Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 79 - April 2007

I felt compelled to watch the recent interview in mid March on Sky News between Adam Boulton and The Prime Minister. And I’m glad I did. I have to compliment the slippery little eel (and I’m not talking about Adam) on his performance. I have to admit he is slick and I also have to admit I actually believe that he believes the tripe he comes out with. It is easy to see how simpletons and the naive are so easily misled by him. I’ve seen it before in others. Compulsive liars tell the same lie so many times they end up believing what they are saying is the truth. They can look you straight in the face (or in Tony’s case – the camera) and tell outrageous lies actually believing they are speaking the truth. No wonder so many people are fooled by him. Of course this number is dwindling by the month as some of the lesser morons see through him; and will have dwindled so much by the next General Election that we will regrettably have a Tory party led by David Cameron in government. The electorate are a strange bunch the majority don’t now trust either Labour or Conservative but they will vote for one of them to simply keep the other out when there is an untried alternative in the Lib Dems waiting in the wings. Surely they can’t do any worse and they would never lead us into an illegal war.

And it’s all such a pity because it need not have happened. When Tony came to power in 1997 (and yes I helped to put him there) I was willing to back him all the way. I really believed in him; and it would be churlish not to mention the improvements his government has made at home. Interest rates have fallen considerably, schools and hospitals have shown improvement in their services (although some of you might not agree with this statement – I can only comment on how I’ve found things). But Mr Blair became Mr Bliar and the legacy he leaves behind him when he departs is to say the least impoverished. When the full and final result of the Iraq war becomes clear he will probably become known as the worst prime minister this country has ever produced. Time will tell. For now I will be kind, cut him a bit of slack and simply call him impoverished.

His legacy will of course include three major events
1. The curious death of Princess Diana
2. The Iraq War
3. The curious death of David Kelly

When Princess Diana died (and I make no secret that I admired, and still admire, that woman more than most people will concede to admit to today) that I was totally convinced that it was a dreadful accident brought about by her notoriety and the situation into which she had been plunged by an uncaring royal family and a money driven press thriving on the hunger, greed and a narcissistic appetite of the British and World public. I felt as guilty as the rest and was driven within a couple of weeks of her death to write the following poem which was later published in Sing Out in America. (It was based on the song by Bob Dylan – Who killed Davy Moore?)

Who killed Princess Di?

Who killed Princess Di, how come she’s gone and where’s the reason why?
Not I barked the paparazzi, sure we made her run
And of course we got good money, well what would you have done?
Anyway she loved it, we were courted from afar
It was us who made her famous, thanks to us she was a star
And as for all those pictures, well we only fuelled a need
You can’t blame us for someone else’s greed
So, who killed Princess Di, how come she’s gone and where’s the reason why?

Not us said the public, piling up the flowers
You can see that we all loved her, we’ve been queuing here for hours
OK, OK, It’s true some of us bought The Sun
But after all those pictures were just a bit of fun
Part of life’s rich tapestry, the good comes with the bad
How could we have killed her when we all look so sad?
So, who killed Princess Di, how come she’s gone and where’s the reason why?

Not I sighed old Queenie, sitting on her throne
If she’d been more realistic, she could have stayed at home
It was just an ultimatum, she didn’t have to leave
And in that week of silence who said I didn’t grieve?
In situations such as this the upper lip is vital
Anyway I loved the girl……..I offered back her title
So, who killed Princess Di, how come she’s gone and where’s the reason why?

Not I moaned the ghost who drove her on that night
The paparazzi I was told…. “Leave ‘em out of sight”
Alright it’s true, I’d had a drink, but I mean who’s not done the same
I’m not the guilty one, it’s not me that you should blame
I mean an order is an order, I’m sure you will agree
So don’t go pointing any fingers at me
So, who killed Princess Di, how come she’s gone and where’s the reason why?
© Joe Stead - Fore Lane Music September 1997

