Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 115 – April 2010


SING A SONG OF PARLIAMENT,
POCKETS FULL OF CASH.
FRAUDULENTLY CLAIMING,
AND ADDING TO THEIR STASH.
WITH THEIR PLOY DISCOVERED,
THEY SAID THEY'LL GIVE IT BACK.
IF YOU OR I HAD DONE THE SAME,
WE'D PROMPTLY GET THE SACK.

SING A SONG OF FREEBIES,
SNOUTS ALL IN THE TROUGH.
GIVING BACK THEIR ILL-GOT GAINS,
IS JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
SPONGING OFF OUR EARNINGS,
WITH A LIKELY TALE.
IF WORKING FOLK HAD DONE THE SAME,
THEY'D SOON END UP IN JAIL.

SING A SONG OF FRAUDSTERS,
COUNTING OUT THEIR MONEY.
THEY SMILE AND LOOK QUITE UNASHAMED,
AS THOUGH THEY THINK IT'S FUNNY.
SITTNG IN A SECRET PLACE,
COUNTING OUT THEIR DOSH.
ON PLUGS FOR BATHS AND CLEANING MOATS,
FOR CRISPS AND ORANGE SQUASH.

SING A SONG OF MP's,
WHO TOOK US FOR A RIDE..
IT'S UP TO US AT ELECTION TIME,
THEIR FUTURE TO DECIDE.
IT'S GONE TOO FAR TO BRING BACK TRUST,
OF ANYONE IN POWER.
TO MOST OF US THEY'LL ALWAYS BE
A REALLY GREAT BIG SHOWER.
(AND A BUNCH OF CROOKS).

Sums it all up pretty well really doesn’t it? I don’t know who wrote it; hopefully it’s being sung in a folk club somewhere.

Folk clubs are still on the decline and if the Labour Party (or whoever gets power in May) have their way and decide to reduce the legal alcohol level to drive to less than a pint we can say goodbye, not only to a lot more folk clubs, but to thousands and thousands of jobs across the country. Public houses (the traditional home of the folk club) are suffering enough today because of the draconian smoking laws that forbid pubs to even have smoking rooms inside the premises, now with news that the drink driving laws are to be changed we can say goodbye to nearly every country pub in the country. Small villages with just the one pub might just survive on the local custom; others with just hamlets and open road might just as well sell up now whilst there is still some mug prepared to take on a failing business. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the drinking/driving laws as they stand today. Apparently it will save 65 lives a year; although just how they come to these statistics is beyond me. We have a population of say 85 million people in this country, so to save 0.0000007% of them from dying through alcoholic related driving accidents we are going to put pubs, small breweries, large breweries and all their employees plus those associated out of a job. Well that’s another reason to not vote Labour, although of course we cannot be sure the other buggers won’t be equally stupid. Thousands and thousands of people out of work to accommodate 0.0000007% of the population. Brilliant idea.

Gordon Brown’s appearance at the Iraq war enquiry caused less uproar than the liar Blair; but unfortunately Brown proved himself to be equally unreliable in the honesty stakes. Quite apart from the stupid lie about costing, when asked what he thought when the subject of the Iraq war being brought up in Cabinet as being illegal he said that “He couldn’t recall the subject was ever raised”. Astounding, the man who arranged the payment and found the funds, cannot remember if the subject of legality was ever brought up! What a convenient memory the man has. Two more reasons to not vote Labour in May.

One good idea the Labour party have muted this last month is to change the dog licensing laws although being a good idea they probably won’t go through with it. I think it most sensible to have all dog owners insured against their little (sometimes vicious) pet from attacking innocent folk. Dogs should be chipped and the owners forced by law to pay a sensible dog license fee per year. I would suggest £100 a year as being a sensible figure; although I’m sure there are a lot of dog owners who would disagree with me; and as such I would settle for less providing the fee was no less than £25 per annum. Any dog found wandering the streets un-chipped and un-attended should be destroyed the same day. Don’t bother to try to find the owner. The fouling of pavements and public areas has thankfully on the whole become a thing of the past, and with so much traffic on the roads these days dogs running free as they once did when I was a child is now a rarity. I remember as a small child coming home from school each day terrified of the unfriendly dogs and bemused by the friendly ones who wrapped their front legs around my bare legs panting unpleasant hot breath into my face. I had absolutely no idea what they were doing at the time, I only knew I didn’t much like it. Oh and I would permit postmen to carry knives and truncheons as defense against dog attacks if they so desired. Dog owners of ‘pets’ that are outlawed breeds should be imprisoned (at least 12 months), and those caught without a license and insurance should be heavily fined. And by the way I actually like dogs. I had a wonderful friend in Jessie whom some of you knew. She lived to be over 16 years before I took her to meet her redeemer in the sky at the local vets and it almost broke my heart. When my touring days are over I will probably get another dog and I will happily pay both insurance and a license fee if the law so decrees. Indeed I hope I do.

