyone whatever colour or creed or wherever they may live should deserve inferior treatment. But I do believe it is important to assist those in their own country, whatever their colour or creed, to stay and prosper in their own country. I don’t think it is sensible to throw open our borders to all and sundry any more because the damage it will do this country in fifty years time is immense. Heaven knows the legal population will increase anyway without the added numbers entering illegally. Those who are presently here and applying for citizenship should be given a sympathetic ear and allowed to stay. But the government should make a cast iron policy that will stop future immigrants leaving their own homeland simply because the grass is greener on this side of the English Channel.

My step daughter Angela, who has a degree in about absolutely everything except farting, fought tooth and nail for 10 years to become a legal citizen of Australia. She obviously has a degree in common sense too; she knows where she is better off! But in this country we seem to throw our doors open to all and sundry. New immigrants quickly become educated in common law. If there is a legal loophole, if they are entitled by law to any grants, pensions or benefits they make sure they get them. And if its legal I have no arguments, but I find it difficult to understand why someone who has lived in this country for a couple of months gets the same benefits and sometimes better benefits as someone who has lived here 65 years and has paid considerable dues into the system. And I’m also concerned that the departments dealing with these applicants tend to be more lenient in case they are accused of racism. I’m sure somebody reading this will know the answer, so I’m looking forward to your reply. I’m also concerned that a considerable number of illegal immigrants have become legal by obtaining a National Insurance Number due to mistakes made by civil servants at the Home Office. Apparently that loophole has been in existence for over 100 years, so it’s definitely a relief to know that the Tory’s are just as guilty as the present incumbents of Downing Street. Hooray – it makes me feel a lot happier.

Our future is already bleak insofar as global warming is a certainty. It is already happening and we ain’t going to stop it. Larger hurricanes in America, larger famines in Africa, larger families worldwide. Our wild life is disappearing. Our seas are emptying. Nature has a way of balancing itself and whether the increase in earthquakes is but a whim or a coincidence there is no doubting that a world calamity is on its way and there is not an awful lot we can do about it. But I would like to see my children and their children brought up in a country with some sort of a living standard. It is my duty as a parent and a grandparent. In 25 years time I will be dead, I will have lived in one of the easiest and most luxurious periods of history in Britain. I leave behind me desolation and destruction. I am totally ashamed of government’s world wide and so should you be. But I suppose we can always attack Iran or North Korea next, that will certainly reduce the world population. Why, some of our own boys can die too just like they have in Iraq.

In October 1998 I wrote a song, I was just about to depart for an American tour, and I was fortunate enough to be able to record this song on a CD at a concert I gave in Connecticut that same month. News reached us that in late September of 1998 the Blue Mountain Volcano was erupting on the Galapagos Islands. It was the first time it had erupted in hundreds of years. Rare specimen of tortoises were in danger of becoming extinct. The TV pictures showed these huge monsters crawling around inches from red hot lava. It’s probably not the best song I’ve ever written and of course it’s not technically correct in places because its widely believed to be true that underground nuclear tests have nothing to do with earthquakes However as nobody else sings my songs I can probably safely demise that not many of my songs are actually very good.

So here’s a bit of rubbish called ‘Tortoises are running.’ The first verse is the chorus and is repeated especially when there is a singing audience at hand.


The tortoises are running from the Blue Mountain volcano
Dashing through the ashes with their tails up in the air
They're snapping and they’re cursing, for there may be no tomorrow
As the rumblings far beneath them fill their hearts with deep despair.

And is it any wonder for we tested nuclear weapons
Deep inside the planet where the molten masses lay
Sending shock waves outwards, like ripples on the water
When will we understand that we’ll regret these foolish days

On TV I’ve been watching the hurricanes a crashing
Forcing folk to flee their homes on highways filled with cars
Yet mankind pushes onwards, down corridors of attrition
While the breeze is filled with sorrow from a plethora of wars

Chorus

In the papers I’ve been reading that in Africa they’re starving
As plague and famine brings another nation to its knees
Yet in Brazil and Argentina, aye and somewhere in the Rockies
We’re hacking down our life line, oh we’re hacking down our trees

So is it any wonder that the seas are so polluted
Our atmosphere is fading in a carbon mono haze
And is it any wonder that the planet is a grumbling
When we disrespect her kindness in so many many ways.

