Joe Stead – The Ramblings of an old Codger – Volume 67 – April 2006

This month’s lesson is taken from The Worst Book of the Blair’ites starting at the dirtiest verse.

1. It came to pass in the year that was but three or maybe four before the dawning of the Millennium of Two that Tony, elated by his people, travelled south along The Great North Road which leads between the mighty cities of Sod’em and Gonorrhea. And he was determined.
2. And on his journey he passed within 100 leagues of the Wilderness that is Holifax where his devoted sister Alice called to him “Beware the road has many Fawks, be sure to take the path that leads to Righteousness and not to Rioting or Rottenness for both will stain thee and your character will be damned for ever”. But Tony heeded her not and she wept within the Halls of Piece and her tears filled the mighty Calder till they flooded deep upon the plains of Brighoose.
3. And upon his journey Tony was waylaid by bandits, not ordinary bandits but money lending bandits of the Temple who waylaid him, debagged him and thrust millions of pounds into his hands saying “Take this money we beseech thee and you shall dwell in the House of Ben the Big forever and in return you may make us respectable Lords of the House and not Money Lending Bandits of the Temple”.
4. And so he travelled south with his pockets full till night fell upon the Forest of Gonnabee that lies within the boundary of Gruntham. And here he slept within the walls of the Moniestree where the holy munks of the order of Benzedrine held vigilantes and prayed upon the holy steyne.
5. And as day became night Eve fell, and he was visited in a dream by the Wicked Witch of Gruntham who was but the daughter of a humble grocer and she spoke to him and said unto him “Oh Mighty Tony I will bestow upon you three gifts and they will be the power of Megalomania, the art of Deception, and the tongue of Liar and you must use them well. And in return you shall share your bed with me”. So Tony drew unto him his brass banded buggering box, his curiously carved cunny container and true well he knew her from night even until morning. And as Dawn drew nigh upon them a mighty wind blew forth from whence they slept and the moniestree roof and windows were blown away and it became a sign unto him that he must follow the paths of those who before him lead his country into the wonderful wars of Korea, Suez and the Faultlands and he was determined to keep much farting about him.
6. And he knew he must find the equivalent of the Maumau and their hands and feet should be cut from them for innocent peasants must always be punished, and their country along with their women must be reaped and their men folk tortured within the compounds of his mighty army.
7. And upon arrival in the City that is Gonorrhea, Ben the Big struck power within him and he heard a calling from across the Water from the mighty leader of the Amerikans and he knew that he must follow upon the path laid unto him by the Wicked Witch of Gruntham. Whilst in the Hall of Piece his sister Alice wept until the Tower of the Wainhouse stood alone and erect within the lake of Sourby.
8. And thus he travelled the mighty ocean to the Amerikans and he saw before him a mighty bush that burst into flame and spoke to him with a tongue that mirrored its middle name of double you, for indeed a W is but two V’s placed together and faulked they are and mirrored too, for he heeded not his sisters calling.
9. And deep into the night he plotted with the bush and yeah they plotted still into the day and in the Garden of Misleading that lies beyond the Pond of Demography they saw before them a vision of much oil and wealth and they anointed themselves with innocence and of the myrrh that comes from the bark of the tree called murk.
10. And they looked not behind them, neither like the Lady of No Turning did they care the disarray they caused, for they knew that those who turned would be changed into pillories of soot and those who saw deception into pillows of salt.
11. For far away in lands they neither liked nor understood there lived a leader who kept his country in a grip of fear and this leader was known unto them as Sodden the Assassinator who came from the tribe of Asinine and he had great wealth of oil and little innocence.
12. And they were determined to mislead their people into war for this Sodden the Assassinator was loved by only those who came from the tribe of Asinine. And they spilt rumours and deception deep upon their lands and they talked of WMD for they knew their people feared that Sodden the Assassinator had Weeping Muslin Disciples that might overpower them more than the Witnesses of Jehovah who knocked daily on their doors.
13. And everyone declared enough would be enough and Tony knew that God was on his side.

Here end’eth the lesson.

Joint Fixture List for Kimber’s Men and Joe Stead.