The Roman Catholic Church and the men of God who work for her have been in the news for all the wrong reasons again lately. It’s a pretty obvious fact that birds of a feather flock together. Consequently we find sexual deviants working in homes for children and men in particular looking for pastimes where they can both earn money and get sexual relief at the same time. The Roman Catholic Church is in crisis across Europe. Since the turn of the year 300 Germans have come forward claiming they were abused by priests and there are similar scandals in Spain, Austria, Holland and Switzerland, not to mention the United States of America, where news has just broken concerning one priest who allegedly abused 200 deaf children. Ireland and America are not alone and I suspect there will be many more examples before the year is out, very possibly from Italy too. Whilst compensation in the form of money will not lessen the hurt it would at the very least indicate that the authorities who run the various religions want to make some form of compensation other than spiritual to the innocent victims of abuse. But all they’ve had so far is a lamentable apology squeezed from the Pope (almost at gun point). It is time the abused got together to form a union and together take the Roman Catholic Church (and any other organization – the Roman Catholics are not alone in this) to the European Court of Justice to seek financial compensation. The Church of England for example is immensely rich and so too is the Church of Rome. If they are really sorry they should be prepared to empty their substantial coffers and the priests, school teachers, or anyone else involved should be fully exposed.

I’m saddened to report the death in early March of Tim Justice. Tim wrote to this column on many occasions and indeed there is this month another letter from Tim that he wrote shortly before he died. I guess his liver simply gave out. I missed his funeral service as I was away in Stratford upon Avon at the time. Tim booked me at The Ring of Bells Folk Club in Bath before the club was run by Nick and Val Richardson. That would put it at mid-late sixties. So many years and beers ago!

I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate ‘Fishermen’s Friends’ on what looks like an incredible deal that they’ve been offered with Universal Records. Readers living in foreign climes might not be aware that a record mogul from Universal just happened to hear them singing in a pub in Cornwall last summer and as a result they are now a million pounds better off with a fantastic record deal. If I said I wasn’t tinged with quite a large amount of envy I would be a liar, and what’s more you would know I was. But Fishermen’s Friends, with whom I have worked on numerous occasions, have been around singing for peanuts (and the fun of it) for many more years than Kimber’s Men. They’ve served a long hard apprenticeship and coming from Port Isaac (a quite beautiful and quaint Cornish seaside village/port) they have a smattering of members who have either worked as fishermen all their lives or have been members of the local RNLI lifeboat team. So they have an air of authenticity about them too. There is a programme to be aired on BBC4TV in May in which you can hear and see Kimber’s Men in action. When the producer told me he was looking for authentic shanty singers I sent him down to Cornwall to hear Fishermen’s Friends on the grounds that there are no authentic shanty singers left alive in this world today and Fishermen’s Friends were the closest they were likely to get to the real thing. And if authenticity was Universal’s requirement they’ve made a wise choice. I wonder what Stan Hugill would have thought? Stan was authentic ok.


Finally I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. She found me through my web page. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together many years ago and I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said. "I'm a much older and completely grey. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge.”
"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly and she teased me, saying that tubby, balding, grey-haired, older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
"Anyway," she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f*ck off.

%%%%%%%%%%


FESTIVALS IN MAY
At the time of going to press Kimber’s Men can be found at just the one festival in May. We have pulled out of Waterford due the festival being short of funds. It was nice of them to ask us; just unfortunate that we saved that weekend. But we can be found in Northumberland on the Scottish borders at Clennell Hall. Here’s the full list……..

CLENNELL HALL FOLK FESTIVAL – ALWINTON
Northumberland
Friday 14th – Sunday 16th May 2010

Artist List:
The Amazing Mr Smith, Kimber's Men, Tracey Curtis,
George Welch, Landermason, Miss-spent Uke, Ron Gardner,
Joe Stead, Beeswing, John Bromley, Dave Minikin,
A Rookery, Something Spooked The Horses,
Carl Cape with Lush Acoustic, Neil Kimber
Jiva, Hannah Buckley, Acoustica, The Bushbys,
Exiles From Eden, Few Broth, Dead Cat Bounce , Fanattica
Three Times Sublime, We Steal Flyers, Mark Hague,
Gareth Scott, Matt Collinge, John Jeffrey,
Dave Forshaw
Addison Rapper and Clog
Hexham Morris & Hexhamshire Lasses
Clogarhythm
INFORMATION: 07984 828691 or 01669 650377
www.clennellhallhotel.com
Tickets: £35. Concessions: £17.50. Day Passes £20. Free Camping!
From Clennell Hall, or Buy on Line or by Telephone.
*CRAFT & TRADE STALLS *