Chorus
(c) Joe Stead - October 1998 – Fore Lane Music

Pete Seeger wrote a great song in the 1970’s. Of course Pete has always been a prophet; he’s warned the world of danger in song countless times. I believe he wrote the following song on a boat late at night whilst sailing around alone on the Hudson River – which is apparently something he did quite frequently in the 1970’s as a form of relaxation and to clear the mind. It’s not one of his better known songs, but is nonetheless a song I’ve sung in concert many times. It’s a damn good song too. It’s called Darkest before the dawn. Pity I’ve never recorded it.

They say it’s darkest before the dawn
This thought keeps me moving on
If we can heed these early warnings
Then time is still quite early morning
If we can heed these early warnings
Then time is still quite early morning

Some say that mankind won’t long endure
What makes them feel so God’am sure
I know that you who hear my singing
Will keep those freedom bells a ringing
I know that you who hear my singing
Will keep those freedom bells a ringing

And so we keep on whilst we live
Until we have no more to give
And when these fingers can strum no longer
Hand the old guitar to young ones stronger
And when these fingers can strum no longer
Hand the old guitar to young ones stronger

Don’t you know it’s darkest before the dawn
This thought keeps me moving on
If through this world of pain and sorrow
We still can have singing tomorrow
If through this world of pain and sorrow
We still can have singing tomorrow

Repeat first verse (get the audience to sing the repeat lines).

The letter section, brought about by the Australian debate that I raised in the least issue, has many and various view points. With the Australian debate, as with the situation in America, or with missionaries in Africa, I would agree it is totally wrong to invade another country (be it peaceably or in war) and then inflict or empower that country with your ideals. I accept that. (Obviously most Americans and Britain’s don’t agree with this, if we did we would not be in Iraq today). But white Australians have been living in Australia for 200 years; and as with America there has to come time when the 'invaders' also become the owners. And how much longer would it have taken for our civilization in Britain to improve had we not been invaded by the Romans, followed by the Normans etc. However at some point in time, you have to say "OK we've moved on. Let’s stop invading other countries, let’s help them instead.” But to suddenly cancel Christmas lights because they might upset Muslims and to allow women of the Muslim belief to have half their faces hidden on driving licenses, which is what I am led to believe has happened in Australia in the last six months, is absurd.

Most reading this will probably be too young to remember, but in the nineteen sixties the government passed a law that all motor cyclists had to wear a crash helmet. "Oh" said the Sikhs "what about us? We have to wear turbans, we can't put a crash helmet on over a turban". So the law was amended that everyone but Sikhs had to wear crash helmets. I wonder what happened to that law? (The answer I think is nothing - most Sikhs probably realised it was sensible to adapt to our laws - but then Sikhs appear to be more adaptable people anyway)


Finally the following web address came from a good friend of ours and is one of those rare positive, affirmative items that circulate on the Internet from time to time. It has an important spiritual message but avoids any religious or political connection. As someone who has an aging mother of 89, for whom I care for as much as I can, this little piece of film carried an extra message. Are you really caring for her enough? I believe many will want to forward it on to others, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you receive it from more than one source. If you have an aged parent you really should have a look at it.
Enjoy…

http://www.parentswish.com

Make sure your sound is on…

Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

2006
July 1st (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
July 2nd (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
July 3rd (Joe) Bacup Folk Club at The Conservative Club, middle of town
July 5th (Joe) Sowerby Bridge Probus Club 10am – Valparaiso round the Horn
July 22nd (KM) Scarborough Sea Fest
July 23rd (KM) Scarborough Sea Fest
July 30th (KM) The Puzzle Hall Inn, Sowerby Bridge. 4pm – Free (hat collection).
Aug 25th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 26th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 27th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Sep 3rd (KM) Ulley Sailing Club, Near Rotherham 6pm (Private Dinner)
Sep 26th (Joe) Bilton Men’s Forum. 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Sep 27th (KM) The Cross Keys Folk Club, Uppermill.
Sep 28th (Joe) Cleckheaton Probus Club – Valparaiso round the Horn
Sep 30th (KM) Halifax Traditions Festival
Oct 3rd (Joe) Hove Edge 65 Club. 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Oct 4th (Joe) Garforth Probus Club 10am – Valparaiso round the Horn
Oct 6th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 7th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 8th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 13th (KM) Minstead Village Hall, New Forest, Hampshire.
Oct 14th (KM) Harwich Shanty Festival
Oct 15th (KM) Harwich Shanty Festival
Dec 2nd (KM) The Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax.
Dec 14th (Joe) St Paul’s Church, Harrogate Men’s Forum. – Valparaiso
2007
May 5th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester. – Provisional
May 6th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester. – Provisional
May 7th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester. – Provisional
May 11th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
May 12th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
Aug 12th (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional
Aug 13th (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional


Letters

Dear Joe,
I love your newsletter and probably still will when the bombastic rant of that Nationalist Australian has cleared from my mind.
But how can you agree with such a load of bullshit Joe. That piece was rampant nationalism and class based propaganda. Like all rubbish of similar tone, it was written as if all Australians were equal and as if they all had the same legal rights, the same culture and the same freedoms.
The ‘Australians’ are an immigrant mongrel people, just like the North Americans, who trampled on the rights, liberties and natural communities of the indigenous coloured peoples of the continent. White, mainly criminal forced migrants from Britain and then all over Europe, wiped out the language the culture of these indigenous people, stealing their religious lands and driving them into shanty towns and poverty.
How short the memory of colonists, usurpers and oppressors. And what was that about (white) Australian culture, what’s that, do they mean .... Ned Kelly. I mean, it’s not really possible is it Australian culture ... perhaps they mean Fosters.
What a shame it is that indigenous peoples, in North America, Canada, Ireland, Australia, Africa, Asia, Latin America, were never militarily strong enough to expel the herds of white colonists that conquered two thirds of the world throughout the seventeenth, eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, had they been, perhaps the world would not have had the problems we now have.
And remember Joe, its not easy to separate nationalist imperial adventures abroad from racism at home. Hard to argue against New Labour’s war against the people of Iraq while agreeing that immigrants to Britain should be stripped of their culture before being accepted.
Regards,
Martin J. Walker

Hello Joe,
Glad you had a good ‘Sweeps’ and I think the new Kimber’s Men CD is just luverly!
I get your ramblings message too, but I like you am a simple man. I have served my country, been to a war, brought up a family and never ever been on the receiving end of any state support or benefit. I have paid my taxes and saved via insurance and pension schemes for my old age. I receive a pension of roughly £100 per week from the navy and in 3 years time I shall receive the results of two other private pension funds – added together I thought that these would keep me in reasonable style – and if I did a couple of gigs ( maybe ‘dribblin’ workshops as I get older) they would top up my funds and life would be good – but I am informed by a financial adviser – that I should be careful because if I earn too much – I shall pay tax on my private and naval pensions – because they are classed as income – irrespective of the fact that its my money that I have saved & its my time I spent in the service of my country – bloody unfair.
On the immigration front – all that you say makes sense – but I doubt anything will be done about it.
I see today that the European courts have agreed that it is wrong for the USA to demand Airlines to pass on to them personal details of all passengers – not just passport – but family history /credit card details – all in the name of freedom and to keep the US free of terrorists – up until now if an Airline did not agree to carry out this dreadful intrusion in to peoples personal lives – the airline company could be refused permission to land their planes – when asked on the radio today a spokesman for the US state department – defended the process by quoting some gobbledy gook about terrorists and credit cards – which made no sense.
BUT BUT a friend of mine was recently hauled over the coals in New York JFK – because his name and initials coincided with some one who was a suspect – he was interrogated for over an hour and was bloody scared – he’d been to war too and fought for his country !
What a scary foolish place the US is
Shep Woolley


Hi there Joe –
In your latest Ramblings, I was surprised to see you agreeing with one of the oft-expounded arguments of my adopted country’s very own Jean-Marie LePen, he also being of the ‘love it or leave it’ school, an arch fascist to boot and one of the main reasons for me taking up French nationality (no, not dual) in order to fight his potential hegemony via the polling booth.
The Neanderthal Australian writer of the piece you mentioned must surely have forgotten a few basic facts concerning his (sic) own dear homeland and using his argument one wonders why he and his fellow immigrants aren’t all still living naked in the bush, hunting kangaroos and stuffing witchety grubs. Oh, silly me, that all went out of fashion when the indigenous population was systematically annihilated by the invader, er, sorry, ‘discover’. What tolerance they showed for the native customs.
The childish argument of the newspaper’s contributor (surely not part of that nice Mr. Murdoch’s media realm?) can only ever be found on the lips of those – as happens too often over here - smugly complacent in their own misplaced confidence and has no moral, historical or demographic justification whatsoever.
Must dash, just off for a couscous.
Amitiés nonetheless!
Tim Broadbent.


Joe
As always I enjoyed your ranting and raving, I’m sort of with you on the illegal immigrants bit. I taught at a local college where they invested £40,000 on a security badge system, every one that enters the college needs a security pass with photo. As a lecturer I get at least 10 disciplinary letters if I turn up without mine. They are “relaxing” the rules for our Islamic friends. I have no problem with inter-racial toleration, none at all. But if I move to Saudi I don’t expect a bar on every corner. If Moslems come to Britain, they must expect to change a little of their ways.
Keep ranting and raving.
Tim Justice.