Today I’m not so sure. Had Blair not lied so many times in the last 10 years I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. However conspiracy theories have not only flourished and flourished again they have continued to flourish with some credence. Whilst anyone can walk up to a member of the Royal Family with a gun when the defenses are down (Remember Australia, remember a certain birthday party at Windsor Castle and recent incursions in Westminster Abbey?) it takes a government to murder a princess, (if indeed murder was the outcome), in the way that she died. Staging road accidents is not something any old Tom Dick or Harry can organize. I would not be the least surprised to one day learn that Mr Blair had a hand in it. I would of course be foolish to suggest he did have a hand in it; and I, and all of you, will be long dead before the truth of September 1st 1997 ever becomes public domain. I wonder what the British public thought in 1480 when the princes mysteriously died in the Tower? One thing is certain – anyone writing the nonsense I come out with would have been burnt at the stake in those days that’s for sure. So we still live in the shadow of mystery on this one; but my opinion is now swayed to believing the simple accident theory is untrue and sinister motivators are to blame. MI5? MI6? Prince Philip? Prince Charles? Tony Blair? Who knows? – But it happened during a Bliar government.

And how about poor old David Kelly? The man who went to Iraq and came back declaring he had found no evidence of weapons of mass destruction. The man who could so easily have spilled the beans and told the truth. The man so ashamedly questioned and doubted; did he really commit suicide? Well I don’t think so. I’m convinced that murder most foul took place either in the Oxfordshire woods where he was found or elsewhere before being carried there. Of course if the verdict is suicide then there is no reason to follow the matter up any further. Was the Labour government involved? To be honest I will be surprised if it wasn’t. It might sound as if I’m suggesting that it was. Like most lay people around today I don’t actually know. But if it was suddenly proven to be the case I would not be the least surprised. Not in the least.

(You might want to look at especially if you are an American who is unaware of the David Kelly episode).

The Iraq war? Well it is now generally accepted by intelligent folk in this country and by the rest of the western world that it was a mistake. Even Bliar admitted on television during his interview with Adam Boulton that he was now in the minority with his thinking, not only in Britain but worldwide. Of course this will not make him change his mind. Megalomaniacs seldom if ever admit to being wrong. In Britain’s case we have a megalomaniac who also lies and who lies with such aplomb he gets away with it. That will be Tony Bliars legacy. At least that is how I see it and the sooner he goes the better. If I had to choose between only a Labour or a Conservative government next time around – well I’d stick with the former. But I’ll be voting Lib Dem when the time comes and I realise I will be in the minority. I cannot vote for a party who has let us down so badly. The Labour party must be praying Bliar goes soon leaving enough time for Brown (or whoever follows him) to save the party and keep it in government. But of course old ‘Megalomania-what’s-it’ is too full of himself to realise even now the damage he is doing.

I often wonder what Paul Robeson would have made of the world today. Having met Paul I have a strong affinity with him. One thing is certain. He would have condemned the Iraq war and brought it into song somehow; and I’m sure Pete Seeger would have done the same had he a voice left.

And now we find ourselves with a problem with Iran. Seven of our sailors have been captured and taken prisoner whilst in Iraqi waters. Well of course they were within Iraqi waters, don’t doubt it for a minute, our government never lies.


Here’s a rather nice little story about a dead horse. I don’t completely agree with the final sentiments of the story; but I’m sure some of you will. So this story is especially for you.

A young man named Gordon bought a horse from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the horse anyway."

The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead horse!"

But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the horse being dead?"

To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the horse being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, so he thought I was a great guy!!"

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead horse!


Whilst reading the letter section you should read the correspondence from Martyn Wyndham Read and Nigel Mazlyn Jones. Martyn runs a summer camp in France for folkies whilst Nigel has at last released ‘Planet for Sale’ a 20 year project that started one summer evening in 1987 when I visited him and Margaret with my wife Nora. We spent the evening singing to each other mainly union songs and songs of freedom etc.

You will also find an interesting erudite well documented letter in the letter section from Cllr Roger M Hutchinson who runs a folk club in Bristol. Roger sometimes disagrees with me. You should all read his letter it in its entirety however long it may seem. He included his address and telephone numbers in his letter so I’ve also included them here for any folk singers who might need a booking in Bristol on either a Friday or a Sunday. You should certainly contact him if you are a singer who disagrees with me.