0000000000000

Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

2010
May 14th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival
May 15th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival
May 16th (KM) Clennell Hall Folk Festival
Jun 11th (KM) Southwell Folk Festival - Nottingham
Jun 12th (KM) Southwell Folk Festival - Nottingham
Jun 13th (KM) Southwell Folk Festival - Nottingham
Jul 2nd (KM) Cleckheaton Folk Festival
Jul 3rd (KM) Cleckheaton Folk Festival
Jul 4th (KM) Cleckheaton Folk Festival
Jul 9th (KM) Stonehaven Folk Festival, NE Scotland
Jul 10th (KM) Stonehaven Folk Festival, NE Scotland
Jul 16th (KM) Hebden Bridge Folk and Roots Festival
Jul 17th (KM) Hebden Bridge Folk and Roots Festival
Jul 18th (KM) Hebden Bridge Folk and Roots Festival
Aug 20th (KM) Fano – Denmark
Aug 21st (KM) Fano – Denmark
Aug 22nd (KM) Fano – Denmark
Aug 27th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 28th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 29th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 30th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Sep 3rd (KM) Great Yarmouth Festival of the Sea
Sep 4th (KM) Great Yarmouth Festival of the Sea
Sep 5th (KM) Great Yarmouth Festival of the Sea
Sep 11th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 12th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 24th (KM) Blackmore Theatre, Exmouth, Devon. with Exmouth Shanty Men
Sep 25th (KM) The Pack o’ Cards, High Street, Combe Martin, North Devon
Oct 8th (KM) The White Horse Inn, Edwardstone, Suffolk
Oct 9th (KM) Harwich Shanty Festival
Oct 10th (KM) Harwich Shanty Festival
Nov 12th (KM) St. Michael All Angels School, Meadow Close, Shelf, Halifax HX3
2011
Jan 11th (Joe) Burley in Wharfdale Probus Club – Valparaiso round the Horn
Feb 5th (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax. – Valparaiso round the Horn

LETTERS

Hiya Joe

I enjoyed the 'Ramblings' very much as usual particularly the Szanty Men and as I'm not bothered too much about being P.C. the fiddle player about 5 mins in!

As for the Liberal Party it amazes me that they don't sweep into power seemingly having far more sense than the other two parties, just listen to Vince Cable for starters. Admittedly their leader does rather resemble a weaker Cameron which the average pitiful voter is likely to pick up on.

Living as I do in the South West I'm fortunate enough to have a Liberal MP (Colin Breed) and his efforts both in Parliament and out are exemplary; nothing like www.theyworkforyou,com to keep an eye on 'em. I have often contacted him on matters that concern me and he always responds even if he has to contact a Government Minister for the information and always lets me know the result. The only real bone of contention is that I'm a republican and he is not. I heard some Tory say that to win an overall majority they must take 12 Liberal seats mainly from the SW so I'll be making sure that they get my vote.

Dick Wells
Luxulyan
Cornwall

Joe
Like you I have always voted Labour (or, occasionally, Communist) but at the last local election I voted Lib-Dem, not because I believe that as a party they are any better than the two other Tory Parties we have playing Tweedledum and 'Dee, but because I knew and trusted the candidate. I have decided that since I am actually a committed revolutionary, I'll vote for (or against) the candidate, not the party. There are some other good Labour MPs (eg Jeremy Corbyn) but I will hang my head in shame for the rest of my days because, as chair of Bradford South Constituency Labour Party, I proposed Gerry Sutcliffe to be our candidate after the great Bob Cryer died (I even wrote him a campaign song). I had no illusions about Gerry because he'd served on the same school governing body as me and I knew him well, but I asked him about CND and he said he still supported it. I took his word for it. I should have had more sense.

In the next general election I will have a bit of a problem, because the sitting Labour MP, Marsha Singh, voted against the Iraq war, though he has voted for some things I disagree with, like extending detention without trial. But the Lib-Dems are putting up a good candidate against him.

A Lib-Dem candidate is standing against Terry Rooney, who's a real shit, in a neighbouring constituency, so I might vote for Marsha but campaign for David Ward.
Meanwhile, I've been reading an excellent documentary history of the Red Army Faction in Germany, and have reviewed it for the Morning Star. Contrary to their reputation as mindless terrorists, if you read their manifestos, they understood very clearly the way our society was going, and the necessity of saying NO!

Lastly, I love the Catalina amphibious aircraft! Wonder how that radio worked.

Go well.
Karl Dallas

PS: I love your Jesus joke!

