Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 135 – December 2011

Another day another dollar. Another year another euro. Generally not the best of years 2011, but I guess we had worse in the 1930’s and 40’s; and the 50’s weren’t too good either. Whatever, the year has flown by and they seem to roll by faster the older you get. I have a theory for this which nobody has been able to disprove. When you are seven your lifetime has been seven years and as a consequence the years seem longer than they do when you reach seventy. Time actually moves at the same speed for all of us, it just seems longer when you are younger.

Did you know, as the year draws to close, that the BBC aim to axe a considerable number of regional radio programmes, especially those after 6pm? This could see the closure of our only real folk outlets on BBC radio. There is of course the Mike Harding show, but this appears to be for artistes of the upper echelon only. I don’t think Kimber’s Men have ever been mentioned on it; our music is a mystery to national radio land. Although we have been played more than once on late night shows and we have a future gigging list as long as your arm. This will apply wherever you live, in Devon, Yorkshire, Northumberland, Somerset, Essex, it matters not. You can do something about it, but it must be done by the end of December. You can write to the following addresses>
trust.enquiries@bbc.co.uk
helen.thomas-rhu@bbc.co.uk
david.holdsworth@bbc.co.uk
This is the letter I’ve sent to all three addresses………….
Dear David Holdsworth
In view of cuts to be made by the BBC to provincial evening radio programmes I would respectfully request that due consideration be given to keeping the Daubervilles Folk & Roots Show - BBC Radio in Leeds. It provides great entertainment along with keeping the grass roots of folk music alive in West Yorkshire and beyond. The BBC has a responsibility to keep all folk customs alive in this country and the Daubervilles Folk & Roots Show has highlighted mummers plays, rushbearing festivals and popularised art centres and village halls throughout the region. The folk clubs need the show to advertise forthcoming guests. It will be a travesty if the programme shuts down.
Yours sincerely
Joe Stead
Kimber’s Men.

Please do something now.

I sort of joined Facebook this year. Still not sure about it. Apart from not being able to find my own page (I keep on ending up with a playwrite in Chicago) I’m disturbed by the number of total strangers from outrageous places like Texas wanting to be my friend. People I’m sure I’ve never met, nor spoken to all want to befriend me. I look at their own details and find they already have 2,679 friends so I have to wonder why they need me as another. Indeed as far as I know they might be trying to befriend the other Joe Stead in Chicago. So I dabble but try not to get too involved.

Are television advertisements getting worse, or am I just getting older? The most nauseating advert I can remember for a long time is getting exposure right now where ugly men in gold latex suits are dancing around on the screen waggling their testicles at us in an attempt to persuade us to obtain cheaper train fares. How that got past the censor I will never know. I remember, when I did the final audition for Captain Birdseye, being astonished at the age of the 7 or 8 judges who watched whilst it was filmed. I don’t think any of them could have been over 35, most looked under 25. Little surprise then that the last captain Birdseye advert sank without trace shortly after hitting the screens. The ‘actor’ got £50,000 and a fortnight in the Caribbean.

Meanwhile Europe’s economy seems to be going to pot; and to some people this is simply a mystery they cannot fathom. Here then (as supplied to me by Eric Cowell) is

Dummies guide to what went wrong in Europe. (And USA)

Helga is the proprietor of a bar. She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar and to solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans). Word gets around about Helga's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town by providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands,

Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Helga's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS. These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AA" "Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga's bar. He so informs Helga and Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Helga cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga's 11 employees lose their jobs. Overnight, DRINK BOND
prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Helga's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers. Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who’ve never been in Helga’s bar.
Now do you understand?

Another little gem sent to me this last month by Eric Cowell involves taxes and drug tests. It has apparently been written by a British Soldier; I can’t verify authenticity.

Drugs Test (Written by a British Soldier?)
For work, they pay me.
In turn I pay taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to earn that pay, I train for war and eventually deploy.
I’m required to pass a random urine test, for drugs, with which I have no problem.
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope.
Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque?

Interesting argument don’t you think?