For those of you who failed to see the footage of dolphin slaughter by the Japanese – well here is a second chance.
First watch the video
Then if you are as upset as most reasonable people sign the petition:

However, I suppose life would be unbearable if we always failed to find a funny side. Take a look at …


Those of you with nothing better to do on a Sunday evening might want to watch ‘The Royal’. 8pm ITV. Look out for the angry farmer with magnificent hemorrhoids. He might be familiar.

This month’s Recipe
Marijuana Nettles.
First of all for my American, and other foreign, readers nettles are a rather unpleasant weed that stings you if you touch them. I’m told nettles don’t actually grow in America, so don’t try this with thistles – it really doesn’t work.
Let me start off by making a confession. I’ve never actually cooked marijuana nettles myself, so before you dash off to your local allotments to dig up some particularly delicate nettles and then make that frantic 37 mile drive to the only drug dealer you know who positively lived at an address you’ve not visited since 1985, perhaps I ought to give you a little potted history on the subject. Whilst I’ve never actually cooked this particular delicacy I have eaten it. It all happened on a balmy (or should I say barmy) evening one summer in 1977. I was at a recoding studio which for the sake of argument I will place in mid Wales. The owner, who for the sake of any other name and for the sake of this recipe, can be called Alan. His name might have been Albert, Alex or I suppose any other male name through Hannibal or Orton and down the alphabet to Zachariah or Zebedee. But Alan is a nice short easy name – so I’ll stick with Alan. Alan smoked roll ups, but unlike many musicians who visited his studio back in those far off halcyon days, never with other bits and pieces mixed in with it. Alan was fascinated with the idea of being stoned but if I’m honest with you he was also a bit scared of the idea. For my part – well at that time I had never smoked at all. It was suggested by my girl friend that he might try eating it. Perhaps at this point I ought to give my girl friend a name as well. OK. Let’s call her Liz. It might have been Carole or Rhonda, but again Liz is a nice short easy name and I’ve never dated anyone called Carole or Rhonda – so I’ll stick with Liz. Alan in a moment of madness said that whilst he had never eaten marijuana, and had no intention of doing so, he wouldn’t be dreadfully upset if he ate it by accident. After all, he reasoned, if he ate it by accident he could have a clear conscience. Thus it was, on the very evening that we were to drive into Welshpool to collect some rather important performers who were to be recording at the studio the very next day, Liz decided to cook dinner. Now Liz never cooked dinner so Alan should have been suspicious. I certainly was but I said absolutely nothing when grilled steak appeared with chips, mushrooms and a rather smallish quantity of spinach. It looked delicious and whilst Alan commented on the spinach being a bit gritty it was all eaten by all three of us and we set off shortly afterwards to meet these four important performers in a pre-destined public house which sold Banks’ beer. Banks’ beer was a particular favourite of Alan’s and we often met performers in this particular pub. Of course having given you a spare sentence to digest the idea you will have realised that we were not eating spinach we were actually eating nettles. And the grit? – Well that wasn’t grit. It was actually some finely ground Red Lebanese that Liz had obtained from a drug dealer who lived only 37 yards from her home. I don’t think Liz ever had to drive 37 miles to get her drugs.
The evening was interesting. I think the performers (Oh go on then lets give them names as well) Miriam, Dave, Irvine and Brian were a little bemused. Alan who was normally very garrulous on these occasions started off talking utter and complete nonsense but quickly realised after about 45 minutes that he didn’t even understand himself what he was saying, sat back with a double glazed look and simply smiled for the rest of the night. I laughed a lot, especially when Alan was trying to explain the intricacies of double tracking. Everything was recorded two track in those days, but Alan had devised a method of putting on backing vocals afterwards. It seemed very simple to him, but he made rather a mess of the explanation and Brian being a Scotsman quickly departed to the bar mid story to get another whisky. In true tradition I don’t remember much more of the evening; but I do remember when tucking our performers up in their B+B that we had probably made quite a bad impression on Miriam, Dave, Irvine and Brian. The truth of the matter I later discovered was that we actually appeared quite normal and my reservations on our performance was simply paranoia. But be warned. If you’ve never eaten marijuana nettles it can leave you paranoid, it certainly makes you laugh, and you think you’ve talked utter nonsense afterwards even if you haven’t.
So having got the history out of the way; how do you cook and prepare it? Nettles can seldom be found for sale at greengrocers and I’ve certainly never found any for sale at Tesco’s. So your best bet is to get a pair of gloves, a spade or large garden fork and discover some wild nettles for yourself preferably away from public places where dogs are walked. Dig the nettles up, take them home and wash them vigorously to remove unwanted wild things that tend to live in them. Remove the stalks and roots and boil the leaves in water (as you would spinach) until tender. Finely grind some marijuana, preferably black Afghani, Red Leb, or prime Moroccan and mix with the nettles when cooked and whilst still hot. With or without the marijuana the nettles make a fine replacement for spinach when desperate.
Oh. And by the way if you are dashing off to that drug dealer you knew in 1985, be warned. He might have moved. Drug dealers tend to this


Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

Apr 16th (KM) Bacup Folk Club, Conservative Club, Bacup
Apr 19th (KM) Black Swan Folk Club, York
Apr 21st (KM) Puzzle Hall Inn, Sowerby Bridge
Apr 23rd (Joe) Puzzle Hall Inn, Sowerby Bridge. (Life and times of Paul Robeson).
May 5th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
May 6th (Joe) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
May 11th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
May 12th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
May 13th (KM) Clennell Hall, Alwinton, Northumberland National Park
May 16th (Joe) Maurice Jagger Centre, Winding Road, Halifax.
Jun 15th (KM) Alcester Folk Festival
Jun 16th (KM) Alcester Folk Festival
Jun 17th (KM) Alcester Folk Festival
Jul 2nd (Joe) Moreley Pensioners Club – (Life and times Paul Robeson)
Jul 5th (Joe) Thornhill Probus Club – (Valparaiso)
Jul 6th (KM) Jersey Sea Festival
Jul 7th (KM) Jersey Sea Festival
Jul 8th (KM) Jersey Sea Festival
Jul 12th (KM) Worden Arts Centre, Leyland with Banda Celtamericana
Jul 21st (KM) Clitheroe Arts Centre again with Banda Celtamericana
Jul 29th (KM) Puzzle Hall Inn, Sowerby Bridge
Aug 11th KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival
Aug 12th (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival
Aug 13th (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival
Aug 24th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 25th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 26th (KM) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Sep 3rd (Joe) Conservative Club Folk Club, Bacup.
Sep 7th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 8th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 9th (KM) Swanage Folk Festival
Sep 15th (KM) Clitheroe Golf Club
Nov 18th (KM) The Open Door Folk Club, The Royal Oak, Werneth, Oldham.
Feb 2nd (KM) Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax. (Matinee and evening).
Feb 24th (KM) Southport Folk Club.
Jan 11th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Festival, County Clare - Provisional
Jan 12th (KM) Sixmilebridge Winter Festival, County Clare - Provisional



Don’t take the heroes – Kimber’s Men – APL11

Anyone knows the singing of Kimber’s Men won’t need telling that this is a collection of shanties and sea related songs (25 in total this time), ruggedly and gustily sung. Nor will they need reminding that the collection, like much of their work, is dedicated to and fund raising for the RNLI.

There are work songs, capstan shanties, celebrations of success and commemoration of tragedy. This CD itself is shrouded in tragedy; group member Roger Hepworth died in 2005, part way through recording the album: he appears on seven tracks. Reduced to a trio, and realizing that they would never achieve the same sound, Kimber’s Men decided to continue. One of the songs they added to their repertoire was the only song Roger is known to have written – Quiet as the grave – a lament for the decline of the fishing communities of the north east. He never performed it in public and it is included here in memory of him. It is one of three band originals on the album. The others are Maryport and the title track which is a tribute to those lost with the Union Star in 1981. Many of the other titles are familiar, though some have evolved in the singing away from their maritime roots; here they are rightfully relocated – songs such as Bold Riley, No more auction block, and Roseanna. Elsewhere, the work of contemporary songwriters is well represented –Bill Meek Harry Eddom, Frobisher Bay by James Gordon, and Stan Rogers’ Northwest Passage.

