The dreadful tsunami that hit Japan during March has stunned everyone. To think that thousands could die in such a short time is proof enough of the power of nature.
A somewhat obviously stupid opening to another Rambling I confess, but I have to wonder just how much damage did the French Nuclear experiments in the 1990’s have to do with this disaster? The official verdict is none at all. But a lot of official verdicts are wrong, either by chance or by design. Being a simpleton I find it hard to understand why several nuclear bomb tests beneath the Pacific Ocean cannot in some way affect the adjacent outer plates of the planet which are forever on the move anyway. At the time John Major put his head in the sand while Greenpeace did their very best to disrupt things. New Zealand complained bitterly and I stopped buying anything French as a sort of mini protest. None of it of course did any good. New Zealand has subsequently suffered a severe earthquake and I’m buying French wine again. Sometimes I get really cross with myself for being so weak.
In October of that year, during a period of reminiscing about the old times and considering the present as it was in 1995; I wondered if the people who populate this world would ever learn from their mistakes. In the song ‘Highways to Escape’ I took the listener from the early 1950’s through to the present day. The whole song is printed here, but I suppose the relevant verse is the last one. If anyone would like the song it’s on my album ‘Extravagant Schemes’ and you can get it through Amazon. I believe it will cost you 0.79p and it features Paul Downes, Jim Couzam on hammered dulcimer, Phil Beer; electric guitar with vocals from Bill Zorn, Tonky Hepworth and Neil Kimber. A collection of rogues and miscreants if ever you saw one.
Escape with me along our English highways,
You can Humphrey Bogart J's along the way,
And watch the jet streams weave their pretty patterns,
As the Tory Canyon sinks into the bay
And, Oh those dank November evenings,
When the smog lay thick and hard on all our towns,
And how a nation mourned together,
When the Flowers of Manchester went down.
Let's take a look at London in the sixties,
Where Rachman rules the roost along Earls Court,
Where rent control is just another password,
For promises that simply can't be bought,
And somewhere in the House of Commons,
Profumo's dreams will surely come undone,
Such lies will leave the Tories reeling,
Thanks to Mandy, Christine and Edgecombe.
And all of those American folk singers,
Who landed here in England just by chance,
Some of them were such welcome bedfellows,
And some of them led us a merry dance,
Dylan nicked a whole song from the Scousers,
Paul Simon thought he'd pinch our Scarborough Fair,
Perhaps they thought it easy picking,
Perhaps they thought that Carthy wouldn't care.
And together let us journey through a decade,
We'll leave the flower power far behind,
Where LSD was once a form of money,
It soon became a way to blow your mind,
And out in Vietnam a war is raging,
Children run the streets napalmed and bare,
In England the good peacenicks are marching,
At Easter time converging on a Square.
And as we land back in the Nineties,
And we take a look at what is going on,
John Major sees and speaks and hears no evil,
While the French still test their fucking bomb,
And, Oh the ozone layer,
And, Oh the seas and forests that we rape,
Lets pray that those who come tomorrow,
Will find the highways to escape.
Last line of each verse repeated.
© Joe Stead - Fore Lane Music October 1995.
I have to confess that until actually writing this chapter of the Ramblings I hadn’t listened or sung that song for probably 15 years. And as I listen to it for the first time again I find I rather like it and if you can afford 79p you might find you like it too! Perhaps you could let me know next month!
But on a more serious note the last two lines ‘Lets pray that those who come tomorrow, will find the highways to escape’, is hopefully like the layers on an onion. In Japan the highways were jammed with people trying to escape and at least 20,000 of them failed to make it. Just 20,000. Say it quickly it doesn’t mean a lot! And since writing that song we’ve been involved in an illegal war, we still cut the trees down, we still pollute the sea; we still carry on destroying this beautiful planet, and some of us wonder why.
I had an interesting (and in its own way very important) letter from Ted the Fiddler who resides in Pennsylvania – not a million miles from Philadelphia. Normally I leave letters in the letter section; but here I’m going to make an exception…
Some of you know that my Wife is Japanese? She has a Nephew in Tokyo and a Cousin in Chiba and I've been there twice and even rode the train up through Sendi where the Tsunami hit and where the Nuke Plants are melting down. So I take the troubles in Japan a little more personally. Monday morning my wife wanted to donate some money, and of course I'm a musician and fairly wealthy as I'm sure we all are.... !!!!!!!!!