Joe
I take it the Australian was an aborigine? As for the idea that the offspring of convicts had some choice, it beggars belief. Christian orward d on and ethnic/cultural cleansing is symptomatic of the system practiced throughout the world in the name of empire.
Yes, if you want to apply to live in another country, it is axiomatic that you should learn a little of the culture, not to emotion their language, since it’s useful to speak to the neighbours and fellow workers, as for learning the language of the boss/exploiter, it’s central if you want to survive.
No, it’s not axiomatic to conform, just as the colonial oppressor around the world doesn’t conform to local custom and practice, setting up colonial bases [green zones] to keep from being contaminated. In an ideal world we would all live in harmony, speak everybody else’s language, etc. The trouble is, we don’t, never have, and never will.
Given the confluence of cultures that comprise this nation ever since the Celts arrived to take over/merge with the local stone age populace, it would take a brave person to explain when they became definably English, since it was largely the ruling class of the latter who forced the former into the West, before expelling them altogether with policies like the highland clearances, along with troublesome trade unionists and others of the awkward squad who objected to the culture of cruelty imposed by orward d capitalism.
As for suggesting that all illegal immigrants ‹ people usually in plight looking for a legal life ‹ are criminals, it illustrates the same small mindedness that is exhibited by all those who think they can survive as isolationists, untouched by other cultures, they live behind a wall of self-imposed prejudice, often signified by pretty white picket fences.
Jeff Sawtell


Hi Joe,
Brave of you to grab the bull by the horns, and to risk the wrath of the politically correct morons.
You have given voice to what many of us think and believe. It is a hard thing to do, to stand up for nation and culture, without sounding bigoted or racist, and I think you managed it!
Common sense is a rare thing amongst those who would lead us, and these folk are not risk takers at all, which is why they are scared to voice such sense as you have.
Well done, God bless England and all who sail in her!
Dave Forshaw


Joe
Did I miss something? Historically the native culture of Australia is English???!!! People who are being so-called P.C. are just a little over-welcoming to people who deserve respect culturally. They just need to get their focus right. If the culture you believe in is so strong and valid, it will not be hurt by the welcoming of others. Just make sure you live it and protect it and do not worry about others so much or else anger will become an endemic part of your culture and you will merely become like the B.N.P. which you could be in danger of endorsing even though you oppose them. There are things in those articles that are B.N.P. language. Continue to practice and live your English culture – that is the best way to promote things – positively.
Elliot Smaje


Joe
I enjoy your ramblings very much and find myself politically and socially in tune with much of what you say. Having just re-read your opening article of vol 69 however I must comment.
While I fully agree with the old "When in Rome" maxim and no one should enter another's country with the intention of altering it to suit themselves, your Australian correspondent needs to be reminded that that is exactly what his forefathers did. They were the immigrants. His letter is full of jingoistic flaws. At first I thought it was a joke. It isn't is it? To claim that Australia as we know it today was built on Christian principles by Christian men and women is bizarre to say the least. Australia the Nation was founded like all other colonies on the subjugation of the indigenous peoples and the rape of their culture and religion. That is what we, the so called civilized people have done and continue to do throughout the world. America north and south, Australia, Africa we sent in our missionaries to save their souls, our developers to plunder their land and our soldiers to keep them in check. If they wanted to survive they had to adapt to our new ways.
Closer to home and more up to date, thousands upon thousands of Brits are living in France and Spain, having taken their culture with them and not even bothering to learn the language AND THEY BITCH ABOUT THE LOCALS. So it works both ways----we don't like it done to us we should not do it/ should not have done it to others and that applies to your antipodean adoptee.
The Australian aboriginals had the oldest unbroken culture in the history of mankind until we white Christians sent our failures into penal servitude--seven years for stealing a loaf of bread.
There are valid points in each side of every argument, but things need to be put into context.
Ultimately, I suppose, if we don't blow ourselves to pieces in the meantime, we'll all end up the same colour with the same language and the same culture and a central government probably in the USA but I hope not.
You know what happens if you take all those unfinished tins of paint from your shed and mix them all together, it always ends up Grey.
Salut mon vieux.
Rob McGhee. (Guernsey).