For those who find a whole CD on unaccompanied shanties daunting, the mix is leavened with an arrangement Lovely Nancy (Voice and two guitars).

But there is plenty of ‘essential Kimber’s Men’ – chorus heavy, familiar songs for every occasion, which demand you join in (yes even when you listen to the CD); Blow the man down, Tom’s gone to Hilo, Leave her Johnny and Rolling home, sung with an eloquent mix of patriotism and nostalgia, adventure and regret.
Nigel Schofield – Tykes News.



Hi Ho Joe
Firstly we hope you and Nora are in good spirits and health. Secondly to say we do enjoy your ramblings, and also thank you for those wonderful photos of the whales, superb.

Joe, we were wondering if we could be cheeky and ask if it were possible to put something about our music courses at La Jeusseliniere on your ramblings. We have Bruce Woodley of the Seekers starting our season off in May and need to get that to a wider public. Whereas people know of the Australian group The Seekers, I am not sure they recognise the name Bruce Woodley, although of course he has written songs with the likes of Simon of Simon and Garfunkel and Tom Paxton as well as of course many on his own. We need to push this week to get a few more people along as it is a fairly rare opportunity for people, so if you could help in any way that would be much appreciated. Have a look at the website ,any suggestions from you would be greatfully received.

We thought it would be good to share our details of our Folk Music Courses at La Jeusseliniere, Northern France with you and your ramblers, likeminded people we feel. We have been running these Folk Music courses for 6 years now and have had these wonderful stalwarts of the Folk scene as Tutors over the years, Vin Garbutt, Eric Bogle and John Munro, Harvey Andrews, Bob Fox, Mike Silver, Kevin Dempsey and Joe Broughton, John Dipper, Bill Whaley and Dave Fletcher, Stan Graham, Soundsphere, Iris Bishop and myself. This year we are delighted to have Bruce Woodley of the famous Australian Group The Seekers to start this years courses on May 13th. So if any readers of your ramblings would like to spend a week in the company of Bruce, a great guy, and learn some of the ins and outs of the Music Business as well as Songwriting, he has of course written with the likes of Simon of Simon and Garfunkel and Tom Paxton as well as so many great songs of his own, please contact us at
Details of the weeks are on my website and also
Once again Joe, well done and thank you.
Yours Martyn and Danni Wyndham-Read

Sure fact that your bullshit doesn’t stop coming Joe isn’t it.

Cllr Roger M Hutchinson
3 Northville Road
South Gloucestershire
Tel/Fax: 01454 864048
Mobile: 07973 198677


I got "Don't Take the Heroes" this afternoon, and have just finished my first listen. It is a sonic joy from beginning to end. Not only is the music beautiful and powerful, but the liner notes increase my enjoyment of the music, as I find that learning more about the origins of the music makes the experience more meaningful and just plain fun!

I hadn't realized that "Northwest Passage" was on the CD. I am a Stan Rogers fan, and was lucky enough to see a couple of Stan's performances here at the Ark in Ann Arbor. Your recording of his song is wonderful. I only wish there were a trip to the States in the future for you guys.

And thanks for the Ramblings I find them informative and entertaining.

Merrill Falk

I've sent this to some editors but doubt if they'll publish it!! It's called commonsense (so lacking everywhere today!!)

With all the discussions concerning the iniquitous road pricing it occurs to my simple mind that simple measures could greatly assist in the problem.

If all those driving, not in possession of a valid driving licence, using mobile phones whilst driving, or whose vehicles are found to be uninsured, untaxed or not with a valid MOT certificate, receive an immediate 10 year driving ban, with no appeal, the congestion could be greatly reduced within days!