I'm afraid you won't hear "Tell the Fiddler he needs to move his Porsche".
So I thought, "Hey? Do a Concert to raise more than I can by myself." Pretty simple and straightforward. But then, as I started calling around someone mentioned "what if?", and "what about that?" and "we need a bigger venue" and so on. I had gotten as far as getting a few of my musician buddies to say yes to doing a show here at the new Imaginairium in Spring City, Pa. That was all just fine. Trying to move it to a bigger venue seemed like it could actually kill it. Or at the very least make it way more complicated than I had originally intended or wanted. But.... then it dawned on me...
What if all of us could do something at the venue we are most familiar with? The most connected? Bob Adamski could do something at the Painted Bride, Dave Ivory at Puck's, JD at Steel City, our staff at my Colonial Theatre, Gene Shay at Psalm Salon and so on. We keep it simple and in local venues with local performers and just pool the donations to make one big donation?
Now stop me right now if there is already an organization doing this and I'll just hook up with them right away. No need for me to re-invent the wheel. But so far I don't know of any.
(Right here I need to mention I just had a chat with Jesse Lundy of Point Entertainment. We're in the middle of the Gaelic Storm concert and I'll get back to Jesse's comments in a moment)
Right now my event is scheduled for April 10th from 2-8pm in Spring City, Pa
where I live. My wife and I and a few friends have tried to come up with a name
to give this new organization, get a web site up and a bank account open in
time to accept the checks we hope people will write. We want to get money where
it's really needed too and not see it disappear into the kind of Administrative
Costs larger established organizations have been recently criticized for. We
can worry about the details of Non-Profit Status, or whatever is needed later,
but right now I just want to be able to send a substantial amount to the Japanese
Relief efforts without having to mount a giant concert or search for the proper
place to send money. I want to make the whole thing as easy as possible. It's
an idea to let the local performers do something within the structure that already
exists and pool the money for the greater good and set up a blanket organization
for our future. Not only for this current crisis, but for the next Haiti, Indonesia,
or Katrina that comes along.
And you older folks know there will always be something somewhere.
Now here I will inject what Jesse just said.
Jesse said they did a couple of larger events recently for Haiti and something else and the response was much less than they'd hoped for. He's pretty discouraged with mounting
That just re-enforces what I'm talking about. Small intimate shows in already established venues is a much better idea. Hold them in places that already have shows and only invite performers who live close by and have a local following. And Jesse agrees that might be a better approach. If it ends up being less than expected it's not going to be as big a disappointment and if successful? You get a lot for very little effort.
So I'm throwing this Idea out to see what everybody thinks and I'm open to suggestions and advice and I'll be calling some of you personally. I'd like to also not limit it to just musicians. I'd like to see Dancers, Actors, Magicians and Jugglers, any kind of performance artist welcome to contribute.
I needed to come up with a name as quickly as possible. So I've narrowed it down to:
Performers for Disaster Relief,
The Arts Community Supporting the Community Of Man
Other ideas are welcome but today I bought these web domains.
Here's a new web site. Check it out. It's under construction in my spare time...
And yes, there are big questions to be answered like "Who are we going to give this money to?"
We're working on that right now. We think we've come up with a wonderful solution for this current project. We've been in contact with the Japanese Christian Church of Philadelphia. A 60 year old organization that is connected to the Fukushima Baptist Church near the badly damaged Nuclear plants. They are directly involved with the relief efforts in their surrounding areas. Both my Wife and Mother-in-law in Tokyo have visited that Church in Fukushima on various occasions so we have a personal connection. They've promised to give the Philadelphia Church a full accounting of where the money gets spent.
For those of you in our area about 30 miles west of Philadelphia, our event is scheduled for April 10th, 2-8pm at the Imaginairium on Rt 724 just out side Spring City, Pa. ( 3540 Schuylkill Road Rte 724| Spring City, Pennsylvania 19475 ) That may change but right now that's the plan.
We're also trying to put some food together and prizes for raffles and all
the other things that make putting up your money worth it. Advertising will
begin as soon as we get the details worked out. Please think about coming, or
promoting it some how or looking for a venue in your area that could support
a similar afternoon of fund raising so we can pool our promotional resources.