Hi Joe:
Interesting to see the latest permutation of the barometer story. This has become an urban legend, but it started out as a real event. Not quite as described though; the professor, whose name was Alexander Calandra, of Washington University in St. Louis, was doing an exercise with his introductory physics class on what’s now called “lateral thinking” or “thinking outside the box” – creative problem-solving, in other words. He posed the barometer question, collected the replies, and published the best ones in a letter to Martin Gardner’s “Mathematical Games” column in the magazine Scientific American. The story sprouted wings and has been circulating ever since.
He did another exercise, before my time, where he tested students’ faith in the law of conservation of energy. He made a large pendulum, dangling down several stories of a staircase in the old physics building; a student would sit to the side of the stairwell, and Dr. Calandra would pull the pendulum bob so that it touched the student’s nose, then release it. It would, of course, swing away from the student, then back, approaching the student’s nose again. If the student really believed in the conservation of energy, s/he would not flinch or dodge when the pendulum swung back. Very few failed to flinch.
Dr. Calandra was a remarkable man; I was his teaching assistant for two wonderful years, and he profoundly influenced the way I teach now.
Peace,
Paul Stamler

Joe,
Thanks for your last letter – well worth reading, as always.
You will be amused to hear that, as a Scout Leader, one of the tests we give Scouts, when we’re out in the countryside, is to ask them how many ways they can think of, to measure a church tower with a barometer!
Over the years the Scouts have come up with all your answers. One variation on the proportional triangles theme being to squint up from the ground and get the top of the barometer and the top of the tower in line.
But one of the best occasions was when our youngest Scout at the time came up with the last solution quite off the cuff and independently! (Substitute vicar for janitor)
Best wishes,
Paul Barnetson

Dear Joe
I’m forming a society for perpetuating urban myths but received your newsletter and saw that you’d beaten me to the draw.
Exploding cacti indeed!
I’m just off to listen to Bob Holness’s superb sax solo on ‘Baker Street’!
Australian driving licenses for Muslim women!
Anna ford has just retired – I remember her on the eight o’clock news referring to a character in the ‘Archers’ as a ‘nasty little shit’. (actually true).
Who can forget Angela Rippon stating that she felt that she could trust a man who wore his underpants outside his shirt? (actually true) Come on Angie!
She also explained the meaning of the word ‘funk’ as the recognizable smell upon entering a room in which a couple had just recently had sexual intercourse (true again).
I also remember some twenty years ago or more Henry Kelly on LBC Radio interviewing some bishop or curate regarding the loose cannon the Archbishop of York who was doubting the existence of God. The cleric stated ‘you have to remember that every organisation has a nigger in its woodpile’ – there was then a long silence.
Luv Terry Grant
PHD Twaddle Institute

Hello Joe,
It’ll be very interesting to see the response to your Ramblings re immigrants. I have to say I agree with all of the Australian article and absolutely all your comments on it. Nothing to add so I won’t!
While you’re trying to sort out the caged bird thing maybe you could sort out the dogs on chains all their lives and on peoples roofs. I suppose mainland Spain is similar in this part of its culture to the Canary Islands.
Love to all,
Rhonda Tauman (Teneriffe)


Jeo
fi I I raed I, I I a sgtrane orw too. I I raed I? Olny 55 plepoe can.
I cdnuolt blveiee I I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd I I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the orwa orw, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in I oerdr the ltteres in a I are, the orw iproamtnt orwa is I the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae The rset can be a taotl mses and you can I raed it whotuit a pboerlm.
I is bcuseae the orwa orw deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the I as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed I orward it.*
Theresa Grene.


Funnies


It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
”What’s up?” he asks.
”Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re rubbish and we can’t be bothered”.
Ronaldinho looks at them and says “Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub.”
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they
get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 – England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)”.
He is beating England all by himself! Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on”.
They put the teletext on.
”Result from the Stadium “Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) – England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)”.
They can’t believe it; he has single handedly got a draw
against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”
”Don’t be daft! You got a draw against England, all by yourself.
And they only scored at the very, very end!”
”No, No, I have! I’ve let you down...........I got sent off after 12 minutes”

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Congress
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of August 1, 2006.
The move is being made to save the President’s $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 trillion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
”We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant,” stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. “We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay,” Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.
Gurvinder Singh of IndusTeleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of August 1, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. “Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer Call Center,” stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. “I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President.”
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either.
Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. “We know these scripting tools work,” stated the spokesperson. “President Bush has used them successfully for years.”
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower Inc. To help him write a resume and prepare for his up coming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush’s extensive experience shaking hands and goofy smile

