Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 63 – December 2005.

As bullying within our schools reaches an epidemic level and serious attacks sometimes leading to death are becoming more abundant within our society concerning children of school age I have to again raise the question of corporal punishment. Apparently, according to the many (and certainly our own and other European governments) corporal punishment is cruel, breeds aggression and is therefore off the agenda. Well I’m sorry chaps, but the proof is in the pudding, we mollycoddle our kids and they repay us by slashing our car tires, by stealing our car mirrors, by attacking our ponds and destroying our wild life, by stealing from our pockets, by slashing the faces of fellow pupils, by stabbing other pupils eyes and now murder. Some children do not understand the logic of kindness when it is brought into counter-play with naughtiness. In these circumstances these children see kindness as a license to carry on being naughty; and small children grow into thugs who happily continue down the wrong path and some will eventually commit murder. Schools should be allowed (no encouraged) to bring back the cane. I am prepared to accept that there are many adults who have brought their children up in such a way that caning is an anachronism to their society. They will probably protest loudly at my thinking. But their problem is that they are too blinkered to see what is going on elsewhere outside the boundaries of their own homes. I’m not suggesting caning should be used as it is in the mosques of Great Britain where children who cannot repeat the Koran by rote are routinely caned every day; that is of course taking the matter too far. Most of these children are not being punished for being naughty, they are being punished for being inadequate and this is an anachronism even to me. But it’s pretty obvious that continually being kind to children, bending over backwards to accept their little misdemeanors, is not producing a better society. Pretending not to notice when they attack something or somebody in the street because we know punishment will not follow and interrupting their fun will only result in more misery for oneself is not the way I want to see out the rest of my days. But I fear I have only that to look forward to.

The comparatively recent introductions of “ASBO’s” (Anti-social behaviour orders) has done little to stop children jumping up and down on cars, screaming abuse in the street, starting fires (or not starting fires) calling the fire brigade and then attacking the firemen with stones. The list is endless. Manchester alone has 400 ASBO’s awaiting court hearing. But all this didn’t happen in the 1950’s and 60’s when I was a youth. We respected our elders and whilst we all got up to a degree of high jinks it was nothing compared to the children and youths today. I’d rather stop them at 7 with a smarting bottom, than face them at 17 threatening an ASBO that doesn’t work sending some to prison. Where is the future in that for the miscreant? Where is the financial benefit in that for the country? Bring the cane back into schools, give the teachers some authority again. Let the child understand that wrong doing is punishable with something that hurts. It doesn’t smart for very long (I know I’ve had it) but it will make them think twice a second time and they will understand the relationships of hierarchy. Today children just stick two fingers up at authority. Sometimes they do it behind their backs of course, but they know society will let them get away with it. Enough is enough!

Of course how we bring corporal punishment back into schools after a period of almost 30 years will be a huge problem. Caning a 14 year old who already has the disposition to murder is going to exaggerate the problem. I fear it would have to be a long term project starting with children of 7 or 8 and sliding up each year until 16 is reached. Nobody of course would actually cane a 7 year old, I’m not even in favour of a sharp slap with a slipper, but at some point a degree of pain should be associated with wrong doing and certainly if that wrong doing persists. The young brain says “I’m not doing that again it hurts too much”. Wrong doing then becomes linked to pain and wrong doing happens less and less.

I have a bumper bundle of letters this month inspired by the video clip I sent out as a separate item highlighting the problem a lot of Americans have knowing where various countries are; and their attitude as to who should be bombed next. Apparently the film came from a legitimate Australian television programme. None of the people filmed actually questioned why or whether bombing was a good idea they simply picked out Italy, France, Korea and anywhere in the Middle East as being suitable targets for bombing. But of course it should be added that this kind of filming is not necessarily a true picture of the American public. Ninety out of 100 people might have suggested that bombing was a very bad idea; these people of course are not filmed as it does not make good programming. But to know that George Bush apparently seriously considered bombing Al Jazeera TV station; and was only stopped by Tony Blair, is indeed a frightening thought. America seriously considered bombing an independent television station. Wow!


Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

2005
Dec 3rd (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax. – Valparaiso round the Horn.
Dec 7th (Joe) Idle and Thackley Men’s Forum (10am) - Valparaiso round the Horn
2006
Jan 13th (KM) Foel Studio, Wales. Recording new album
Jan 14th (KM) Foel Studio, Wales. Recording new album
Jan 15th (KM) Foel Studio, Wales. Recording new album
Jan 16th (Joe) Foel Studio, Wales. Mixing new album
Jan 17th (Joe) Foel Studio, Wales. Mixing new album
Mar 15th (Joe) Polish Club, Bradford, Private Luncheon – Life/times of Paul Robeson
Mar 20th (KM) Bacup Folk Club, Conservative Club, Bacup.
Apr 1st (KM) The Trades Club, Hebden Bridge.
Apr 3rd (Joe) Menston Women Institute 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Apr 29th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
Apr 30th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
Jun 8th (Joe) Luddendenfoot Women’s Institute 8pm Life/times of Paul Robeson
July 1st (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
July 2nd (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
Sep 20th (Joe) Garforth Probus Club 10am – Valparaiso round the Horn
Sep 30th (KM) Halifax Traditions Festival
Oct 20th (KM) Minstead Village Hall, New Forest, Hampshire.
2007
12th Aug (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional
13th Aug (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional

Letters.

Joe,
You're okay, I'm okay, we're both okay. And, before you denigrate the Brits, the Yankees, and the damned Canadians (my people), just take a look at the rest of the world...then denigrate all you want. But never stop fighting for better. I may have to depend on you to keep at it.
Oscar Brand


Dear Joe,
Thank you for the film. It does not surprise me. When I lived and worked in the US, Many Americans could not find Ireland on a map. Worse they gave money in the streets to IRA collectors in Uniform. When questioned by the media it transpired that most Americans believed that the IRA was the official army of Eire and that Eire was too poor to support its army. When told that the IRA was illegal in Eire, they refused to believe it. The only reason that Bush was elected is because he or dis advisors could trade on the ignorance of their public. Hence, invade Iraq to protect the US from terrorists.
I have long believed that America is the most dangerous nation in the World, lead by a lunatic. Israel is the most dangerous terrorist organisation in the world. Funded by USA. Have you heard about Israel's latest terrorism? Low flying jets breaking the sound barrier over the Gaza Strip. It is awful.
Check the OED definition of Semite. I am not anti Semitic, I like Arabs. I am not even anti Jew. By God though I am anti Israel. I have lost Jewish friends for proclaiming this.
Take care,
Yours aye,
Eric Cowell

Hi,
I'm thunder struck about the video that you sent, I cannot believe it! It makes me so cross!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the things that I picked up on was a couple who said they would go for France because they didn't back the Americans up on going to war. And I am so glad they didn't!
I'm ashamed that Spain went to war, it's really embarrassing and to find people who think stuff like that. It's just too much to find people like this, really. Even if Spain didn't go into Iraq it still backed the USA up. It's so awful!
Hope you're well.
Love Whitney Tauman

Joe
Thanks for your latest letter.
Thanks for all of them.
I like to read the whole letter, not just the jokes... they really do make me piss myself but I'm almost addicted to the real hard info which you always begin with. As I've told you before... I think your right on the button!
I was having a chat with my mate the other day about world over population, human life span and the future, as you do. He thought that the people of today only missed immortality (or a lifetime of 10,000yrs or so) by maybe 5 to 7 generations. I was thinking about Dolly (you know, the genetic sheep), all that research and billions of $'s is not for the benefit of sheep... but humans, obviously. Do you think you could understand highly complex math or quantum physics if you were able to spend 300yrs in school? Maybe you wouldn't want to but, a lot of people in this world spend their whole life centred around learning, and would go on doing so for longer were it not for the fact that they die, and therefore are unable to. What else would we learn? With the rest of our 9,700yr life, we might learn to live in harmony as humans, with the rest of the world... forever. (On Earth as it is in Heaven?)
It sounds like evolution to me. Or is it cheating?
But it seems like we're already cheating!
With the beginnings of widespread information about 100yrs ago, to this point, where individuals have almost an overload of stimuli, we are now about to see things really speed-up for the first time in 10yrs... and I mean speed up big time!! Things like a device presently known as the mobile phone, we will have GPS, notifying us, and anybody else of our every position (Big Brother too I might add). We will be able to find out what nightlife, clubs, gig's, restaurants, theatre, business, markets or whatever is on offer right now, with a map to tell us how to get there (via your GPS of course) within any distance of our position. Instead of reading your Ramblings of an old Codger, I will be able to see and hear you Rambling at me (through my Device), or you could have a Ramblings of old Codgers video conference. The mind boggles but it is going to happen... they're working on it right now. So get your Codgers together and be ready.
As our brains evolve faster than our chemically controlled emotions can (our stone age bodies still demand ' stone age ' unprocessed food - i.e. fresh fruit and veg with real minerals and vitamins) I find the animal in man or woman (with any power) to be more beast. The need for that to change about us is really on its final approach.
I recently bought myself a car using EBAY for the first time. Knowing the whole time what kind of car I would buy I looked for a week at many cars... even put a few bids on... but I was always out bid by someone else. Till I saw the white one, not a mark on it - great runner etc... I put a bid on it...
I've had scrapes and near misses trying to eat curry take-aways whilst driving home to finish it off even-though for years I've been privy to the words of a wise old man who once said to me " I've driven automatics all my life... 'cos ya can't dip your keema-nan and saga-loo sandwich into your vindaloo whilst changing from 4th to 2nd approaching a roundabout with a belly half-full o'beer and the cop's following behind you". I have always driven manuals, I've gown to like changing gears, but I got the ' white one ' about a week and a half ago for £475, no one else even bid...it's a good car for taking me to my gigs, and I think I'm already starting to putting on a bit of weight... It must be an automatic...
The following is a joke for you Joe... Not A Chain Letter !! Do not treat this as a chain letter !!
Thanks...
Dean Jones