The current mass disregard for the law by so many could be rectified quickly. It is surely a matter of common sense utilising existing legislation, without the necessity of bringing in road pricing regulations, the income from which everyone knows will merely disappear into the Governments great financial Black Hole, with all the other wasted £millions through the sheer incompetence of this discredited Government and its members, the majority, with little or no business experience, incapable of running a whelk stall.

Brian Williams


According to CAMRA 15 pubs a week close down for good in the British Isles as cash hungry builders eye up both the beer gardens and car parks of the pubs of The British Isles as a happy hunting ground for building homes. The website ‘My Little Boozer Dot Com’ was set up 4 years ago by Folksinger and Folk club organiser Dave Sampson (see Wurzel Bush Folk Club )

The My Little Boozer Dot Com website is currently undergoing a much needed overhaul to include many new features including local gig guides. There are now opportunities for folk clubs to join in our page sponsorship schemes for Free. Your payment for this sponsorship will be in kind by maintaining a local Whats on guide covering all events at Pubs and Clubs using a page on myspace. And of course since your Folk Club is sponsoring the page you are able to gain a high profile in your locality. Do tell the Landlords and Landladies of your local pubs about us.
Dave Sampson
Mine Host My Little Boozer Dot Com Email

Hi Joe!!
Thanks for your email about the dolphins. I actually signed a petition on line the other day when I went to or com (I can't remember now) and also decided to adopt a dolphin as all the funds will go to the organisation.
Like you, I found the whole thing on TV the other day absolutely disgusting, I couldn't even watch the footage as I found it too upsetting.
I hope you are well?
Take care,
Flossie Malavialle xx

Hi Joe
'Planet for $ale' is out. I have set up a charity account for it as part of the proceeds go to a 'Planet for $ale' fund (minimum of £2 from every sale via my web shop. This will increase if/when I break even on it)...explanations about the charity aims are online at the web shop.....TV programme 'Planet for $ale' soundtrack is on myspace...extracts of all tracks are on Planet web pages at my site with some art work etc.

Still ongoing development with a view to putting the whole 'Planet for $ale' TV programme online...lots to do....I need help if you can give me any...with review and media contacts. But most importantly I want to get the new 'Planet for $ale' album to those hardened idiots who cannot see the natural world has been declining for 100 years... those who get stuck in the 'global warming' debate pro or con are forgetting... conveniently... that this issue is only one amongst hundreds that point to our slow demise as a species. I speak as one who worked with the Great Apes for years for Gerald Durrell so I know a bit about the truth of the demise of species. It’s time for everyone to wake up before they fall over the cliff edge. So much of what is being said now is either corporate slyness and PR, political ideas for raising more taxation.... or intellectual masturbation.

Still never mind, lets sing a song and get pissed and ignore it might go away.

There are 2 live extracts on You Tube relevant to acoustic guitar lovers and perhaps even folk fans. Originally a 12 minute piece on the first album 'Ship to Shore' 1976 played at nearly every gig I ever did and when I tried to leave it out I would get hassled by the audience. The album is now a collectors piece but re-released with extra tracks in 2003 on Kissing Spell Records KS CD 942 available from my web shop.

Ship to Shore (Live extract)

Behind the Stone (Live)

Planet for $ale

NMJ web shop

NMJ web site

TV programme ‘Planet for $ale’ soundtrack

Planet for $ale charity donations

Love you loads for being here and being a friend despite myself.

Love and Peace.
Nigel Mazlyn Joes


If you are ever sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Murmur a few inaudible prayer-like sentences.
7. Then hit this link:


A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Boss I no come work today, I real sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon….. You got nice house.”


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot"
Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"


The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots were sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Ifrika and one from New Zulland, each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales began...
Kiven the Kiwi said, “I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. “Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate six min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends”
Ilan from South Ifrica who typically couldn’t stand to be bettered said: “Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it’s head off ind then sucked the poison from it’s body down in one gulp. End I’m still here today”
Terry, the Aussie remained silent and slowly poked the fire with his penis.

Keep smiling, keep singing.