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


Scoucres
This next piece is highly ‘Townist’ or ‘Regionist’ but it is funny nonetheless. For Scoucer please substitute Londoner, Cornishman, Philadelphian whatever. Scoucers are actually incredibly witty, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this actually came from one

How to tell if you are a scouser:
1. YOU LET YOUR 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER SMOKE AT THE DINNER TABLE IN FRONT OF HER KIDS.
2. YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES AND STILL HAVE THE SAME IN-LAWS.
3. YOU THINK A WOMAN'S "OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE" BECAUSE SHE ASKS FOR A GLASS WITH HER STRONGBOW CIDER.
4. THE PHRASE "THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!" REMINDS YOU THE OFF-LICENCE HAS JUST OPENED.
5. YOU WISH YOUR TOILET WAS AS CLEAN AS THE ONE IN THE BUS STATION
6. YOU THINK DOM PERIGNON IS A MAFIA LEADER.
7. YOUR WIFE'S HAIRDO WAS RUINED BY A CEILING FAN.
8. ONE (OR MORE) OF YOUR KIDS WAS CONCEIVED ON A PUB POOL TABLE.
9 .YOU THINK "LOADING THE DISHWASHER" MEANS GETTING YOUR MISSUS PI$$ED. AND FINALLY.....
10. THE SOUNDTRACK ON YOUR WEDDING VIDEO ENDS WITH THE LOUDHAILER MESSAGE: "THIS IS THE POLICE


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The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, ey Koala! What are you doing?”
The koala says: Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. T the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: What’s the matter with you?”
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, “Hey you!”
So the koala looks down at him and says:
”Faaaaarrrrk n hell mate…....how much water did you drink?!!”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.
The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.”
The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. “You are truly a wise rabbi,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?”
The rabbi answered sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”

&&&&&&&&&&

Public Health Warning!

I’m going to end this rather long Ramblings edition with a Resume of Vicky Pollard.

Many Americans will never have seen the television programme ‘Little Britain’ and many British people will avoid it because of the content.

So, if you are easily offended. Please stop reading now!

And to those who are signing off here; I send my usual good wishes.

Keep smiling, keep singing.


Resumé
OF
Vicky Pollard

ADDRESS: Dur – I live with my mum – init!
TELEPHONE: Yeah right, I aint givin' you my number!
EMAIL: yeh_but_no_but_yeh_but@hotmail.com


ACADEMIC QUALIFICATIONS

Yeah but, no but, yeah but, what it was right, I sat next to Kelly Smith and she totally copied off me cos I told everyone about her wanking off Kevin Smythe outside McDonalds but Mrs Dodson like TOTALLY busted ME for it and said I was cheating and OH MY GOD I so cant believe she did that cos anyway everyone knows she’s a lezzer.

EXPERIENCE

1996 Pregnant
1997 Pregnant again
1998 Pregnant again
1999 Pregnant again

2000 South London young offenders institute

Yeh but, no but, yeh but, no but, what it was right, I never done nothin’ right but Sharon Gordon said I stole that money from Mr Jackson wallet but I never did it right and anyway it was only 20 quid so she’s a slag and she just hates me cos I told everyone about that time when she shat herself on the bus on that school trip to Blackpool

2001 McDonalds

Responsibilities
? Serving Burgers and fries and that
Achievements
? Ate 12 Big Macs a day

I never spat in them burgers - they was well out of order for firing me that is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

2002 Pregnant again
2003 Burger King

Responsibilities
? Serving Burgers and fries and that
Achievements
? Ate 13 Whoppers a day - Stop giving me evils!
? I never put tampons in the burgers - they was well out of order for firing me

2004 South London young offenders institute again

What it was right, I never done nothin’ right but Pauline Jackson said I put tampons in the burgers but I never did and anyway it was only that one time and Kevin Hops TOTALLY deserved it right cos he told everyone that I got fingered by Wayne Daniels outside Wimpy but anyway he didn’t even finger me he stuck it up my arse hole and he’s just jealous cos everyone knows he’s a puff

2005 On Welfare

2006 South London young offenders institute again

Yeh but, no but, what it was right, I never done nothin’ right but Tara Watson said I nicked her stereo right but I never nicked nuthin right and anyway it was only some shitty AKAI so she’s a slag and she just hates me cos she’s a lezzer and I told everyone about that time when she got fishy fingered by Kelly Smith behind the Little Chef in Brixton and anyway don't listen to her coz everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.

 

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Well, I did warn you.

Keep smiling, keep singing.

Joe Stead