Joe
Since the Libs wont win and Labour will be reduced and allow the minority Tories to splip past the post like Thatcher, why not consider the fact there are decent Labour candidates, some Liberals, , why not consider The People's Charter, a campaign o maximise the left vote so pressuring Labour to change course...?.

Have you read the People's Charter?

I'm a root and branch communist, not dyed in any other colours. Whether we like it or not the LP is still the mass party of the working class, constituting socialists from the Campaign group [John Mcdonnel], Compass [John Cruddas] and many others [even Prospect members] including the trade union movement. who despise new Labour.
The Liberals are the Janus party, facing both ways — fighting for free enterprise capitalism while telling the working class to limit it's demands. They pretend to speak the language of protest to protesters and will turn to the racist card whenever necessary — see their leaflets in Birmingham, Tower Hamlets, etc.

All those who seek to give Labour a bloody nose should remember the last time, we got Thatcher. This crisis will be worse and we don't want Tory rule. Labour might not provide us with everything, they can be pressured to contribute crumbs. I don't wont crumbs, slices of cakes or the cake, we want to own the bakery.

When all the grouplets, from left greens to soft Browns split and divide their vote, they will help to continue the situation. We're faced with the most devastating attacks on the people. We need change. We don't need Tories. And we certainly don't wont to turn the clock back to the days before we had a left parliamentary vote.

Realism demands we fight on all fronts to get a coalition of forces that will prioritise a social programme that addresses the crisis of capitalism, by forcing the felons responsible to pay the price, not the working people. Think back on the 30s. when the LP were split by opportunists and we nearly ended up with fascism.

It's all very well ultras indulging in megaphone politics and waving their revolutionary flags. It wont make a jot of difference if we don't get the majority of the movement on side. They exist. They need comrades. We need to contribute. I'l never vote Tory [despise Liberal cowardice and clowns like Lempik Obit and Cameron lookalike] and won't split my vote.

If you can't vote left Labour look for a candidate who represents your views who has a real basis in the constituency, like in Carlisle. If not bite the bullet, get out on the trail and prove to comrades inside the LP that we have to work together for change or we'll have Cameron cracking the whip, finishing off the job started by Thatcher, continued by B.Liar and now Brown because he can't see beyond his circle....They exist read the Morning Star..

Take care....
Jeff Sawtell.


Joe,

For a long time I have been visiting liver specialists across the north, every now and then, after a day or two on the wards a young doctor comes around and starts to ask me silly questions.

“Who is the Queen?”
“Look on a penny and there is answer”
“Who is Prime Minister?”
The answer “Some stupid ….. “ has sufficed so far.
“What is today’s date?”
“Buy a paper”
“What is the sequence for traffic lights?”
“I don’t know I ignore those F*ckers”

I have a doctorate in Cognitive Psychology, I can recognise a newly qualified shrink with the same speed that many of the Sweet Folk All artistes could recognise a heckler.

But I promise you next time I encounter a problem I will direct them to your Ramblings .

I will say one thing “I know this guy is a raving loony, but is he mad?” I honestly swear not to reveal my true feelings!

On politics I am in full agreement apart from the Lib Dem bit, they remain for me unlikely redeemers.

I don’t apologise for calling you a looney, that is a proud boast. Having spent 25 years teaching in universities and adult colleges I loved being the unpredictable looney. It sort of freed me up from convention

If I could define the balance between lunacy and madness. I will always say that lunacy is liberating and should be available on the NHS.

Tim Justice, (Deceased)
7 Gradwell Street,
Stockport,
SK3 0DL


Joe
I'd like to form a shanty group in my immediate area (Shropshire)- any advice is welcomed! I have a name - "Staggers and Jaggs" from Barratt's Privateers.

One question ... is harmony singing something that you can just 'do' by instinct, or is it learned as a separate musical line?
Rob Davis


Funnies

(This one has been translated).
A professor at the University of Paris was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Pierre raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Pierre, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Pierre replied, "Shit, from way back there……. I thought you said Goats."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

At St. Peters Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go pick her up'.


YYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no
need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father ... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sunday. The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.' 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.

I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

FOR LEXOPHILES:
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.

"The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers…

££££££££££££

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

******************

NEW YORK - resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family
when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever'

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans was posed with a typically easy initial $100 question.

The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she did not readily know the answer. 'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'

Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.

'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call.

'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon.

Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice. 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.'

Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.

'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see.... I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath --
and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'


=========================

Now!
Here are some less than easy questions Kathy Evans might have got wrong.
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

ANSWERS!

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends...Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward.....Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons.. ..Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ...Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?.........It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with "dw"?.........Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar…………Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh....Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'……..Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Keep smiling, keep singing.


Joe