Prince Philip made this infamous telephone call just before Christmas 1995. The contents were hushed up but a friend of mine in MI6 smuggled the script to me. And if you believe that then you'll believe anything.



Hello, Lady Rumsey? Yes it's me it's Phil The Greek,

I've been trying to telephone you now for the best part of a week,

But what with Anus horribilius, I'm seldom ever free,

And when I get the chance to phone, in walks Her Majesty.


Liz? Oh she's just the same, I can't tell you why,

I mean I rant and rave and rule the roost, but never a day goes by,

When she's not on about the Country, and can't someone do us a favour,

And see the Tories win the next election and not the flippin''' Labour,


And I tell you this it really makes me want to swear,

To think that very soon it'll be that wretched Tony Blair,

With his equal rights and his better pay, and half his party think it's funny,

To strap the family down and keep us short of money.


Money? Well Fergies missing millions, well what do you think of that?

She flits around the world the selfish little brat,

She spends and spends and spends and spend and doesn't seem to care

Gets on the front page of the Sun with her tits completely bare.


No I said Tits not Charles. Oh don't ask, he's always on the go,

Up and down the M4 the randy so and so,

And when he's up in London he's always full of scowls,

Always going on about Camellia Parkers Bowels



Di!! Oh I tell you this she really makes me curse,

As for a princess we couldn't have done much worse,

Gets on Ponorama starts talking out of school,

Tells the ruddy nation Charles isn't fir to rule!

Why that's a family secret for Christ sake.


And then there's that Will Carling chap, common little bugger,

He'd do better if he stuck to playing rugger,

And then there was that equery chap, who came to try his luck.,

Why even on that ponorama programme she admitted to having had a ....


What's that? Low Bridge, High Wall all that sort of thing.


Yes portable telephone, damn fine invention!

Caught the kids out once or twice, still they never pay attention,

Anyway Rumsey get the kettle on, I'll be down in time for tea,

One thin's for certain gal, they won't catch me.


© Joe Stead - Fore Lane Music January 1996

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