Apr 1st (KM) The Trades Club, Hebden Bridge.
Apr 2nd (Joe) The Trades Club, Hebden Bridge. (1.30pm – Life, times of Paul Robeson)
Apr 3rd (Joe) Menston Women Institute 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Apr 29th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
Apr 30th (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
May 1st (KM) Sweeps Festival, Rochester.
Jun 7th (Joe) Baptist Church, Oakes, Huddersfield 1.30pm - Valparaiso
Jun 7th (Joe) The Cross Keys Folk Club, Uppermill.
Jun 8th (Joe) Luddendenfoot Women’s Institute 8pm Life/times of Paul Robeson
Jun 22nd (KM) Prince William Tall Ship, Portsmouth
Jun 23rd (KM) Prince William Tall Ship at Sea
Jun 24th (KM) Prince William Tall Ship at Sea
Jun 25th (KM) Prince William Tall Ship at Sea
Jun 26th (KM) Prince William Tall Ship at Sea
Jun 27th (KM) Prince William Tall Ship at Sea
Jun 28th (KM) Prince William Tall Ship at Sea
Jun 29th (KM) Prince William Tall Ship, Brixham Harbour
July 1st (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
July 2nd (KM) Crawley Folk Festival
July 5th (Joe) Sowerby Bridge Probus Club 10am – Valparaiso round the Horn
July 22nd (KM) Scarborough Sea Fest
July 23rd (KM) Scarborough Sea Fest
July 30th (KM) The Puzzle Hall Inn, Sowerby Bridge. 4pm
Aug 25th (Joe) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 26th (Joe) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Aug 27th (Joe) Shrewsbury Folk Festival
Sep 26th (Joe) Bilton Men’s Forum. 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Sep 27th (KM) The Cross Keys Folk Club, Uppermill.
Sep 28th (Joe) Cleckheaton Probus Club – Valparaiso round the Horn
Sep 30th (KM) Halifax Traditions Festival
Oct 3rd (Joe) Hove Edge 65 Club. 2pm – Valparaiso round the Horn
Oct 4th (Joe) Garforth Probus Club 10am – Valparaiso round the Horn
Oct 6th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 7th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 8th (KM) Tenterden Folk Festival
Oct 13th (KM) Minstead Village Hall, New Forest, Hampshire.
Dec 2nd (KM) The Square Chapel Theatre, Halifax.
Dec 14th (Joe) St Paul’s Church, Harrogate Men’s Forum. - Valparaiso
12th Aug (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional
13th Aug (KM) Broadstairs Folk Festival – Provisional


Dear Joe,
Thank you for the latest Ramblings. I am saddened by your comments on Anne Briggs. She was a protégé of Jim Lloyd and in her day was astonishing. Above all else she really knew just how and when to use ornamentation in English Folk songs. Her ornamentation was never routine, that is not in the same line of every verse and not every time. She ornamented a note just when, and only when it added to the emotional impact to her performance. Anne Briggs was a major influence on the singing of Sandy Denny, June Tabor, Maddie Prior and many others. The folk music fraternity owes her a great deal. I think that she is 'The Great Anne Briggs. One thing she did not do was stray from the meaning of a song or from the rhythm when it was important. Some of your readers may remember the great John Mearns, agricultural lime seller, folk song collector and singer. He used to berate the way some of today's performers sing carters songs such as Drumdelgie to Waltz rhythm or jazzed up versions of 'The wark o' the weavers'. If many of today's performers who sound more like wet children than adults showed as much understanding of their material as Anne Briggs and John Mearns, then folk music may just begin a true revival.
In the same section you note that Ewan McColl berated people for singing in accents not their own. This Lancastrian son of Salford then sang Scottish songs with an accent not his own.
Eric Cowell

Hi Joe
Thanks as ever for Ramblings from a foreign shore. Not having access to satellite TV (or any TV at all on any kind of regular basis) I missed the Beeb's folk programmes but the blatant absentees you mentioned from what was presumably supposed to be a representative and informative encyclopaedia of the folk movement were certainly a great pity. Your list was already long and I could no doubt be greatly extended (no mention of J.S. either - shurely shome mishtake!!) and if anyone was designed to turn the great British public off of folk music surely it was Anne Briggs, bless her. What I really wanted to thank you for, though, boring old pedantic fart that I am, was your following sentence, which must merit some sort of grammatical Oscar:
"Can we see the Brimstone’s, the Silvo’s, the Woolley’s, the Handle’s, the Coe’s, the Beer’s and the Downes’ and all the other true folk performers of this world who have kept the movement alive."
As an inveterate collector of the superfluous apostrophe, the above must be worthy of an entry in Mr. Guinness's (there's a proper one for you!) annual tome. Well done, keep up the good work and don't take my comment's (sic) badly you old rogue. I look forward to the next set of Rambling's (more sic) with impatience and not a little trepidation.
Love to all, especially the Bromley's (the Bromley's what???!!!) when you see them.
Take care.
Tim Broadbent