"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."- Ann Landers
Ted The Fiddler
Ted The Fiddler Music
103 S. Main St.
Spring City, Pa 19475-1820
Ted The Fiddler
The Colonial Theatre
227 Bridge St.
Phoenixville, PA 19460
And are the floods in Australia and Brazil just a quirk of nature, the massive earthquake in New Zealand just an accident or something more sinister?
Talking of things ‘sinister’ another song on the same CD as Highway’s to Escape is a song called ‘Sinister deadly load’. It might apply more aptly in Japan than here in Sowerby Bridge where each night a train rumbles through with nuclear waste bound for Sellafield. Got another 79p? I won’t bore you with the words suffice to say it includes Jim Couza on hammered dulcimer, Bill Zorn on banjo, Phil Beer on electric guitar and Paul Downes on almost everything else.
I’ve had a lot of telephone conversations this last month with folk congratulating me on my last few Ramblings and in the letter section there are a number of letters supporting my comments too. Apparently I’ve been saying what a lot of people think. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for your support, I was beginning to need it. But rest assured that doesn’t make you right in the eyes of some people; you’re all a load of sexist, racist scum beyond redemption, just like me. And here I am swearing at the French! Whatever next!
A few months back we had a General Election and David Cameron warned us that the country had been left by the Labour Party in a state of near bankruptcy. We’ve all got to pull our belts in and avoid being wasteful was the general idea and as such Liverpool has cancelled the Boat Show, Hull has cancelled the ‘Sea Fest’ and all across Britain people are being made redundant with ever increasing petrol prices. Why, I have to ask then, is Great Britain getting involved in Libya? If the United Nations want to start bombing Gaddafi’s forces let the French do it with the Dutch; let the German’s do it with the Spanish. And let the American’s do it with whoever is daft enough to join them. This little conflict, which might last a lot longer than we think, is costing us at least 5 million pounds a day. And we are paying for it. Well someone has to! Meanwhile we draw our belts even tighter.
Back in the present day gigs are still coming into the Kimber’s Men diary at an alarming rate. We’ll have to start charging folk soon! We got out of February and Cornwall almost simultaneously leaving behind a lot of new friends, and of course a whole bunch of old ones. Fishermen’s Friends showed up almost en-masse one night whilst Nigel Mazlyn Jones showed up slightly slimmer, and we had a wonderful sing with them in the Ring of Bells, St Issey afterwards. I believe Chris the landlord went to bed at 4am. That’ll teach him to book Kimber’s Men.
Whilst on the subject, may I take this opportunity to recommend the Ring of Bells in St Issey to all of you. Wonderful pub, friendly hosts, great food, lovely accommodation. Going to Cornwall? Go to the Ring of Bells!
I couldn’t help but notice on Sky News that in Syria, according to a high ranking spokesman, it is impossible for a high ranking official to commit a crime. Now; there’s the way to run a government! Muslim too, surprising don’t you think?
Finally a piece of quite useless information. Did you know that on March 26th whilst two ex Charlton Athletic footballers were playing for England at Wembley (one scoring incidentally, and I cannot remember when an ex Charlton Athletic player actually scored for England) an ex England footballer was managing Charlton Athletic at Rochdale! Wow. Neither side managed to win; but that’s hardly a surprise of course.
Did you know that I am actually Charlton Athletic’s only supporter? Its hell on a Saturday afternoon running round the terracing trying to look like 7,000 people. Last Saturday I was running round so fast I got down to the wrong end so quickly I had to beat myself up. You can find this sketch on you tube at
Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead
Apr 7th (Joe) 4 Bradford Playhouse Chapel Street, Bradford. Life + Times Paul Robeson
Apr 8th (KM) Folly Bridge Inn, Abingdon Rd, Oxford (Folk Club). OX1 4PD
Apr 9th (KM) The Quay Theatre, Sudbury, Suffolk.
Apr 10th (KM) The White Horse, Edwardstone. 2pm
May 1st (KM) Liverpool Shanty Festival
May 2nd (KM) Liverpool Shanty Festival
May 6th (Joe) HMP Huntercombe – Life and Times Paul Robeson – Special Invite only !
May 12th (Joe) Bradford Playhouse, 4 Chapel Street, Bradford. Life + Times Pete Seeger
May 13th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
May 14th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
May 15th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival, Alwinton, Northumberland
May 18th (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax. Benefit for Martin and Norma.