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or DR Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use 'cling film' in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (although the BIBLE doesn't mention it )

I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
I will now return the favour.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife'smother's beautician!


Hi Joe,
Thanks for the "Streets of America", however, I guess my computer is not loaded with the right software to play it. Wish it was, so that I could see first hand the issue you are presenting.
I would like to make a couple of comments without seeing it, though. I have seen stuff like this before, where a film maker wants to make a point through "selective editing". Like Michael Moore and his a little bit true, however, somewhat more slanted movie, for instance. People who know nothing about film making have received that movie at 100% face value. That's called slanted propaganda and it is not fair. You know, anyone can see nearly anything they want to see. Not only as a video maker, but in everyday life. And anyone can twist anything to make any case. (Like lawyers, for instance.)
There are those in all nations who are under educated and uninformed (read: stupid.) and America certainly has more than its share of them. That's because in America, the stupid and lazy are allowed to participate in the good fortune that others have created and are creating. In my opinion, too much so. A person does not have to work really hard any more to have a good life in America (nice car, nice cloths, nice boat, vacations, etc). We have created the highest standard of living that this planet has ever seen. It just sort of goes with the territory when you live here.
And those same stupid and lazy people will begin to whine and demonstrate if they are not provided everything they want. Like spoiled children. In my opinion, it is very healthy for the people of a rich nation (or members of a rich family,as well) to know that if they don't work, they won't have.
However, I also see an abundance of the other kind of people. People who are vitally interested in their community and the world. Though Americans are rich, spoiled, mouthy, and sometimes obnoxious, we are also the most generous nation on the planet. Whenever disaster and human suffering appears around the world, Americans are always there first with the most. As an American, I can tell you that many of us get a little perturbed when we give so much of our heart and good fortune to the world and yet we are so quick to be criticized by the world when we stand our ground on principals we believe in. In the crowd that I run with, when a person is paying the bill, they gets to pick the restaurant. When a person is buying the gas, they get to drive the car. When a concert promoter takes the risk, he gets to call the shots and make the profit. That's just the way it works. I know that we in this nation have our short comings, as all nations do, and we can be (should be) criticized for them, but I sometimes wish that our critics could think a little wider and cut us a bit more slack while slamming us. It does get a little tiresome.
As for your statement that we have been brainwashed by our government to think that war is a good idea...I agree with you in part. Yes, I think we were convinced by our government to support going to war. However, I think if someone blew up the British Parlament, killing thousands of British citizens, Brits would also become very angry and, therfore, could be convinced by their government to go to war too. But I can assure you that not very many people in this nation think that war is a good idea. No sir! We now stand at over 2000 of our finest men and women dead in this war. Sadam is a bad man. I'm glad he is out. I'll be glad when he is executed. Bin Laudin is next. And then whomever is next after that will be delt with. It will take decades. And we as a nation are willing to stand and pay the price with our sons and daughters lives and our dollars to rid, not only America, but the rest of this world of terrorism...just as we were with Hitler, etc., etc. No, Joe, let me assure you that you are wrong on this count. The common wisdom of this nations does not think that war is a good idea. But we do believe that, unfortunately, sometimes war becomes necessary in order to curb the evil powers in this world who understand nothing else and who want to kill us all if they could and destroy our nation. This is primal stuff that we are dealing with here, Joe.
Now, please don't take me off your email list, Joe. I love your newsletter and I love your take on life. I tell all of my friends about you with admiration. Though we have never met, I can tell that you are a valuable person to this planet. Just please don't be quite so rough on us, will ya?
Dolan Ellis (Official Arizona State Balladeer - 40 years).