Dear Joe:
I found your remarks about Folk Britannia interesting, and on the whole I agree with them. I don't agree about Annie Briggs, and her disappearance from the club scene had nothing to do with organisers' opinion of her singing, but because she moved on. Of course, in three hours covering some fifty years, there are bound to be omissions but it was amazing that Bill Leader didn't get a look in. In fact, the influence of record producers (John Wood, and - yes! - Joe Boyd) is something rarely acknowledged. I'd also mention Nat Joseph of Transatlantic, despite his rather dodgy contracts. Among performers, the Young Tradition were an astonishing omission, also the Spinners and the Ian Campbells.
Once again, the programmes perpetuated the myth of a schism between traditional and electric folk. I personally welcomed Bob Dylan's electrification, but as I pointed out in the notes to The Electric Muse compilation (a project that would never have happened without the support of Nat Joseph, incidentally) "electricity" was not a matter of amplification, but attack. And Richard Thompson's guitar solos with Fairport built on the pioneering clarinet of Bruce Turner with Ewan MacColl.
Remember that Pentangle arose out of the sessions Bruce Dunnet organised at the Horseshoes in Tottenham Court Road. Bruce was an arch traditionalist (and fellow comrade of mine in the Communist Party) who went on to help Ewan to run the Singers' Club. He gave the Young Tradition their name. He wouldn't let the Rolling Stones or Paul Simon to sing at his Scots Hoose club (one out of two ain't bad) and he also discovered Julie Felix, for which history will forgive him, though I won't.
I agree with you about Donovan. When he appeared on RSG with his guitar carrying the slogan "This machine kills" (an obscene truncation of Woody Guthrie's "This machine kills fascists") my mod friend Steve Sparkes swore he'd murder him. I personally protested to the organisers of the Newport Folk Festival when they invited Don to appear there. But the lad got better. I quite like Hurdy-Gurdy Man, and Sunshine Superman was a real gas.
By the way, Hans Fried said at the time of Colours that if you played the 45 at 33.3, it sounded just like Derroll Adams. And it does.
The real abortion of the series was the Which Side Are You On concert, which was an ego trip for the dreadful Billy Bragg. He kept cropping up, dropping names, up-staging greater artists, horning in on their songs, etc.
But the real point is that the political side of folk music didn't happen in clubs and concerts, and wasn't the preserve of "star" performers, it happened on the demos and rallies where often nameless singers gave the people a feeling of solidarity in the fact of incredible police brutality. To a great extent, the folk scene took off when the thousands of people who'd learned to sing The H-Bombs' Thunder on the Aldermaston marches, came home and continued singing.
There is also the fact that just to sing a folk song is itself a political act. I was once criticised by the head of the Communist Party cultural committee for writing in the Daily Worker that the most political songs I know are love songs, which is why I often announce The Seeds of Love as a protest song, and The Family of Man as a love song.
Today, of course, the most radical songs are being sung in churches. The folk scene has paid little attention to the work of Graham Kendrick, a wonderful songwriter, whose work links the spiritual and the social in a totally contemporary manner. Graham who? I hear you say. Precisely.
One of our problems is that the foundations we laid underpin so much contemporary music that the work has been done. I can never hear the Beatles without recalling Maggie May or Dominic Behan's Liverpool Lou, Lindisfarne without recalling the High Level Ranters and Louis Killen.
When I asked Zoltan Kodaly what he thought of Ewan MacColl and Bert Lloyd, he dismissed them as pop singers. I think he was right, not in dismissing them (popular music and traditional music have had a symbiotic relationship for centuries, though the former is more usually parasitical upon the latter) but in defining them in relationship to the tradition as a whole.
In fact, they both had more in common with Donovan than with Harry Cox (or even, in Ewan's case, with Betsy Miller, his mother).
Perhaps today the folk clubs have become an anachronism. As someone once said to me, folk is a gig, not a kind of music.
Karl Dallas