May 21st (KM) Conquest Theatre, Tenbury Road, Bromyard, Herefordshire.
Jun 17th (KM) Falmouth Shanty Festival
Jun 18th (KM) Falmouth Shanty Festival
Jun 19th (KM) Falmouth Shanty Festival
Jun 25th (KM) Wirral Folk Festival
Jun 26th (KM) Wirral Folk Festival
Jul 11th (KM) New Vic Theatre, Etruria Road, Newcastle-under-Lyme, Stoke.
Aug 13th (KM) Zuiderzeemuseum in Enkhuizen Festival, Holland.
Aug 14th (KM) Zuiderzeemuseum in Enkhuizen Festival, Holland.
Aug 26th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 27th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 28th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 29th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Sep 3rd (KM) Landmark Theatre, Ilfracombe
Sep 10th (KM) Great Yarmouth Festival of the Sea
Sep 11th (KM) Great Yarmouth Festival of the Sea
Sep 14th (Joe) Barnsley Probus Club. – Life and times of Paul Robeson.
Sep 17th (KM) Astor Theatre, Deal. (Maritime Festival)
Sep 23rd (KM) Barnfield Theatre, Exeter; with Exmouth Shanty Men
Sep 30th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 1st (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 2nd (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 11th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge; with Vin Garbutt.
Oct 15th (KM) Oxenhope Primary School, Oxenhope. West Yorkshire.
Oct 22nd (KM) Yeomanry Ball, Ellesmere College, Salop
Nov 9th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Martin Simpson
Dec 14th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge, Amazing Mr Smith
Jan 13th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge with Martin Carthy
Jan 28th (KM) Minstead Village Hall – Provisional
Feb 4th (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax.
Feb 8th (KM) The Works, Sowerby Bridge
Apr 21st (KM) Perranporth Shanty Fest 2012 - Provisional
Apr 22nd (KM) Perranporth Shanty Fest 2012 - Provisional
Jun 22nd (KM) Teignmouth Folk Festival – Provisional
Jun 23rd (KM) Teignmouth Folk Festival - Provisional
Jun 24th (KM) Teignmouth Folk Festival - Provisional
Your one of my hero's Joe.! For many reasons...and yr spot on with humour so
often. I find it distasteful that people in this day and age can suggest that
by simply discussing issues of race, is racist. It may not be politically correct
but hey... fuck that.! It’s vital we talk about all things... carry on
Dean Jones xxx
I would like to correct my good friend Eric Cowell, the situation here in Ireland [now and for the last 20 years] is that Protestants have their own schools, that is, if they do not wish to attend Roman Catholic, schools. Protestants are not excluded from Roman Catholic schools, but they are excused holy communion etc.
However it is important that we remember that there are different branches/variations of the Muslim religion just as there are different variations of the Christian religion.
I do condemn those branches of the Muslim religion that advocate that women have to walk behind men in the street, and which advocate or in practice treat women as unequal, we have all seen this, let us not pretend that it does not happen, it is a reasonable criticism which has nothing [ in Joe Stead’s case] to do with race it is to do with an interpretation of a religion
It is just as valid a criticism as criticizing Jehovah’s Witnesses for refusing to give blood, it is a criticism of an aspect of a religion.
Joe's mistake is to conclude that there are not variations of interpretation of the Muslims religion just as there are with the Christian religion, however Joe is right to criticise the Muslim fundamentalists who do believe women should be treated as inferiors and who make women walk a dozen paces behind the street , and who do make women sit at seperate tables to eat meals[ I have seen this with my own eyes]
I enjoyed the Ramblings as usual and why anyone can suggest that you're racist simply because you speak truth is beyond me. I had similar mild abuse when I pointed out that with the white European birth rate being less than replication, i.e. less than two children per couple and mainly Muslim immigrants often having 4-8 kids per couple then in less than 100 years Europe will be an Islamic super state. Integration in the US by the way is better because they haven't opened the flood gates to mass entry as we have done.
I'm gutted that I can't make it to Mylor today for your performance but looking forward to seeing you at Falmouth for sure.