Joe
Thanks for one of the funniest videos I've seen for ages - and yet also extremely frightening. It wasn't a surpise, btw, cos we had an interesting experience ourselves when we went into Virginia (I've appended it to this email - it was written by a hamster, btw, who stowed away on board our luggage and who tells the story. Apart from that, it's almost word for word what happened) and I can appreciate how labelling 'Australia' can be just *so* confusing <grin>.
In the past 6 months, I've read 2 of John Simpson's books (the BBC World Correspondent). One called 'The Wars with Saddam' (I think) and the other 'The Road to Afghanistan' (again, I think). The second is by far the better of the two to support what's in evidence in the video. He relates that American news reportage is so insular (and pretty poor, too) that Americans very rarely ever get to grips with what's going on outside their own nation (a trait similar to Victorian Britain, I note).
If you want a *very* good read, the Afghanistan book is brilliant - it charts his experience of getting into Afghanistan and reporting for the Beeb through the conflict and most of the chapters use his experience to go on to say something fairly important about world news footage.
Oh, and the video will definitely do its rounds amongst my friends - cheers!
Lee


From 'An English Hamster in America' available on www.arlev.clara.net/george.htm

Today, Lee and Kath were venturing into Virginia, a place that was instantly recognisable as one crossed the State boundary by the change from dual carriageway to single road, then on to dirt track and open field - and by the way that the shops ceased being practical shopping and restaurant facilities and became, rather, antique shops and mountain top sales centres, the former generally being no more than outlets for the local States' refuse collecting service.
I had been warned by certain Carolinan hamster acquaintances that hamsters in them thar' parts were wild and unfriendly, that they had IQs of less than four and that they chewed tobacco relentlessly from morning to night - and then on through til sunrise - but what I actually found was a quaint community that relied more on living from the land than their more industrial neighbours to the south.
The human equivalent were equally as rustic and the incident I'm about to relate illustrates that, although a Red Neck will be the friendliest of all when it comes to hospitality and warmth, it appears that geographical and technical information is lacking.
Or perhaps it would be better to say that in all humans, the limits of brain capacity can only contain either one or the other - and I know which I'd prefer to find.
We were at some tourist centre where delights such as dry cured hams and bacons were on sale - each of which looked as if they'd died sometime in the distant past when motorised vehicles hadn't been invented - along with preserves that stretched broader than the widest supermarket carries and which made the stomach churn if one thought too long and hard about it.
For, there amongst the strawberry jams and plum preserves, were black pepper jelly and boiled chilli paste, both of which seemed to appeal to a man's good conscience to pass them by and move on to some less sinister and inherently less evil product.
Even amongst the wooden signs, there were statements proclaiming red neck spirituality such as 'You know you're a red neck if your lawnmower has four legs'.
I was riding shotgun in the car and had decided to journey round the store in one of Louise's pockets when a Red Neck - an older guy clad in a denim work outfit and adorned with the most bushy red beard I'd ever seen (was that real?!) - pointed to Lee and Kath as they returned to the car and said, 'They're not from round here, are they?'
Louise turned back to look at the gentleman and gave him a smile.
'No,' she said, 'they're from England.'
The Red Neck looked quizzically at her, a sudden realisation coming across his face as he added, 'That past Maryland, ain't it?'
Louise struggled to associate the location with where her guests heralded from and then realised that he must have meant New England.
'Oh no,' she corrected, 'England across the water.'
This seemed to cause some confusion and there was a short span of silence before the local said, 'That where the Queen comes from? Yeah, I heard of that...'
Louise nodded and turned towards the car, hurrying over to where Lee and Kath stood to relate the incident. They joked in the car coming back but, to be honest, I could see where they were coming from.
Although Virginia is a quiet, sleepy place, their concept of the world seems to be lacking - after all, what do they need to know of lands beyond the Blue Ridge mountains where they'll probably never go and definitely never read about, even if they did have books?
Tourists had best be warned, though - it would be better to wear a tee-shirt that said 'I come from where the Queen lives' than to even so much as hint at the location 'England'.
And, as for the finer side of English culture - well, I just wouldn't bother.