Hi Joe.
Another day, another letter, another telephone call and another ramblings - I agree with all you say but to be honest I have probably given up, not consciously - just sort of stopped trying. The folk world of the folky famous is not mine - today we live in a land of folk superstars & their (one day -if not already) superstar offspring’s. I don't knock their talent or even their position at the top of the folk bush (the folk biz aint important enough to be a tree - no matter how hard they who think they 'are' important think it is). The musical ability of the young and famously named goes without question they are almost all excellent - but they have the wherewithal to be able to be excellent - homes with studios, parents who get booked and have the right connections - enough money to pursue a musical career - and if they refute that, they are telling untruths - or to be polite not ready or willing to accept the truth.
Colin Irwin really I have no comments - I have no dislike for him although he dislikes all I am and all I stand for. He once interviewed me for a Melody Maker article and was quite fair and quite constructive - I met him about 5 years later at Richard Digance's house whilst recording with the Kippers and he seemed to think that I didn't like him - to be honest I didn't recognise him.
I don't understand why the folk commentators hate folk comedians - we have held the fort when other acts have not been ready, we have kept the crowd happy and the show running to time (almost) when other bands were to drunk to go on -or come off (read Colin Irwin folk roots 87 or 88 the Pogues main stage 2 Cambridge festival report) I was the compere and I got the flack NOT the petulant drunken little darling Pogues (they didn't need sweet talking - they need a bloody clip round the ear) - I wonder if Paul Brady still remembers.
Who was it entertained the audience when (your Pal) Donovan - refused to go on at Goodwood until he'd been paid? - you've got it, me again - someone gave me a wig, Roaring Jelly I think - I started playing Catch the Wind - I got a bollocking from Danny Thompson - "That is out of Order!" he said - of course it was, but so was Donovan, it was his crowd why wasn't he out there entertaining them? Danny was waiting to play the bass for him.
De Dannan Towbridge - No power - refuse to go on - Mike Elliot takes the stage and does it mikeless (no pun) 700 + people for 30 minutes - did the Melody Maker or Folk Roots cover that?
Not on your life!
We have been branded sexist, racist, homophobic and any other 'ist' you can think of and none of those 'ists' have stuck, because we're not - why? Because our platform - the folk club, would not allow us to be - (as with my Working on the Busses in Brum 1973. A chap called me racist one night at Bracknell & as much as I tried to explain to him about me & where I came from & about living in a multi racial society - he was still offended - the result - I dropped it from the repertoire because it made me think that not everyone had my light hearted views, and not everyone had Caribbean and Indian pals like I did - and if it brought offence. It would have to go). But it's easy for those who have something to have a bash at to pick on us - after all we are easy pickings and if we have a go back - then we are churlish & small minded - It comes to something when Cambridge Festival ran a comedy tent with 'alternative' comics - when household folk comics stayed at home.
So you see Joe its easy to give in, there are those of us who still make a good living, there are those who have forgotten they once were folk comedians and now present Folk shows on the radio, without a word of support or defense for those they once called mates.
I've probably rambled a little too much - God bless and peace.
Shep Woolley

Hi Joe
Great to back on your Ramblings list once again and to hear your well considered thoughts. Just a couple of thoughts on your comments in Vol 66.
Anne Briggs. Did I miss something? What comeback 25 years later? Did I miss something? I think you were possibly a little unkind in your criticism. Her recorded work for Topic and CBS is of a very high standard and my belief is that, had she the will, she would have become one of the all time great female folk voices.
I do second your views though regarding Derek Brimstone it would have been nice to see him on the show. The same would apply for the unforgettable but critically ignored Tony Capstick who was a fine singer of traditional songs, and the magnificent Hamish Imlach who gave so much to the Scottish folk scene.
Yes Bill Leader's role was criminally overlooked, but I don't think him a more pivotal figure than Joe Boyd. Joe's management and production (under the Witchseason name) was very important in bringing a new and more eclectic style of "folk" to the wider public. Whilst not solely responsible, we should still thank him for his work bringing Fairport Convention, John Martyn, Nick Drake and The Incredible Sting Band (to name a few) to our ears.
Anyway, please don’t take this email as any sort of attack on your point of view. It's great to be back in touch via your ramblings. I look forward to the next one.
Best wishes
Ian Southworth