Generally speaking I’d have to say my politics are conservative and my morals somewhat on the traditional side. I’m sure you can’t imagine how many “fellow travelers” readily take those two points and immediately assume I’m racist (which would be news to my wife and daughters), homophobic, heartless, stupid, etc. and seem to intentionally try to take everything I say in the worst possible way. It often seems to me that those most likely to loudly decry the intolerance of conservatives and Christians are the first to pounce upon anyone who doesn’t toe the line with whatever twisted world-view they are championing (something about motes and beams comes to mind, here).
Having found yourself the target of the intolerant doctrinaire left, I would hope this experience may give you pause if, in the future, you find yourself tempted to respond emotionally to another’s differing politics.
Whilst I do not support the comments of Mr. Smith I find your remarks both simplistic, and offensive and demand an immediate with drawl other wise legal action may follow!
Angry of Bungay S.L.D.S.C
(Shewsbury Lane Dog Shit Collective)
I enjoy your Ramblings, I may not agree with everything you say but that's good! It is better than people not saying what they think because it is not politically correct even when it is true!! A thought of my own... I have been to Egypt 12 years running to a windsurf/diving area called Dahab just north of Sharm el Sheik. When I first went I was wary of the locals as they were an unknown. Now they are my friends, even the stall holders and cafe owners in the town who really need your business to live are very chatty and friendly even when you say that you will not go into their place. We usually have to put up with a few "loverly jubberlies" and other "English" expressions but they really like the Brits. I (as a 50 yr old, when I first went, female) felt happy alone in the streets and when I took my blonde, blue eyed, friendly 20 year old daughter she was openly admired but nicely.
As we all know people are all different wherever you are but my experience is good. I was also delighted to find that one of the lads was a Coptic Christian, as are quite a few of the locals, and he proudly showed me the cross tattoo on his arm. All his mates were Muslim but it was no big deal!
On a different subject, are you doing any Tall ship trips with Shanty singing as I really want to do one,
All the best
The mathematical date conundrum you posted in your most recent ramblings (see below) is not the least bit bizarre, in fact it’s absurdly simple. Any time you add your age to the year of your birth, you must get the current year as your answer. Naturally, this year you would get "2011". If you add only the last two digits, you'll still get the "11" part of "2011". Plus, if you were born in the last century, the answer will be greater than 100, which requires you to carry a "1", making the answer "111". Do it again next year, and you'll get "112".
Note that this is only true for persons born from 1900 to 1999. If you were born between 1800 and 1899, the answer will be "211" this year and "212" next year, and if your were born since 1999, the answer will be "11" this year and "12" next year.
As an engineer specializing in numerical data analysis, I couldn't let this go by without comment.
Perkasie, PA, USA
Loved the gig at the “Puzzle” tonight! As usual your shanties carry so many mental pictures for me, I was in the army during the first Gulf war and although the shanties are from years gone by, they remind me of Bedford 4 ton trucks full of lads wanting to be back at home.
I work as a music tutor at Calderdale College with Jason who you probably know through the Puzzle, I was thinking of covering Shanties in our music history lectures as they seem to get over looked. It would be great if we could have a chat sometime so I could plunder your knowledge.
Thank you for all the gigs chaps they are much appreciated.
A message from Libya
??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??
If I hear any more I'll let you know......
I didn’t notice anything untoward in your last ramblings.
Don’t worry, only a racist accuses others of racism.
I made up a joke, here it is:
What do Mexican Zombies eat???
Donald & Daisy
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
and Donald, aroused, wanted to make love to Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit, No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
AN ACTUAL PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ....45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target .
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc..).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky .Have a good day!
Paraprosdokian is apparently a figure of speech in which the latter part of
a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader
or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"
Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Ø I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.
Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water.
Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Ø A bus is a vehicle that goes twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Can I have some Irish Sausages please?" asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked, "Are you Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
Then, warming to his theme, he went on, "Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?" "Would Ya? Would Ya?"
The assistant said, "Well, no."
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "If I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I was French?" "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't." conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied:
.................. "Because you're in Homebase."
Wit of the Scots...!!!
A middle-aged Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf.
So he puts his name down at the local club.
After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down.
So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scots Jew: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt.
Scots Jew: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scots Jew: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scots Jew: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scots Jew: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scots Jew: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. and I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbia.
But this is the first time I heard, that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, .............."Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, ........................ "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. . . . . . . Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Keep smiling, keep singing