Talking of drugs I’ve been searching for a pill to stop me sneezing. I’m apparently allergic to the dust mite – or at least its faeces. It’s difficult to imagine a microscopic mite shitting, but I guess we all have to do it. But I’m not entirely convinced. About the reason for the allergy I mean. I get it when entering and leaving Tesco’s, and it doesn’t happen with Asda. Perhaps I’m allergic to Tesco’s! Perhaps I’m allergic to the fruit which appears to be the first items I encounter on entering the store. I do know its embarrassing walking round Tesco’s continually sneezing. I want to stop complete strangers to tell them I’m not spreading cold or flu germs around as they probably imagine. I’m simply allergic to something in the air. It must be the re-circulation they use because I get the same affect leaving the store as well when I walk out into the pure Yorkshire air sneezing like Billy-O.

It’s not been a very good year for that once loved comedian and show host Michael Barrimore. I never took to the depreciating form of humour he loved to express when making some poor unsuspecting member of the public look a complete and utter fool. A man for cheap and nasty laughs he has now been arrested for the possession of cocaine. So sad. Some people on the road to success seem to forget that the people you pass going one way will be the same people you pass on the return journey. I don’t revel in his misery; his days of fronting TV shows are over. Hopefully he’ll sneak back to Essex and sit by his swimming pool in total obscurity. He has time to meditate and ponder on the ghosts floating on the top of it.

So as we end the year I’m not going to bang on about our local or national Muslim problems; the media is doing that very well on my behalf. Bradford and Keighley have a huge problem with young white girls being groomed for prostitution by Muslim men. It is now at almost epidemic levels; car insurance is astronomical because of the ringers causing false accidents to make excessive insurance claims, whilst world wide the Pakistani cricket team are all under scrutiny with some already in jail for fixing matches and arranging for bet-fixing. Interesting letter from Tony Priestley who moved to France a few years back. We all know its happening; let’s just turn a blind eye; or we’ll be labelled racist. There’s a very simple solution. Don’t live in Bradford! The problems will never come to our neighbourhood. Honest. And to be fair the Pakistani’s are doing their bit for morality. There are now over 1,000 words forbidden to Muslim’s to use whilst texting on mobile phones. I’ll leave you to guess what some of them are.

‘Lard arse’ will certainly be taboo. But here in Britain we can congratulate ourselves on one thing. We are top of the European league for obese women. A recent study has found that 24% of British women are grossly over weight. We’ve overtaken the Maltese, even the Czech women who spend every minute of the day stuffing their mouths full of dumplings. Well done ladies. Now we can look at you and say “My God your arse is big, wear the red dress it shows it off magnificently” and we won’t have to worry about reprimand. Not now they are top of the league.

If you waiting to see yours truly on the One Show as Ford Madox Brown. Well so am I! Emmerdale ? Yes that too, filmed it yesterday.


Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead

2011
Dec 13 (Joe) The Victoria Hotel, Great George Street, Leeds. 2pm (Valparaiso)
Dec 14th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge, with The Amazing Mr Smith

2012
Jan 11th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Martin Carthy
Jan 13th (KM) Sixmilebridge Folk Festival, County Clare, Ireland.
Jan 14th (KM) Sixmilebridge Folk Festival, County Clare, Ireland.
Jan 15th (KM) Sixmilebridge Folk Festival, County Clare, Ireland.
Feb 4th (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax.
Feb 7th (Joe) Brighouse Third Age Forum, Waring Green Centre, Brighouse. Robeson.
Feb 8th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Michael Chapman
Feb 11th (KM) The Rose Youth Theatre, Ormskirk, Lancashire.
Mar 3rd (KM) Recording new compact disc at Foel Studios
Mar 4th (KM) Recording new compact disc at Foel Studios
Mar 10th (KM) Oxenhope Primary School.
Mar 14th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with
Mar 17th (KM) Recording new compact disc at Foel Studios
Mar 18th (KM) Recording new compact disc at Foel Studios
Apr 11th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge
Apr 20th (KM) Clee St Margaret Village Hall, Near Ludlow, Shropshire.
Apr 21st (KM) Perranporth Shanty Fest 2012 - Cornwall
Apr 22nd (KM) Perranporth Shanty Fest 2012 – Cornwall
May 4th (KM) Sheepscombe Village Hall, Gloucestershire.
May 5th (KM) Minstead Village Hall, Hampshire.
May 9th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge
May 19th (KM) Deal Royal Marine’s Association.
Jun 22nd (KM) Teignmouth Folk Festival, Devon.
Jun 23rd (KM) Teignmouth Folk Festival, Devon.
Jun 24th (KM) Teignmouth Folk Festival, Devon.
Jul 21st (KM) Music on the Marr, Town Foot Farm, Castle Carrock, Cumbria.
Aug 4th (KM) Arbroath Sea Festival
Aug 5th (KM) Arbroath Sea Festival
Aug 17th (KM) Fano Festival of the Sea – Denmark.
Aug 18th (KM) Fano Festival of the Sea – Denmark.
Aug 19th (KM) Fano Festival of the Sea – Denmark.
Sep 7th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 8th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 9th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival

2013
Sep 6th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 7th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 8th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival


LETTERS

Hi Joe

Great to get the latest "Ramblings" I look forward to them every month.

Have been meaning to write to say that I agree with you completely about the Pakistani/Muslim problem in West Yorkshire. As you know we emigrated to get away from these barbarians but at the end of the day how far away can you go? Having lived in West Yorkshire not far from you I have personally witnessed the disintegration of the area over 35 years from one where you could walk to the pub at night to one where unaccompanied white females can not even safely take a taxi.

However on a lighter note you may want to have a look at the following and possibly share it with others
http://www.newsday.com/polopoly_fs/1.235372.1243574086!menu/standard/file/ny-walt-baby-boomers.swf
Best wishes
Tony Priestley

Dear Joe,
The Greek economy is in a self inflicted crisis. An old Greek proverb states :- "It matters not to the egg whether the egg falls upon the stone or the stone falls upon the egg".
Prophetic !
Best aye,
Eric Cowell.


FUNNIES
One winter morning a husband and wife in Cornerbrook were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to GOOD Irish WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

*****************


Doctor’s Dilemmas

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .... replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.
'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
4. I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ......' So how was your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . ......'Keep off the grass'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . .... . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London
Dr. wouldn't submit his name


************************************************************************************************************

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Vern. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY

*****************

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programmes.
In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter.
The interview was as follows:
The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said…
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?


*****************

TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

*****************

My friend has just got a new dog. It’s mainly brown with flashes of white and the occasional black spot. He’s calling it Bradford.

*****************

On a recent trip to the United States, Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK,
addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.
He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the UK and Europe
At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.

*****************

Dai and Elfed, two sturdy farmers, were out walking one day in the Welsh valleys. They saw a sheep which had become trapped in a wire fence, exposing her nether regions. The sheep bleated in a very frightened manner at the two strangers, but she could not move.
"Diawl, Elfed - don't you wish that sheep was Kylie Minogue?"
Duw, Dai, but I'll tell you what I was wishin' - I was wishin' it was DARK..."

*****************

Three nuns in a convent car were killed in an accident with a truck. On arrival at the Pearly Gates St Peter upset them by telling them that they had died ten days earlier than planned and they were not ready for them in heaven. Seeing their distress he said “Tell you what, you can go back to earth for ten days and be anyone you want from the past”.

The first Nun said she would like to be Joan of Arc. “Great choice” says St Peter “Off you go – see you in 10 days time”.

The second Nun chooses to be Florence Nightingale. St Peter is just delighted and impressed. He bids her to go back down and to have a great time.

The third Nun who is slightly dyslectic tells St Peter that she would like to be Sarah Pipelini. St Peter consults a huge tome and responds –“I can find no record of a Sarah Pipelini ever having existed on earth. Where did you get this idea from?” The Nun searches in her habit and brings out a crumpled Newspaper cutting and points to the headline. It states “SAHARA PIPELINE LAID IN 10 DAYS BY 10.000 men”.

Keep smiling, keep singing.

Joe