Hello Joe,
Loved your article about the BBC4 programmes. Spot on. Anyone who had never been in a folk club watching those programmes would get a very false impression of the folk scene of those days. I liked the bit about the Copper family reading out of books. Fuck me, haven't they learned the words yet? I only worked with them once, and the act consisted of four blokes. They were reading out of books as well. And they sang very badly actually. In my opinion that is.
I think that the reason that the BBC lean heavily towards the Traddy bit is that when they research in the early stages of getting the programme together, they always get in touch with Cecil Sharpe House first. I've got nothing against English Trad as long as it is good, and nice to listen too, which of course applies to any musical genre. Trouble is, an awful lot of it isn't nice to listen too. Why do they all try to sing like an octogenarian with a Sussex accent?
Over the years, I've seen so many clubs 'go traditional', because the people, or person who ends up running the club are fervent traddies. Lovely, well attended and successful clubs, where you could hear good music and have a laugh (laughter is after all, a great British tradition). They've all disappeared without trace inside six months. It happened here in Hemel Hempstead, and both Watford clubs - The Hertfordshire Arms and the Pump House - and so many others. Anyway Joe, I repeat, you were spot on. Well done.
All the best
Derek Brimstone.

Hi Joe,
I don't know if you remember me, but I once asked you for permission to use some material from 'Ramblings' in the little magazine I edit called 'Merry Meet'. You graciously granted me permission. I was wondering if you might repeat the favour and allow me to print your review of 'Folk Britannia' in the next issue. Unfortunately I did not have the necessary gubbins to view said series and will have to wait for repeats on the 'normal' BBC channels or a bootleg video or DVD before I can enjoy it myself. It does seem to have been an important piece of programming and I think a review should appear in the mag though. You would be fully credited of course and I would plug your 'ramblings', which I enjoy immensely.
If you like, I could send you the magazine on a regular basis, but as it is not yet gone fully electronic I would need your 'snailmail' address.
By the way, I should finally get to see Kimber's Men in 2006 as Hunters Moon, the border side for which I play either fiddle or banjo (depending at present upon the extent of an inconvenient infirmity in my left wrist), are at both Rochester and Crawley festivals this year.
Best wishes
Jerry Bird
Editor, Merry Meet Magazine

Hi Joe
Pete Heywood here, Living Tradition. Still enjoying reading your Ramblings. I particularly liked your 'review' of Folk Britannia and thought that it would be good to publish it in Living Tradition in some form. Would you be agreeable to that? I am not sure if it would be best to deal with it as an article, a review or an opinion piece. Any ideas.
Pete Heywood.
Living Tradition Magazine

Like you, I thoroughly enjoyed Folk Britannia - though I only caught the first two programmes in the series.
I guess one reason for the gaps and the false emphases was to do with what film clips were easily available. I happen to know that the series was made on a small budget - so small that, when the producer went to the Twickenham Folk Club (where my chum Tim Blythe is a committee member) to get some shots of a modern day club in action, he turned up alone and did lights camera and sound all by himself.
Ramble on, ramble on.
Chris Manners

Hi Joe
I am not a regular correspondent but I did notice that you noted the absence of certain artists in Folk Brittannia. Because I am not a great TV watcher I only saw what I believe was part of the first program. Wizz Jones was prominent in that episode as a beatnik in Cornwall. Maybe not his best contribution to folk music but what I saw seemed to be trying to ensure that everybody's worst performances were shown!
I'm probably only writing this to show you that I am one of probably many people who enjoy the ramblings silently.
Ged Todd


In Pharmacology, all drugs have 2 names, a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO".


A couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about an African Bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?” The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
”Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
”Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches ?”
”No, it’s turned black.”



1. Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
2. Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
3. Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
4. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One-he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR Three -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
5. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
6. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
7. Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
8. Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
9. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
10. Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
11. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"


At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Stralya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a bladdy Fosters, mate."
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon. Tanks."
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I."


One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The "Prime Minister". Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, the "Prime Minister" is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."



1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)


A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

Keep smiling, keep singing.

Joe Stead