Joe,
Dolan tried to download your video at my house yesterday. For some reason, it did not work at all. However, I watched a little of it last night. I’m not sure how much I missed, because after a minute or two my computer froze completely. Maybe the people were just too stupid for the computer to take.
Anyway, I think I saw enough to chime in and say the video reminds me of the “Jaywalking” segment on Jay Leno’s Tonight Show. Our education system is failing in many cases, for sure. But Jaywalking and the video you sent pick out the worst of the worst.
The intelligence and the stupidity are on both sides of the issues. I know plenty of highly intelligent people who are staunch supporters of the military. In fact, I spent 37 years working for the Department of Defense. And I know a few rednecks who want to rid the world of anyone who isn’t just like them, but aren’t sure how to find those people on the map (the map thing on your video was really funny).
I am now living in Tucson, Arizona, where the state’s liberals tend to congregate (especially in Central Tucson). Just like conservatives, some are smart and some are incredibly stupid. And some are pretty smart in general, but have their blinders on when it comes to politics. I suppose we can all be guilty of that at times.
Please add me to your mailing list.
Bonnie Brock (Arizona)


Joe,
It's a pleasure and an education to read your Ramblings. We need more voices like yours... voices of reason, reflection, wisdom, kindness and humor. Keep the Ramblings coming!
It has interested me to learn that the details of the Rosa Parks story are usually recounted inaccurately, even though the story as we have come to know it is, for all intents and purposes, true. As the story is usually recounted, Rosa was seated in the white section: not true (technically). The usual story also claims that she refused to give up her seat to a white man: also not true (technically).
To the best of my understanding, the actual series of events unfolded like this: In Montgomery Alabama and elsewhere throughout the American South in 1955, there was a color line in public buses. White people sat in front of this line, black people behind it. The law at the time also stipulated that no black person could sit in the same row as a white person. In other words, if the white section was full and a white person wanted a seat, all the black people seated in the first row of seats in the black section were required by law to vacate all the seats in that row, even if only one white person wanted a seat in that row.
The law further stipulated that if the first row of seats in the black section filled up with whites and another white person wanted a seat, blacks were required to vacate all the seats in the second row of seats in the black section, and so on until all the whites who wanted seats were seated. If just one white person wanted a seat in any row in the black section, all the black people seated in that row had to stand up or sit elsewhere: no black person could sit in the same row as a white person. This is why I had to include the word "technically" above. And... of course... no black could sit anywhere in the white section under any circumstances. (I hope I've made this confusing enough!)
On the fateful day of Rosa's civil disobedience she was seated behind the color line in the first row of seats in the black section. The white section was full, however, so a white man sat in one of the empty seats in the row where Rosa was seated. I've heard that another black person seated in Rosa's row got up when the white man sat down, but Rosa did not. Rosa was arrested when she refused to move from the row.
I was not there, of course, so I don't know what really happened... but I'm fairly sure this is a reasonably faithful account. In the grand scheme of things, this is splitting hairs. And besides... it's a complicated story! Far simpler, more dramatic... and essentially true... to say that she was arrested for refusing to give up her seat to a white man.
You will understand the problems relating the details of this complex story, but I thought you'd find it interesting, as I do.
Hope things are going well and that you are happy and thriving.
All best,
Geoff Bartley , Cambridge. Ma


Funnies


Domain Names
Maybe these companies should have thought a little more seriously about their domain names:
First there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com
Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try: www.therapistfinder.com
And there is an Italian Power-Generation company: www.powergenitalia.com
Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com


A willy/booby joke
A family is gathered round the table for their evening meal when the son turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many types of boobies are there?"
Surprised, his father answers, "Well son there are 3 types. A woman in her 20's has breasts like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears - they're still firm, but hanging a bit. In her 50's, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry!"
This infuriated the daughter so much that she asks her mother, "Mum how many types of willies are there then?"
The mother smiles sweetly and replies,"Well dear, a man goes through 3 phases in his life... in his 20's, a man's willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's more like a birch, flexible, but reliable. After his 50's it's like an Xmas tree."
"An Xmas tree?" the daughter asks.
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

A Grizzly Story
On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting..... By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"

Bird Flu
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU... The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield.


WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son.
Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."


Georgie Porgy
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of freezing cold water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."


Sorry girls – another dumb blond joke!
(Substitute George Bush for the blonde and the joke is actually funnier and probably truer to life!)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
"Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says: -
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"His wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


The Aussie Dunny
Poor old Granddad’s passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook – gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers round his feet,
The doctor said his heart was good – fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, “foul play” was not ruled out,
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all – the judge was in some doubt,
When dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
“I reckon I can clear it up,” said dad with trembling breath,
“You see it’s quite a story – but it could explain his death.”
“This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
So they came and put a bore down and said they’d make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles,
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn’t see a hole like that go to flamin’ waste,
So I moved the dunny over it – real smart move I thought,
I’d never have to dig again – I’d never be “caught short”,
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn’t dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened – poor Granddad didn’t know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go,
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath - until he heard the splash!!!!!

Keep smiling, keep singing.

Joe Stead